What It Feels Like When You Don’t Want Your Baby: Antenatal Depression | Body Language

You should be happy.
You should be overjoyed. You should be looking
at nursery colours. But yet there’s this nagging feeling
that…that I don’t love the baby and that the baby
is what’s causing the depression, so by taking me and the baby out… ..I can get my life back. My filter just started seeing
everything horrible. I was vile. That’s how I’ve
described it, over and over. That I was the most vile version
of myself. There was days that I just felt
if I opened my mouth, all that was going to come out
was tears, hatred, anger. I remember, kind of, prodding it
and half of me not wanting it, because it was definitely an “it”,
to move. But then the good side of my head,
the loving, maternal side, that wasn’t so dirty and infected
with illness, wanting the baby to move. But it’s this constant fight
between this want to have a baby, then the illness telling you
you’re not good enough, you’ve already fallen
at the first hurdle. When you walk into a maternity shop
and everything is pink and floral, I’m going, I’m a bloody tomboy
and I’m having to change my style. I am no longer me. I am an alien spaceship.
I’m a carrier. I’m a cow. Every element of pregnancy
is living… well, being a mum,
is living for somebody else. I lose my identity in that and I think that’s part of
what causes the depression. And it makes you feel quite ill,
thinking that I’m blaming this unborn baby
that’s done nothing wrong. I remember holding my husband’s arm
and saying to him, “I’m not sure if I can love
the baby.” I’ve talked about killing the baby, I’ve talked about trying to kill
myself and wanting it all to stop and this feeling of suddenly
actually having to confront this perfect baby but know that all my thoughts
leading up to it hadn’t been… People want to talk about,
“How wonderful, you’re pregnant. “How far along are you?
“Is it a boy or is it a girl?” And you’re going, I don’t even
really want to accept that I’m pregnant. “Yeah, hi, I don’t want my baby,
but I’m seven months pregnant.
Do you feel the same?” That’s not something you really say
at a coffee morning. It makes you feel like a crap mum
before you’re even a mum to just admit that you’re not
feeling happy about being pregnant. My super elegant gynaecologist,
she asked me how I was, and that was the breaking point,
and all the emotion came out. The words were messy and… ..like a torrent of tears
whilst I’m… ..half naked, legs akimbo. Anyway, she told me that
there was such a thing as antenatal depression. I can’t cope with the hormones that
happen to your body in pregnancy. I think on top of my Italian and
Polish hormones, it’s just too much. Erm, and instead of, sort of,
nesting and knitting booties, I kind of… I fight and I’m angry. My gynie referred me
to a psychotherapist and I got stuck on a lot of
medicine, and it worked…so quickly. I was walking with my mum
and I remember crying and saying, “I feel so good, I feel so light. “Is this how normal people feel
on a daily basis?” And then also so sad again in that
constant conflict with myself, why do I have to take medicine
to feel like this, to feel like everybody else? That moment you hold your baby,
everything’s OK. I’d never seen an actual
newborn baby. That purple, bloody, weird alien,
kind of covered in white gunk and covered in me,
and it was literally like I’d taken an ecstasy tablet
that had just taken effect, high on love, which is how I imagine everybody
to feel throughout pregnancy. And I think, for me, that’s the
sadness of antenatal depression. To spend nine months that are
meant to be the happiest months of your life worrying,
hating your baby, not being able to talk about it,
not being able to admit it. The books will say how your body
changes and how your boobs
will start leaking or what size your vagina will be
when you’re giving birth, but they don’t talk about
how to deal with our feelings. It needs to be normalised
that not everybody is full of the joys of spring
when they’re pregnant. I can sit here and I can curse
myself for having had it but, yeah, it’s an illness. I didn’t choose to have it, it chose to plague me.

100 thoughts on “What It Feels Like When You Don’t Want Your Baby: Antenatal Depression | Body Language

  1. Thought this would be about people who genuinely do not want kids and get pregnant, slightly disappointed

  2. Yeah, this is scary, I struggle with depression and mood swings now so I am pretty scared of ante or post natal depression. But it gives me hope to see that these people got through it and love their baby now.

  3. everyone talks about post natal but not this. it must make u feel like a bad person but honestly it’s normal if u can get it, so can others

  4. Thank you so much for making this video, it's taken away the guilt I've had since my son was a year ago. When I was pregnant I was miserable. I hated the fact that I was pregnant, I felt like my life was being taken away and I was about to be enslaved by a tiny human. I was in such a deep depression, I cried and told family and doctors I didn't want the baby, I thought I'd be a terrible mother and on my lowest days I thought about stabbing my stomach. But at the same time I was spending hours most days researching everything a baby needs, spending every spare dollar I had on things for my baby. The entire pregnancy was a tug of war mentally. The moment I first held him though that all ended. I held him all night looking at him, amazed that I had made this perfect little baby. I was head over heels in love with him and I still am today. It's hard not to feel guilty for having such terrible thoughts and feelings while I was pregnant, but this has shown me that I'm not alone, I was ill, and it's ok. Any other women experiencing this please just hold on, I know it's hard and feels hopeless but believe me it gets so much better. You're baby is the light at the end of the tunnel, you just don't know it yet.

  5. I have a bipolar disorder and I don't want to pass it on to my children. I'm pretty sure that not being a perfect mum will make me hate myself even more. I don't know how not to tell my baby not to love me because I feel like a complete failure all the time. However, I'm lucky that I'm not even straight, and I don't drink/do drugs, so there's almost no chance for me to get pregnant, if only I'm not going to be raped one day. I hope I won't be raped. The rape rate in my country is so high that even my life-long single, non-sexually-active friends go to get contraceptive implants. I'm also thinking about getting it, even though I'm not straight.

  6. my brother makes me feel depressed saying horrible things to me such as to kill myself. Can i have an abortion on him? The really sick thing about abortion is that the baby isn't to blame. Depression is a terrible illness that can affect you for a long time, but you have to pull through for another human being, your human being. it is a mother's job to protect and raise her child. if she can not, she has to protect her child by finding some other mother who can! If you don't think you have a stable enough mind to have baby, CLOSE YOUR LEGS. (rape is a problem that i'm not sure about) You can't just say "I want a baby!" then regret it later. You at most have 3 weeks to decide. After that, to bad.

  7. It dangerous not to talk about this woman can kill her baby while in this state and then hate herself for the rest of her life. Also, we need to stop telling women how awsome pregnancy is because it's not just bees and flowers for every woman it's different. Just watch Unnatural Vegan video on how she hated being pregnant and she felt persecuted for it. (it that the right word that am searching for? :D)

  8. I don’t think I want children for this reason. I have a lot of mental health issues and I couldn’t take the meds I’m on. I fear my suicidal tendencies would kick back in full swing

  9. I had this when i was pregnant. It was the worst feeling ever. Id cry myself to sleep every night and contemplate ending my life. Part of my prayed for a miscarriage every night and the other part was excited to be a mom. I was so lost. My heart goes out to these women.

  10. Are we sure it's just hormones though? And not a reaction to societal pressure to be a perfect, faceless mother?

  11. I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but I think people don’t really consider adoption because they feel as though they would be seen a bad person for giving him/her up

  12. It’s sad that people nowadays still say that mother’s should always be happy. If they can’t love the baby, it’s not their fault. I hope mum shaming will stop. I love my mum, she went through hell, she have cancer, but when her children are sick, she’ll get up and take care of us even she’s in so much more pain. Mothers are great. They deserve so much more respect ❤️❤️

  13. I wish there was medications that made me feel normal
    There are medications that stop me wanting to kill myself but none that make day to day enjoyable and make me live even a half full life
    I'm not even pregnant I'm just 20 years straight of chronic major depression and stupid eating disorders I'm so tired of everything

  14. I think my mum got this when I was born. Only thing is 22 years later and she's still the same towards me lol

  15. My mom had post natal depression for a while. She couldnt even hold me or talk to me. Thankfully she wasnt alone with raising me. My grandma and aunt pretty much raised me for the first few months of my life. She said that one day she woke up and she loved me so much and she went and held me, played with me, etc (normal mom things). I can truly understand why she disliked or even hated me for a little while. My father was verbally and physically abusve to her so she left him. Months later she gets into what could've been a very deadly car accident and when she goes to the doctor they tell her she's pregnant with this abusive man's child. To make matters worse her pregnancy was horrible. She couldnt hold down any food and she couldnt sleep for weeks on end. Alot of times she had to go to the ER. She wanted to go ahead and have me early but the doctor refused and said she had to wait till her due date. But thankfully she still turned out to be a very loving, amazing, and happy woman. I really love my mom so much and feel bad that she had to go through all of that pain and suffering.

  16. I’m sorry if i am rude or ignorant. But if you don’t love your baby you should not have a baby. It is so awful. These people saying they/their mums didn’t/don’t love them. It’s not okay.

  17. I've been told before that, as a woman, if I don't have children then I have no purpose in life, even though I can't imagine ever wanting any. If I ever do get pregnant, I think it's likely I have some form of depression that will come with it.

  18. Thousands of women go through this. My grandmother never loved her children. She abused my mother and my several uncle's and aunt's. Took it to the grave. Personally I would never hurt a child but I have MANY reasons why I would never have one. And it's crazy that when someone says they don't want a child, people tell them once they have a child things will change. Why would you want someone who expresses that they don't WANT a child to have one anyway? If only people who truly wanted children had kids, the children of the world would be happier

  19. I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and I feel soooo, sooooo bad for depressive moms. I am a happy preggo, luckily…. Being pregnant IS hard and beautyful at the same time. Love to all moms and moms to be struggeling

  20. i feel like i have pre-antenatal depression
    i'm trying to convince my partner to use a surrogate but he won't listen

  21. This is such a serious issue..so glad women are open enough to talk about it…I just hpe they get the support they need xx

  22. Thank you for telling your tale. I had anti natal phychosis and depression than post natal depression it took 8 years to break through my guilt over my feelings and thoughts. I never felt comfortable speaking about it because of stigma and guilt. People don't realise giving birth can be painful. Having my newborn baby on me straight after birth for an hour was so much torture but I sucked up my feeling and played the happy mummy for my husband

  23. Then you could have first thought about if you really wanted a baby or not, simple:) It's childish making videos like this, yes I understand how stressful it is but still.

  24. This video is amazing! This woman was very brave with telling her story and I know it must've helped a lot of others out there who are struggling.
    The video is amazing too! I love the props and the arts and craft being shown to symbolism what she is saying. I find it really unique and entertaining and it gives me ideas for when I become a film director!

  25. This really hit me. Honestly, being pregnant is my worst fear. Every time the topic comes up I just imagine myself crying and trying to process the fact that I'm going to be a mother. Even now, as a 14 year old who's never even kissed anyone, I'm scared that something would go wrong or that any protective measures wouldn't work.
    My mother says she didn't want to be a mother before either, but once it happened she was happy. But it's not like that with me. Ever since I've known about how babies are born and how hard parenting is, I fear it so, so much. Caring for a child for 18+ years scares me. I don't want to just let go of all my dreams for another human being.

  26. I have all the symptoms of depression. Plus, I relate to that poor woman, when I have nothing to do with her but my feelings! We are all conected.

  27. Oh wow. I hated being pregnant. I love my two children, though. I had no idea this was even a thing! I don’t feel so alone about what I was feeling those years ago. The guilt that comes from those feelings is…horrible.

  28. Thats no excuse to unreasonably hate your child. Thats not fair to them. If you didnt want them there dont have unprotected sex

  29. i relate to anger of taking medication to feel normal emotionally. i feel like shit every time i take my antidepressants.

  30. How do you tell the difference between someone who's suffering from Antenatal Depression and someone who just genuinely doesn't want a child?

  31. This is what I’m afraid of if I have kids… but I’m afraid that medicine won’t help me. I’m afraid I’ll be like how I felt my mom was and I can’t have a child and put then through that. I would want to protect them from myself, and it’s a battle I fight within myself every time I see a baby/kid. I just wanna give them everything I never had or was made to feel like I didn’t deserve, but maybe what they don’t deserve is me as a mother.

  32. If you re planning to have that baby at the right time in ur life and if is ur both wish, i guess this wont really happen

  33. But why do people decide to have a baby or to not get rid of the pregnancy if deep down they know that they don’t want to be a mother?

  34. My pregnancies were miserable. I had hyper emmisis, I threw up all day everyday until I'd lost 20 pounds and had to be put on Zofran when it was brand new and cost $36 per pill. Luckily it helped but I remember thinking I wanted to die, I didn't want to be dead but I just wanted it to stop. I would see all the women in the doctors office and they would say they were "a little sick" the first few months, and I hated them, they were glowing and I looked like a chemo patient with a basketball stuffed in my shirt.

  35. I think people overromanticizes things. Pregnancy and in association, birth. It's painful, it's tiring, sometimes you don't develop a bond like others describe, and its a full time job. Taking care of you and the baby. Preparing for the baby. Then it doesn't end when you give birth because then you're a parent. That's at least 18 years of your life. It's not all bliss and flowers. People need to stop with the watered down romantic rose colored version of things and just be honest.

  36. Is there anyway of finding out who this woman was, in this video? I just wonder if she talks anywhere else about her battle. So desperate for help. It's a shame I cant talk to her one on one, she seems more in tune with my problem than any other stories I've come across 😔 xx

  37. It's harsh not being loved by your mother/father/parents… Feel sad for those who have/had this fate.

  38. If im honest, ive never seen pregnancy to be a particularly happy thing. Its painful, uncomfortable you can get depressed, mood swings ect ect, you feel unatractive and weak. And child birth oof nope no thankyou, no one has to feel like they need put themselves through it, but so many people do without realising the societal pressure. young men and women really should understand this. My advice, ADOPTION. all the joy of having a child minus the unpleasantries of preganacy and childbirth. and might slowly start to solve some of our issues with overpopulation.

  39. I have never personally experienced this but I lost my first very wanted baby. After that I became terrified of becoming pregnant again. I took every precaution possible and the fear gripped me. I knew I would have felt like this if I had got pregnant. I resigned myself to never having another child or having to adopt because of the fear and aversion to pregnancy. I know now that I have PTSD. I’ve had therapy and feel like I can definitely have another biological child one day.

  40. I’m 37 weeks and this is exactly how I feel, I’m hurting so bad I swear I want to love her but I’m struggling 🙁

  41. I have never had a baby but I know of women who feel this and feel so ashamed. But, it is not surprising, given all the stress involved in making the baby, lugging this weight around 9 months, then the excruciating pain and sheer exhaustion of offloading it, at birth etc. Is it any wonder that a woman can end up feeling so disenchanted with the whole procreation business, which was supposed to be such a wonderful experience but, in reality, it was shitful beyond all belief and there is worse yet to come, as it needs to be constantly fed, changed, screams incessantly and causes absolute chaos and havoc, ruling your life, ruining your marriage etc etc. This is what some new mothers told me. But, it seems to pass with time, if you take it easy and take care of yourself, get a it of counselling etc if desperate. Not wise to wait too long if your depression is getti g too bad, though. You need help.

  42. People be like: ''IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BABY, THAT IS CHILD NEGLECT AND MURDER HDSJAJAJFJJBABCFHFBH'' but like, naw bruh, this is a serious problem.

  43. I am about 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. I do not hate the baby, but I feel like I am not worthy to be a mother. I feel like a loser and a failure. I'm not some professional woman with her life all together. Sometimes I really hate myself and my life. How can I be a mother? God, this feeling is so painful, I can barely stand it. I have to pretend and hold back all of this, so people think I'm "normal". I have struggled with depression since I was a child, my mother and father had a loveless relationship and I know watching that started it all for me. I just feel like I can't do this. I cry in bed, calling out to God and asking, Why me? Why do you think I can do this? Where can I find the strength? Dear God I feel so alone. I've never been so down in my life. I need to see the light, someway, somehow.

  44. I mean no disrespect with this AT ALL, but the fear that I will be like this is exactly why I take my Pill like clockwork – one of my biggest fears is pregnancy. I work with children and absolutely love my job but I just don’t believe I could handle motherhood. I already deal with anxiety and have had borderline depression and I greatly worry that this would happen to me. Thanks for making this and just showing people that this is even a thing.

  45. My mum had post natal depression and she struggled she got though and so can everyone else struggling this is so important to talk about

  46. That how sometimes feel when I think about having kids. I'm a vessel, I'm a cow, I will lose my identity. My partner wants to have kids but I'm afraid to fall into this kind of shit when I get pregnant and my life is gonna be a horror cabinet til I die

  47. I think there is some reality to the notion that it is the 'baby's' fault. The baby didn't do anything wrong of course, but the sense that we are losing our identity is most certainly related to the changes of pregnancy. The body being out of control, often feeling physically terrible and unable to stop it, knowing that not only our bodies and minds are changing in some real sense irreversibly, but also our whole life is now about something else. It's a miracle more women aren't stunningly floored by identity crises and depression while pregnant. Pregnancy is really weird (for many) and nothing can quite prepare you. It's backwards to think that it should 'feel natural'. It should freak people out. Women are people and this is an enormous upset to who they are, whether they want a baby or not.

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