What Can I Do With My Feelings of Anger? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton
100 Comments


– Hey, everybody, happy Thursday. And today’s question is a good one but before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel? Welcome, I am a Licensed
Therapist talking about all things mental health and I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays so make sure you are subscribed and have those notifications turned on so that you don’t miss out. But now let’s jump in to today’s question and it is, Katie, do you have any advice on expressing or releasing anger? It’s an emotion I never
learned to express. It wasn’t modeled in a
healthy way for me growing up and it’s completely destroying
me and my relationships and I feel terrified. Now, just so you all know, anger is the most
commonly avoided emotion. It’s really a tie, to
be honest, between anger and any kind of, like,
sadness or vulnerability, and I believe that’s mainly
because these emotions can leave us feeling out of control or possibly open to even more hurt. But don’t worry, as an
anger avoider myself, I have a bunch of ideas of
things that I’ve used personally and with my patients to really
help you better understand and manage your anger. Now, my first tip is emotion collages. And I’ve talked about these before. If you don’t remember,
emotion collages are ways that we can kind of write an emotion word in the middle of it so in this
video it will be like anger, right, but you can pick any
emotion you struggle with. It might be sadness,
it might be excitement, I know that sounds weird. Some of my patients get
very scared and overwhelmed and are fearful of any happy emotions because they’re not used to them. They don’t know what to expect
and maybe don’t like it. And so, know that there’s no judgment. You can put any emotion word on the page and you fill it up with either photos that make you think about emotion, other words that relate to it, even other sentences, other colors. If it’s anger, for me, I
would consider red or orange. It seems very fiery, very intense. Any kind of color that works
for you, you could do that. So, it’s just a way to collage about the emotion that we feel. And these, I find, they’re
a bit easier to start because they don’t really require us to know exactly how we feel
or how we wanna express it. All it requires is that
we think about the anger or the upset, or whatever it is, whatever emotion word it is. And if anger itself is too much, if that really is a struggle for you, maybe even thinking about anger, you’re like, huh, I can’t,
I can’t, I don’t want to. Then, maybe, we start with
the less charged emotion like irritated or simply upset. And you can color it, like I
said, any color that you want, cut out pieces of magazines, newspapers, write out words or phrases, or even quotes that you feel
express that emotion for you. And just the act of putting these together can often cause us to feel
just a little bit of relief from the overwhelm that we
may have been experiencing when we even consider this emotion. And so, that’s a great place to start. Number two, physical activity. Another favorite of mine, to be honest. And this could be kicking
or throwing a ball into a wall or a net. This could be doing
yoga, stretching it out, trying to let it go, or even kickboxing. Whatever you’re able to do physically that expresses the anger
that you feel, do it! Some of my patients who
struggle with any exercise find throwing pillows around
room to even be helpful. Or playing a video game where they get to really kick someone’s ass, you know. Whatever helps, may take time to do it. And I also, I’ve been to
this in an older video, that there are these
things called rage rooms. And I know it sounds crazy
but it’s super, super cool and I think you pay like 20 bucks and you go in and you just
break a bunch of shit. And that sounds really great, especially if anger is the thing
that we’re struggling with. It’s a great way to get it out. And they give you, like,
hammers and mallets and things you can just
beat a whole room up. That’s why they’re called rage rooms. It’s a great place and great safe place to express maybe all
the upset that we feel. Tip number three, journaling. And obviously, you know this
is a personal fave of mine because it helps me to
actually write out by hand, I know, my hand, how angry I am at someone or at a situation, and
then I often tear it up. And I know that can sound crazy but sometimes, creating
it, putting it out there, being upset about it, and
then getting rid of it can just feel so cathartic. It can feel so much better. Sometimes I even cry or
scream while I write it out. Don’t worry what someone
else might think about you while you’re doing this. There’s no judgment. And preferably, do it in a private place. This is a way for you to kinda
get something off your chest, you need to feel free to
express all your going through, without worry that someone might hear you or judge you in any way. And journaling can also be a great way to learn about yourself and
your experience with anger. Like the person in this question said, it was never modeled in
a healthy way for them. So, let’s be detectives. You know how much I
love being a detective. But we need to be a detective a bit to find out about our anger
and its role in our life. We have to understand something before we can even begin
to try and change it so consider what it was
when you were a kid, how was anger expressed to you, how was your expression
of anger accepted or not. Did you get in trouble for being angry, at school, at home? Usually, that’s the case. Because we’re taught
that anger is a terrible, horrible emotion that we
should be embarrassed about, we stuff it down and we don’t
feel safe to express it. When in reality, anger
is a protective emotion. It’s a thing that when we feel
kind of hurt, it’s secondary, if you don’t know, anger
is a secondary emotion, meaning it comes after something else. Usually that first thing has
something to do with hurt. So, if a friend of mine says
something really hurtful to me, I’m not gonna cry necessarily
but I’m gonna be like, uhh, screw you, I never liked you anyway! I can get angry ’cause
I’m protecting myself because I feel wounded. And so, it’s really important for us to kinda take a look back, that’s why journaling can be helpful as to move back into our life and think, where did that anger come from and how was it okay to
express it as a child and not? Did I get in trouble for it? And what did that mean just considering it because we have to almost
relearn how to express anger and that it’s okay to do so. And my fourth tip is to find
ways to calm your system down. When we stuff anger
for a really long time, like I was just talking about, this could have been happening
since we are six or seven, we just keep stuffing those feelings down, that anger that we maybe need to express, then we can feel so full that it can start
affecting our body, right? We can struggle with anxiety and overall tension as a result. Many of my patients have even
had blood pressure issues because of their inability
to express anger healthily. A more recent patient of
mine had anger/stress-induced eczema all over her, on her head and through her
scalp, and on her hands, and up her arms, and behind her knees. Her doctor couldn’t figure out
why it didn’t happen to all and the only thing that came around was that it was probably due
to her stuffing of emotions and her high anxiety that’ve
been going on for years. So, consider trying
meditation, stretching, yoga, maybe walking, having animals. If you don’t remember, I
did a video a long time ago with my friend Almy Sung
and went to a rescue and I talked about the petting of animals and how that helps our body
release feel good chemicals. And so it could be really great. You know, also deep breathing, listening to calming music, taking a bath, whatever helps you calm
down a bit, keep doing it. And also check in with yourself and get to know your triggers as well as how anger feels in your body so that you can work to calm yourself down before you completely lose your temper or potentially just shut down. Because the more we know about our body and its response to,
let’s say, sadness, anger, and any other emotion we may feel, the better we can recognize that early on and calm down more quickly. So, try some different things out and have a few that you can do no matter what time of day or night because we all know, I don’t know why, whatever we’re struggling with, it always seem to get worse at night. So, make sure that there things you can do at three in the morning. And fifth and finally, learn
to lean into your anger and be curious about it. Remember I talked about being a detective? Because anger serves a purpose. It protects us. So, what are we so afraid of if anger is actually protecting us? The less we shy away from our anger, the less out of control it would feel. So, feel it, ask it questions,
figure out what caused it or where it’s coming from, and overall, become friends with it. I know that sounds kinda hockey pujjocky but I promise, it can really, really help because anger does keep us safe. And there are gonna be times in our life when we need to use it. Let’s say when we catch a
friend talking behind our backs or our partner cheats on us, and in those moments, we need to feel that it’s our helpful
protective friend, not our foe. And that’s why making anger your friend will really, really help, help it feel less out
of control, less scary, and more of a tool that we can use, or kind of a symptom that we know shows us something else is going on. Really need to use it to our own benefit. And again, just know it’s
okay to be scared of our anger and feel that it’s
sometimes out of control. But just remember these
tools and techniques, and hopefully we can find your anger to be a helpful indicator and protector when you need it most. And as always, I wanna hear from you. Let me know in those comments down below. What are ways that you’ve learned to helpfully express your anger? Are there other tools I left out? Let us know down below and I
will see you next time, bye.

100 thoughts on “What Can I Do With My Feelings of Anger? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

  1. Having trouble with a fear of saying stuff that might get me in trouble. This also builds up emotion inside me and it makes me so self conscious of everything. This really effects my love life and just emotion life in general.

  2. my mind is a self torture device.. sounds weird?? i do not believe so.. i am so stuck in this belief it makes just about anything that could help in a way of so called helping or so called
    fixing this that it just about makes it to much to understand.. how do you turn on yourself emotionally?? is this a valid, real, ??

  3. Is there a condition that cause a person to become angry at those who have done a lot for them? Let’s say, someone buys another person a car, the person who received the car is appreciative and happy but slowly becomes anxious feeling like they owe the other person something? Lol that’s a lot to write and read, but I’m curious.

  4. blank.. maybe thats just it?? how do you so call turn on yourself emotionally.. if you have to like ask is it such a thing?? self analysis really sucks.. i can't even feel like i say that right.. imagine that.. i just analysised my own process of trying not to analysis myself.. i really am serious.. someone has to maybe get the irony??

  5. my so called tortured soul.. i do not feel sorry for myself.. it is a total mind f… everyday.. i just want it to be understood in this weird way i guess..

  6. I had a therapist I had for a while whom I really respected and trusted (I have trust issues). All of a sudden he stopped the practice as he is facing legal issues surrounding ethics in his practice. I am not handling this well. I have a new therapist, but this new person just isn't "Sam" ( not his real name).How can I cope with the sudden loss of a therapist when it comes to a sudden loss like mine? How can I trust another therapist again?

  7. Kati, I’ve been a follower a long time and have always appreciated your content and recommended your channel. I just lost my Emotional Support animal and his brother, they were littermates. I had them for 11 years and every day of my adult life. They both died back to back in emergency situations, I had to euthanize them. I watched your videos on grief. This is a very special different kind of grief because you have to take part in ending your animals life. If you can do a video about pet loss it would mean so much to me. I would share it with my pet loss support group on FB that has almost 15,000 members. Most households have pets and will have to face this someday. Maybe you can talk about an action plan for people with ESA’s what they could do. I don’t know what to do now I miss them so bad I cannot express. I need to get another dog for an ESA but that has become unimaginable. I have lost people in my life and nothing has been anywhere near this sad and painful and prolonged. It seems there is no end to this sadness. Thank you for all that you do💗

  8. Kati, thank you for being there and making the world more aware about everything that is going on in their minds and how it affects our body. Your videos are a treasure trove for anyone trying to understand themselves better. Thank you 🙂

  9. I noticed last year that I was unable to express anger in a healthy way. It always came out in a passive aggressive way, or a self destructive one. My anger would slowly poison all my relationships and the other person wouldn't even see it coming. From their pov, I would just quit the relationship out of nowhere. And I have abandoned a lot of relationships because of this.
    But I've been paying more attention to it lately, and while there's a lot of room for improvement, I'm proud of how much better I am. I'm know I'm on the right path and doing the best I can

  10. Love the idea of Rage Rooms. We haven't tried one yet but would love to. Also we frequently Journal and tearing it up and sometimes we will even burn whatever we wrote. (Safely over a bucket of water of course)

  11. My dad and my brother both have anger issues… they throw stuff, shout and say hurtful words and then regret it later. But they won't admit it openly that they were wrong. Will these techniques help them understand their feelings of anger? Or is there another way to impulse control?

  12. Hi kati
    Then I was at school from year 8,9,10,11 if someone make me angry I would punch them then I would get detentions all the time that is because I did not want to cry so people did not take the mic out of me.
    Thanks

  13. I have so much anger all the time nowadays. It’s much like a volcano, it’s never gone, just dormant with a beautiful mess left from the last time it erupted. 😣

  14. I wonder what counts as a nightmare?

    Why do I dream then I am awake like I hear and can wake up but I can't sleep but It is like I am in the real world but it is just the dream my dreams are realistic but it feels scary like something is going to happen. Sometimes I choose to not sleep because of this.

  15. Kati I just want to tell you that you have added a positive result to my life, do not pay attention to anyone who would say otherwise.

  16. When I start getting overwhelmed, I do Progressive Muscle Relaxation. I even devoted one of my own videos on my channel to it. I was taught PMR in the mental ward.

  17. When my fiancee starts having a meltdown, we have a crisis plan, which includes lorazepam and laying down with a cold, damp washcloth over his eyes. It never fails! Sometimes, it makes him so relaxed, he falls asleep! Which is something he needs more of anyway!

  18. I love my anger moments dearly. If there’s something to do while I’m angry I will not stop th task until it’s just tidy thing of it is done. Which is not me I could care less if it’s any percent done but when I’m angry it’s 100, 110, 150 percent done or it’s nothing.

  19. This is something I want to work on in 2019. I especially want to work on my road rage! Could you do a video on this topic?

  20. My therapist recommended me to color mandalas or to color in general to let the energy of the anger flow out. As well as writing down whatever i am feeling in that moment and if i don't want anyone to see it then i can tear it or burn it. A friend tried the latter, burning up her journals and she said she felt lighter.

  21. Tell me my love 😍 what will make you fall for me. A Bruce Lee body?? I’m on my way there… LATINO HEAT BABY! 🔥❤️

  22. When my friends make me feel angry I just want to punch them so hard, but I don't coz in a way I still don't want to hurt them, instead I make a fist and wait for my anger to pass. If mum made me angry I make my fist and run to my room, where I would them punch my arm, then I start to feel upset but calm when I feel the pain. So when I get angry I don't physically hurt anybody but myself, but when I'm older I feel like I could do more serious damage to a person when angry and scares me. This video really helped but if you have any more advice I would really appreciate it, thanks Kati.

  23. Oh I definitely text or email the person that ticked me off. I let it ALL out! Then I send it to me, not them. And then I am so relieved I did not send it to them when I see it later. And if something is still an issue a few days later, I can re-send in more calm words aimed at resolution not revenge. Great video.

  24. Re 2: I've seen in various places that that kind of physical catharsis as a form of anger management can be either not helpful or straight up detrimental in the long term, because you're extending the period during which you feel the anger, so you're angry for longer, and because the good feeling of venting it rewards aggressive forms of expressing the anger, so you become more aggressive as a response to anger (which is gonna be a problem if the aggression becomes automatic and hard to control). (source example: the Catharsis article in You Are Not So Smart).

    Is that wrong, or are things to watch out for, or precautions to take, to make sure the physical catharsis doesn't do more harm than good?

  25. Kati what can you recommend to those who get really upset and starts throwing things or yelling, even get physically expressive by hitting stuff they have around or hit themselves in times of anger, frustration & build up feelings? Basically lose their temper. I've come across a few people and I'd like to know if there's a way to give help.

  26. Hi Kati,

    can you make a video on how to deal with with grief over lost time and chances because of past trauma? I lost the first 30 years of my life stuck in abusive relationships, studying a field I hate ( still working in it, need to pay bills), and not being able to live my life how I want to live it. I have to pay rent, so I cannot start over and just change everything. Everything I have or have to do reminds me of my trauma, even if got out of all these abusive relationships.
    How can we make a life worth living, if we fucked it up so much?

  27. I relapsed… again. Now it’s been 2 weeks and I can’t stop(again) I’m so angry at myself, but none of these things help. I HATE myself so much and Idk how to help myself anymore. The only thing I can do right is cut myself, and I guess school. I have 1 thing

  28. What helped me the most is going vegan. I have social and generalized anxiety and it used to make me very easily irritated. I'd lash out at the smallest thing that was "wrong". The anxiety would exhaust me and I'd spend weeks at a time just completely tired out of my mind and that was the time it was the worst. After going vegan it only took a couple of weeks to notice the difference. I get back to normal much quicker after an anxious day, no more weeks of exhaustion, I feel anxious less too so it happens not only for shorter periods but far less often. And when something does go wrong I seem to be handling it much better. I don't lash out any more. Ever. At all. I do get upset at the news sometimes (injustice is what makes me most upset so if I catch a news story that makes my blood boil, I still get sad at the world and at the horrible people out there). But that's pretty much all. Can not recommend it enough. Go vegan!!!!

  29. This holiday season has been so hard for me. I don't think I realized what I was feeling at first, but I think I'm angry at my family. I took two weeks off work so that I could clean out and organize my house because I feel like I'm drowning in piles and piles of stuff. Nothing has a place and it's made me really depressed this past year. I told my family that around Christmas was when I was going to get time off to accomplish things around my home and they just go and show up on my doorstep as a "surprise" and decide to stay for a week and a half. It's not fair that my family sucked up my vacation time and I've been so angry and stressed and depressed over it to the point that they even ruined Christmas for me this year. They are being so selfish.

  30. Neither of my parents expressed anger per say… mom has schizofrenia a she does not accept anger as a healthy or normal emotion, she confuses anger with aggression and so she condems it in all its forms… she goes psychotic and lashes out, my father is a passive aggressive person, so he uses silent treatment and nonconstructive criticism… all of that is toxic.

  31. Journal your feelings, thoughts and emotions..it works. but it does NOT have to be written by hand. A word doc works just fine. And add to it whenever you need to. After a while your anger will dissipate and you can delete it. Better than a rage room. Reminding yourself of your positive accomplishments also helps. Good Luck.

  32. Because of domestic abuse in my childhood and early adulthood I am terrified of expressing anger, in case I ‘go to far.’ I never have but the mere possibility terrifies me. ( I hear you also about fearing positive emotions too)

  33. I always wish i had something like a teddy bear that would protect me 🙂 I usually feel angry and upset at family gatherings and can't do anything because they'd know – it's impossible to express any distress in a house full of people. I have to think of something, because I don't have this problem when |'m alone.

  34. My struggle with anger has been the result of my long term marriage to a partner with BPD ending during my MSW. On the one hand, I can totally rationalize why things were like that, but I still find part of myself getting angry. I am pretty sure that this is based on my fear of her making bad choices that will hurt the kids. She still doesn't see that she has an issue, so is not getting any treatment. It's so frustrating. So what am I doing about it? Renovating my new house and keeping my grades up. When that doesn't cut it, I like to listen to music that is is similar in mood to help me process it. Channels like this definitely help with my knowledge and validation, so thank you.

  35. I'm so glad that I found your channel because i need to get this anger thing under control, don't wanna lose the women in my life and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep Tricia Roberts! So thank you Kati for all your videos and the knowledge you spread weekly. I do appreciate your time!!

  36. :36 amen! 🌋 I still have trouble for it not being a disease/disorder etc like Depression. Like Freud’s, “depression is anger turned inward.” Etc.

  37. I always thought I didn't get angry that much and it was just an emotion I didn't really experience but I've started seeing a new therapist and she keeps bringing up feelings of anger and when I get angry, how I deal with it etc and I kept telling her I wasn't angry (when we'd talk about particular situations I'd experienced) but now I'm thinking if there is suppressed anger that I just don't know about? Although I do think my therapist takes the idea of my anger too far, and seems fixated on it and I don't know why that is

  38. Hi Kati, I loved the tip on making a feeling chart and relating it to colors, I made a few recently and they're really fun and helpful. I even was creative with my words and placings of words and circled the emorions that best described how I was feeling. It's so calming to do, and a great way to release anger I feel. Thanks for the tip! I had a lot of built up anger and this video helped a lot. 🙂 xxxx

  39. I dance around my kitchen listening to angry screamo music and singing along to it. Or if I'm in my car I scream lyrics no matter what song is on.

  40. Hi Kati! Can you do a video on how to overcome gadget/phone addiction? It seems like a very serious issue happening now and me myself having problems to study as I get too caught up with my phone. Maybe anyone else can offer pointers to me please? Really appreciate it thank you 🙂

  41. Very, very helpful video. Thank you for putting this video out. I will try using these techniques. Very informative, this video just clicked with me.

  42. Hey kati Morton it's me remember me I have felt this towards people that get me irritated this way I wish you can reach out to me

  43. I really value your videos; thank you for making them!! I’m in psychodynamic therapy where the m.o. is more blank screen and silence rather than overt psychoeducation and tool development. I connect with my therapist wonderfully and it is unquestionably beneficial. But, I’m a scientist by nature and profession – my brain makes sense of the world with logic, mechanisms, and pathways. Psychodynamic therapy is effective precisely because I can’t logic my way through it, which is often frustrating. Your videos are like an informative little snack between sessions, and have given me helpful tools and information that add to my growth. You rock.

  44. I love your channel a lot! Would you mind telling me where I could get a similar BODY MIND picture like the one on your wall?

  45. Could you do one ‘what to do with your feelings of sadness?’ I was never allowed to be sad and it causes me a lot of distress. I won’t ask for help because of fear of rejection or humiliation and worrying others. How do you cope with it? Both when it checks In with the facts and doesn’t check in with the facts.

  46. I went to my first session with a counselor and tried to discuss this and it didn’t go well at all. And then you posted this video! Thank you Kati ❤️

  47. What happens when you are say in class or at work, and someone or people are irritating you and you beging to feel agitated but are trying to calm down …how can I without feeling panicked?

  48. i watched a video that said that according to studies, expressing anger by screaming, kicking etc. weakens your immune system and you have a higher chance getting a heart attack
    they said instead of screaming, kicking etc we should just immediately take deep breaths
    but you're saying that it's ok to express anger, and only after you express it you take deep breaths to calm yourself, so i'm confused

  49. Thank you so much for this video I usually self harm when im angry I just want to get rid of it all my emotions are controlled and stopped by self harm so these ideas are great and I'm going to give them a try

  50. I am a semi-pro Tae kwon do fighter. When I started training, it was an outlet, but I never had problems with anger. And then…there is a girl who likes to interfere between me and my friend and our relationship. Ever since she started asking questions around and all I have this uncontrollable anger but only towards her. I feel like I could literally use all my tae kwon do skills on her and just smash her head and literally beat the shit outta her. And then someone, a man, attacked my friend who is also a guy and I went and fought this man. I start to wonder if I am just being overprotective

  51. since i’ve gotten treatment for my mental illnesses, i’ve been really excellent at regulating my emotions EXCEPT anger! it’s frustrating because i feel like i can easily talk myself through any other emotion but anger trips me up and it makes me feel very negative

  52. Kati, I'm in a dbt bpd rehab and I've gotten to the stage where my therapist wants to do trauma work but I dont want to do it because I am happy where I am but they say that it will catch up with me, I dont know if I'm happy or fooled myself by telling myself I'm ok, I'm becoming confused with myself? Btw I love your videos they are very helpful

  53. I've been struggling with anger all day today. From almost the moment my work day started, something sparked it off and I haven't been able to let go. When trying to find something to distract myself, I suddenly thought about your guest appearance on Always Open, and that you talked about writing a book. So I downloaded it. I've been reading it on my breaks today, and listening to your videos during my work hours. They have made an enormous difference and have helped me chill out. Thank you, not only for that, but also for the wonderful information you are sharing and the help you are providing for others.

  54. This is exactly what I needed. I can’t scream cuz I live in the city center and I can’t break stuff cuz I wouldn’t know what to break.

  55. I hate it when people call anger a secondary emotion. It totally invalidates it in my opinion. You should read Language of Emotions.

  56. Thank you Kati for the lovely video. Only thing if you could have written the things we can do to heal anger while talking then it would be easier to remember. You speak a little fast, that's all. Thanks once again.🙏

  57. My anger gotten so bad to the point were 2 weeks ago I started a knife on the wooden restroom doors and tried staying the knife through the restroom door and even smashed a mug with a hammer
    Edit: 2:56 oh so is it ok if I do this?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *