The Earliest Show: Anger with Guest Jake Johnson (Episode 3)

[show music] [Marc] Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to The Earliest Show
with Josh and Sam! [Sam] Hi. Oh, thank you sir. Wow! It’s The Earliest Show.
Good morning. How are you? Why do you think
she doesn’t call? When you call somebody you expect
someone to give you a call back, because if you don’t then what the
[bleep] is the whole point of anything? When you are in a relationship,
you give the person a call back even to tell them if
you’re not interested. Well you know, yesterday
we told a really amazing story, but we have to give a
little retraction on it– – Oh my God.
– We said that a women
had 12 babies– – Couldn’t have been possible.
–And we were saying, [ they try to pronounce
“duodecaplets” ] We didn’t know
how to say it. So I hope that wasn’t the problem.
Was that the retraction? What could it have been?
How many kids did the
women have? Uh, she had a few less than
what we originally thought. – [Sam] OK.
– [Josh] A few would be 3. – So did she have 3 less?
– 10. – She had 10 less?
– She had 10 less than 12. She had twins. – So she had a normal twins.
– And we say a congratulations to that. – [Marc] Still a miracle.
– [Sam] It is still a miracle– It’s still a miracle but we
made it a whole story! – OK.
– We made a whole story that we talked about the [stammering]
the duo-DiCaprio thing. Like 20 minutes. Although, I think someone
has something to shoot for. So there’s a new report out there.
Marc, tell me if this is true. It turns out, you know how they
say you have to go to the dentists every 6 months and brush
and floss, keep it clean. Turns out you just have
to go once when you’re a kid and once when
you’re an adult. Check the baby teeth.
Check the adult teeth. – Get it right.
– Don’t put a thumbs up. You know we’re going to
have to retract it tomorrow! – What? No. That one’s a 100%.
– So, what’s going to be the story for tomorrow?
Name something.
What’s the hot topic? – What are we working on right now?
– Rainbows were invented. – Rainbows were invented!
– We thought this whole time they were a figment of our imagination.
They have been invented. First of all, no.
They’re not a figment of
your imagination either. They exist.
They’re not invented though. Tell me two people that have seen
the same rainbow at the same time. [stammering]
Me and all of my friends. Oh. Yeah. Good one. Well, OK. I’m really
excited because it’s Fall – which means it’s class photo day.
– I am excited for this. I am very excited for this. Let’s bring up photos of a few
people you might recognize. Let’s see Sam.
Pop up Sam’s.
Marc pop up Sam’s. – Here comes my full
photo Marc, right?
– Ah, look how cute that is. I think I’m going to give you a
run for your money on my picture. – OK. I can’t wait. Show me.
– Alright. Marc, put that picture on there. Marc, do me a favor and
put that picture on there. – Marc, put his picture up.
I want to see!
– Marc, put the picture on. Pop it on now! – Awww!
– There we go.
It’s up right now. – Oooh. Bleh.
– Fantastic. Maybe Marc’s instincts
were right for once. Um, you know what
I think it’s time for? I think it’s time to dance
over to The Social Wall. – We almost jinxed on that.
– Marc play the music.
Play the music Marc. ♪ [softly] There it is. ♪ Interesting. Welcome to The Social Wall
presented by Cap’n Crunch. Here we go.
First post. @GrandmaFay1934 says: I’m trying to text my son.
Is this my son? – No. You’re talking
to a show.
– Quick answer. No. You’re talking
to a show. Next post. @WhirlingGirlvish21–
Terrible pun. Staring off terribly. How can I tell if a guy likes me?
#EarliestShow. – [Josh is snorting]
– They flirt with you. They love you.
They take care of you. OK. They love you.
They take care of you.
Come on. That’s funny. [mimicking]
They love you.
They take care of you. [shouting] – Let’s move on.
– Next post. @CattitudeDude–
We got to get cooler people
watching this show. – Sounds like my kind of guy.
– Yo, Sam. My idiot cat always chews up
my video game wires when I’m gone. What lame stuff does your
cat do when you’re away?
#EarliestShow. Hashtag, this feels like too
many characters to be able to– – Are you making these up?
– Well, let me tell you what
my cat’s doing. We can cut to that right now in the
Kitty-Cam and see what Nancy’s up to. So that’s it,
that’s the whole deal? – That’s the cat?
– Yeah. – You dress it up?
– She likes clothes. She can’t tell you
she likes clothes. She doesn’t fight me. Let’s go to commercial.
We’ll be back with more
The Earliest Show. – Oh wow, very abrupt.
– [show music] ♪ Ever wanted to
make your own milk? Now you can with
the Dairy Stream. Step 1: Flip the switch.
Step 2: Trust the process. Step 3: Enjoy your fresh
milk flavored dairy liquid. – [chokes up]
– Order now! [show music] – We’re back Marc?
– [giggling] Welcome back to
The Earliest Show. – [chokes up]
– Uh-oh. We’ve got an
incredible guest for you guys. He’s on TV. He acts.
People write words for him and
he says them out loud. – Give it up for
Jake Johnson, New Girl.
– Yeah! ♪ – [Jake] Hey, how are ya?
– There he is. Hey how are ya? – Hiii.
– Hey. What’s up with him? He’s not so happy. He’s kind of upset right now.
He’s very angry. I asked my girlfriend to
marry me and she didn’t say yes. Do you even know what that means?
You must know what that means. Um, mine said yes.
[chuckles] So, no I don’t,
but I hear you man. – You married?
– I’m married. Yeah. Yours just said yes? That’s how it
goes usually. No, that’s not how it
always goes, because– By the way, I can get her back.
Is that what you just asked me? Did you ask me if
I can get her back? – No.
– I can get her back. – Uh-oh.
– That’s not something
I can’t do. Don’t talk down to me
like I can’t get her back.
I can get her back. – He just got here.
– Well, if you asked her
to marry you and she said, “No”
my guess is that you can’t
get her back. That’s not true.
Do you like chocolate? – No.
– OK. How about now? No. And if you keep asking I’m
going to get a restraining order, – ’cause this is stalking.
– Ask me. – Ask me if I like chocolate.
– And leave me alone. Because the reason I said no
is because I don’t love chocolate
and I’m never gonna. Yeah, but about this?
What if you hadn’t had
enough chocolate? Maybe you only had a
taste of chocolate, and you
haven’t had the full thing. – Maybe you only had a piece–
– Chocolate makes me sick!
I like vanilla. – Ask me if I like chocolate.
– And I like strawberry. – Maybe there’s a certain
type of chocolate–
– I don’t love chocolate! – What about dark chocolate?!
– I don’t love you, and I’m never gonna! You may love it!
You never gave it a shot! – You know what chocolate
I had before you?
– What? Was the best chocolate I ever had.
And can I tell you this? – Don’t you dare!
– I do like chocolate! I just don’t like yours. I just don’t like yours. And after you,
I’m going to get chocolate. – No you’re not.
– From him and him and him, and her and her and her.
They can pour chocolate
all over me! – Get it off your body!
– Jesus! They’re hugging.
They’re playing.
They’re play-play, yeah. Stop! Stop it!
This is stupid! I was talking about a girl.
I wasn’t even talking
about chocolate. I don’t care that
you don’t like chocolate. I want chocolate on
my face just not yours. – I don’t love you.
– I don’t love you. What’s New Girl? What’s what? – What’s New Girl?
– What’s Old Girl? – What?
– Well, that’s a good question. If Zooey’s the New Girl
who’s the Old Girl? …who’s the Old Girl? – What?
– If Zooey– If Zoo-ey is the New Girl
then what’s the Old Girl? – What’s the Old Girl?
– And when did– And how old was she,
and when did she pass? …And did she pass? Now I heard that you
directed an episode of New Girl. Was it tough bossing
around your friends? – No.
– Ugh… – Jake, thanks so much for coming out.
– Thank you so much. – It was such a pleasure to have you.
– What a pleasure. – It was a blast.
– Stick around for Monumental Makeover. ♪ [Jake] There’s a real funky
smell coming from you lady. [Josh] What is it?
Why didn’t you take
a shower? [Jake] Honestly, what is that?
– [Josh] What is it? – These are squirrel tails.
– Those are squirrel tails? [Jake] That’s honestly what it is?
It smells like a dead animal. ♪ It is time for one of
my favorite segments: Monumental Makeover
with Janice Crawl. Whoo! Hi, everybody.
Thank you so much. – We are so excited to
have you here.
– Me too. I can’t wait to
show you what I did. – Woooooow!
– I’m so excited. – Wow!
– Yep. Now I cannot wait to
see who you found today to
makeover. Now who is it? Today I made over a
guy named Bert Donaldson. – Yeah, who’s…
– Ooooh. – What is that?
– I want to meet him. And um, I took him
on a fashion journey. – Oh wow.
– Because you should’ve
seen him before. – Well, let’s see that.
– Let’s check him out. – OK.
– This is Bert before.
Eww. G’ross. – That’s a normal dude.
– Might throw up. I’m going to throw up.
I made this fool over. OK. Let me guess how.
Let me just throw it out there. Did you give him like a brown
leather jacket and maybe a grey
button-down and a fedora, and try to promise him that
he’s going to feel better and
be a better person, but in the end you’re doing
nothing and take all the
clothes back? Is that what it is? [chuckling] I’m sure the makeover
was much more nuanced than that. Go on. Bring him out.
Go Janice, bring him out. Go Janice, go. Let’s bring out
Bert Donaldson. ♪ Wow. I paired him in a brown leather
jacket with a grey button-up, with skinny black jeans,
and a fedora. So what is that?
That’s a brown leather
jacket and a fedora? That’s a brown leather
jacket and a fedora. What is that?
Is that a button-down shirt? – A button-down shirt.
– Hey Bert, you know you don’t get to keep the clothes?
Did she tell you that? – Yeah, I heard that.
– Don’t tell him. – He just found out.
– So anyways, this is a very, very stylish outfit
for 2016. – It’s a very man on
the go, you know–
– Yes! – He’s off and he’s
running for his very–
– Where is he going? Is he going to an
Indiana Jones movie? – Do you have a wife
or a girlfriend?
– I do not. – You will after this makeover.
– Really? OK. Right now.
Would you go out with him? I know you’re single.
Would you go out with him right
now wearing that leather jacket? You just made him up.
Would you go out with
him right now? – Yes. I– of course I am.
– Give him your number. Janice, give him
your number. – Can you remember things?
– I’ll put it in my phone. – Oh. [chuckles]
He has a cellphone. – Yeah.
– Tech savvy. – Is that surprising?
– Put it– Take it. 5-5-5, 0-1, 6, 8. Call it and see
if she’s lying. [Janice sighs] Why isn’t your
phone ringing? – It’s a pizza place.
– It’s a pizza place? It’s the closest pizza
place to my house, OK? No. You know what?
Ask her out right now. Do you want to
go out with me? No? – Why was that a question?
– This is stupid. We’re done. Can we be done?
You do it? Nailed it. Alright guys,
we’ll see you later. Good night,
good morning. Close enough.
Did they break up? – Yeah.
– Uh, yeah. – Did you tell her?
– I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

100 thoughts on “The Earliest Show: Anger with Guest Jake Johnson (Episode 3)

  1. That ending hits kinda home for me. as you can see in my profile i too have rocked the fedora leather jacket sweater over a button down combo in hopes of achieving the same aesthetic and dating opportunities.. its was a weird time/

  2. i usually laugh at almost anything..except for this. i watched 3 episodes. i must have no soul bc everyone else thinks this is hilarious.

  3. Great show, im so sorry but sam's facial expressions are raising my blood pressure. Idk what it is but everytime she fakes a smile or laugh it makes me cringe very hard and it pisses me off

  4. This one is the best! I didn't realize it until now but this show is usually missing a voice of normality to really be hilarious. LOVE THIS ONE!

  5. I can’t before that show made and was now on Tevelision and to make LOTS of CASHEW for acorns Spoiled

  6. The fact that Jake Johnson is already furious after being on screen for thirty seconds is honestly the funniest thing

  7. fail. die, I guess. annoying. this sketch is like an idea that that you thought was brilliant when you are on 5 hits of lsd. but then you convey the idea to a sober person the next day and you realize how senseless it was.

  8. have the weirdest feeling that Nick's idea book + Jean Ralphio's business skills would still be better than half of Silicon Valley ideas

  9. 0:45 πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ she had 10 less, so she had twins. She had normal twins.
    β€œIt’s still a miracle” πŸ€£πŸ™ƒπŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ™ƒπŸ˜‚

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *