SOBRIETY IN SEX AND DATING | The Sex Talk with Mou, feat. Sin Quirin and Dr. Amie Harwick

Hi hi I’m dr. Harwick, and I’m oh I’m Cyn and you’re watching Sex talk and today that we talk about sobriety and sex and dating Yeah I think sober dating and silver sex is an interesting concept because People who have drank heavy before or even just casual they’re social drinkers might be really used to first dates Having those couple drinks and one may sit and think about it And when was the last time that I had sex or went on a first date without any substance at all? And maybe that’s not even alcohol. Maybe that’s cannabis, especially with legalization of cannabis in California and other places So it’s really common for people to smoke to drink or to use drugs Date with around dating and sexuality, but what happens when that’s not present anymore? What about that change from non sober to sober dating and sexuality? And what is totally sober life like when you date and have sex so you haven’t that’s something we should talk about Yeah, actually, yeah, I was just talking to sin about that because sin has never actually Had a drink number never drank never smoked them. Tiny drugs. Wow, that’s amazing And so we live in such a medicated society Like even if you’re not drinking a lot you’re even if you’re not smoking weed a lot There’s psychotropic medications that people are taking there’s anxiety medications there’s medications for ADHD all of which sort of alter us and you know alter us emotionally ultros mentally physically sometimes and so even to you know, even taking those away can really Make sexuality and dating different sometimes harder, so I wanted to you know, sort of talk about that, but this is very interesting because you never ever Even sort of masked any of that so all of your experiences always have been Sober dating and sober sexual experience completely Yeah, and I mean, you know I’ve dated some people in the past that What most of the people need to them say most of the people that I did date in the past? were sober or not heavy drinkers or Definitely not like heavy drug users or anything Because I think it’s I don’t think it’s very common for someone, you know to have never It’s not it’s not I feel like in our society. It’s definitely yeah, so was for me, you know going into Relationships, you know always telling obviously, you know, they have been supplemental life. I don’t Have a problem with people drinking or you know doing whatever they want to do as long as it doesn’t turn into a problem Right for me right like xme, you know There’s been a couple that have slipped in through the cracks that are where you know what they would say Oh You know, I don’t do this or don’t do that and then slowly it would come out of it did and then you know I’m carrying someone out of a club and you know said we get like it would get it would Sound like that like I’m not one to I don’t want baby sit, you know, yeah someone so unless it turns into a problem I mean, I don’t have an issue with it per se it’s just something I’ve never done And it’s worked well for me Yeah I mean everybody has their own preference and one thing I really learned a lot when I was working under mow many years ago I had gotten sober about seven years ago. And I think just maybe my own projections my own experience is when people are clients I had brought up that they hadn’t used heavy drugs. My own response came up inside as therapists you Typically work through what that feels like for you and I remember it was you that told me you know what I look don’t drugs shame people if it’s not a problem, people are gonna choose what they’re gonna and your job isn’t to judge or to instruct but maybe just to sit there with them and Unless it’s a problem and looking for help with that or it’s a problematic behavior People are gonna choose to do what they’re gonna do So pretty much as a therapist and with my friends, I look at it more as risk reduction or harm reduction Little support with my friends or my clients as far as dating goes I’ve been sober seven years, so I’m not going to take that role with a partner But I take that role as a therapist some of my new friends is you know What’s gonna be the most responsible usage of these things but for dating? When you’re using there’s a few different ways that we can look at that I got a question one time when I used to write a Q&A and it was well What does it mean when somebody can’t have sex without cannabis? Well, that means you’re dependent on cannabis to have sex and that’s probably a problematic thing if you need a thing Whatever the thing might be to engage intimately however People can use things recreationally alcohol or canvas to enhance or add other types of feelings to a sexual situation However, your you are not fully fully present in that moment So it’s just a choice to have a different experience sensory experience of that moment When you don’t have any substance, you are just bullying yourself at that time And for some people that can be intimidating or scary so sober dating or sober sex for the first time for somebody who’s typically even had a couple drinks on dates can feel very Intimidating right and people who go through recovery that have had some sort of drinking problem or have wanted to reduce their drinking or drug use and Then go back into dating or they go back into their sex life. They oftentimes I which i’ve seen a lot in in my office is When they sort of remove the alcohol or the drug from their life their sexuality kind of go with it so it’s like how do we reintegrate my sexuality or my dating life back into my life because a lot of times alcohol and drugs in our society go along with this sort of like Inability to be comfortable around sex and dating. So let’s have a drink to loosen up I mean That’s our culture everyone not a date. Don’t you want to date don’t you want to drink and let’s meet at a bar. Yeah We’re all right thing, uh and at bars they’re all about hooking up and they’re all about drinking because that is kind of what is Perpetuated in our society and it’s it’s acceptable. It’s allowed but then when it becomes a problem people have to remove the drugs and alcohol from their life and sort of inevitably their Sexuality and they’re you know They’re dating and their relationships kind of also kind of when they change its going to acknowledge silver dating is going to look different Especially for somebody that was dependent or reliant on a substance. It’s just going to look and feel very different and at first what I find with clients that I work with and people I know is that When they start making that transition it can be scary. It might be triggering it might bring up things that Help them realize why they wanted a level of intoxication or a substance to be intimate or state Because it brings up some really intimidating vulnerable moments I find that being sober and dating and sober and sexuality you feels a lot more vulnerable, right? Yeah, I Mean, I think that ultimately if you’re getting that You know fucked up. I think it’s covering. It’s trying to cover something I think Yeah, um, you know, there’s nothing wrong. Like I said I’ve been with many people that you know Trouble drinks and it’s great, you know, whatever it would make them feel comfortable at times but I think when someone gets to the point where you know They’re barely coherent. They’re saying that that’s a sign to me. That’s just that’s a sign that they’re clearly trying But they need a substance to connect it You know, I think when we talk about sobriety or talking about sober dating I think our first thought is going to alcohol or you know, like I said cannabis but there are a lot of drugs that also create like a sense of connectivity that sometimes people seek out because they want that more than they’re able to definitely connect on their own like MDMA ecstasy even’s psychedelics that are in sometimes Janissary make sense now if it’s supervised and you know There’s a lot of controversy and also debate about about that right now It’s a really hot topic and still it would be something you’ve introduced to engage in something that gives the illusion or feels more connected when maybe you aren’t able to or Maybe aren’t comfortable with the way that you do it without So I think if you choose to engage in any type of substance and a safe responsible way and that’s your choice also being able to explore Sexuality without a substance. It’s really yeah. Yeah, it’s good to be able to do both, right? I mean there’s I like to say that there’s no harm like, you know, it’s we’re talking about in Using a little bit of cannabis You know to have some fun or to let loose or even have spiritual experiences with psychedelics or MDMA or whatever however, you choose to But are you constantly using it and then then it becomes problematic behavior, wherever you’re using it to avoid a feeling of vulnerability So anytime a substance it is you’re using it to In terms of dating and sexuality using it to escape or because vulnerability is just too much for you or you’ve had a traumatic experience Some of these things will mask those feelings and it won’t actually make it better It just allows you to avoid more of the problem kind of gets bigger And you know as long as you’re using those things infrequently in an appropriate dosage in a responsible way and that’s different for each type of substance whether Being supervised for whatever it is having responsible party. I know there’s organizations now that I’ve heard of that go to Burning Man and other places that will have a sober person sit with you when you Use the psychedelic so there’s definitely ways to be more or less responsible if you choose to engage in something again There’s always a risk, you know when you can’t control your environment around you But if you’re using it all the time for dating or sexuality, it can be problematic Like you said, our culture is kind of based around using substance with dating Grabbing a drink is usually the first date that people have and when you don’t do that I know I found being sober and people say you want to get a drink I said ma, you know I did mention to you that I don’t drink and they just get thrown off like a robot that can’t compute a week What do you do? What is that? How does that work? How do I know that it was so my question that the two of you is do you prefer to date people that are also sober do you have to make you know Sort of allowances when you’re cutting out a lot of people if you say I’m only gonna date a sober person, right? I got a large amount of the population and people fluctuate in and out of sobriety and for different reasons true and sober looks different For different people so I know for me that’s definitely not a requirement or something that I have to have but I have found that When I’m in a partnership or what I’m dating somebody that also doesn’t drink or engage in those things It’s not even a question if we’re going to go to a bar, you know It’s not even a question if we’ve alcohol in the house, they just don’t and that’s just one less thing to discuss right? It’s like Remember like if you’re vegan You’re gonna want a date a vegan make me or you can get you are are you gonna go to probably the same restaurants? Right eliminate, it just feels like something that maybe would maybe not be a requirement, but would make life a lot easier. Yeah Sure. I mean I did it’s never been a Realistic Bank Arena to expect someone, you know – never tried a drink or never like dunk, Annie Frank You don’t I mean it’s not realistic so I get that and a lot of people are also in a so if you’re in the program one of the Recommendations and a 12-step program is not to date for about a year because as you’re newly sober, you know Making choices like that can be difficult and not always positive when you’re hard not to gain at all for a year So if you’re in the program for a year your first year you’re not supposed to date And also people have different experiences with 12-step programs and sobriety It looks different for different people whether or not they act out in different ways and have other compulsions So, you know, I think with sober dating you definitely have an increased vulnerability. I Recommend most clients if they don’t know if they have a problem with sobriety or with yeah, right, just like why not? Why not just not drink for 30 days see how it feels Yeah, you know just throw it up casually and most people have found that when it is a problematic behavior And they haven’t accepted that that 30 days feels really uncomfortable. Oh, yeah, I don’t make it more than they thought name I think you know maybe she kept this going and typically typically have never heard a negative thing from a person and a client of friends saying that they were gonna abstain um, because they enjoy the feeling of being sober or they realize that maybe they were dependent in some way on the feeling of Just not worrying as much when they’re when they’re drinking or engaging in a substance, right? You definitely have the opportunity to have more mindful connected sex when you’re sober mindful more connected connections with people during dating I think that you are more likely to make more deliberate choices When you’re sober and I just think that like, you know You don’t have to be sober to be able to have those that in your life, right? You can you can choose to have a drink or you can choose to you know engage in drug use or whatever But I would you know, I would highly recommend Because that mindfulness in dating and sex is is where all the joy is at, you know? And you’re missing out on a lot of that if you’re constantly Sort of intoxicated or under the influence and in our culture now, that’s so comfortable with dating apps that are all swipe-based It’s very much. There’s quantity not quality you’re swiping through people like it’s a game Typically, you needed a bar. You have a drink and a lot of times people are just hooking up a lot faster Yeah because of the accessibility of so many people whether that’s because they just feel Like they’re ready to hook up or a lot of times I hear people saying well I know there’s so much competition because there’s so many people on the dating apps that I want to show that I’m able to be sexual and Maybe it wouldn’t do that. Otherwise, so their culture is with the dating apps kind of promoting Lots of people maybe less meaningful connections meeting for alcohol hooking up quickly and that’s fine if that’s what you want to do But that’s not always what feels right for people so I think the engaging in a substance on the first dates can make it easier to slip into behaviors that You feel pressure to do So I would recommend especially on a first date to abstain or to be more mindful eyes may try You know with with our culture the way it is now with so much Available at our finger tips that in and of itself can be anxiety provoking by getting in touch with those emotions Like what is what is the emotion that’s sort of driving? I don’t want to drink tonight You know, what is the emotion that’s driving you to want to like do some drugs, you know the function What is it? Because I think that it is really anxiety provoking today Sex can be very anxiety provoking Because it’s something that we’re just not allowed to talk about on a regular basis and it’s the sex talk, you know And so like when we’re thrust into a world, which doesn’t feel safe for us It’s easy to want to want to pull on some sort of a crutch and I think that alcohol Has sort of been given to us as like a socially acceptable crutch to you You know this stuff. I mean it’s a very much agree with the vulnerability of being Sober and doing any of this stuff. Yeah, cuz you’re really out there with nothing. I Mean you’re like yeah, you know when you when you go on stage now I know musicians don’t feel like they have to drink before they go Intimidating, you know and you haven’t had that experience like you’re just out there. I know I mean, I know a lot of People in bands that can not walk out on stage Yes, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but this should be called sober sex dating and stage In front of other people, I mean this goes back to Showing up as yourself in front of people or people’s yeah as your authentic self and whether that’s on a stage Sexually naked you know dating because that’s all of feeling of vulnerability, you know You’re showing up as you in front of something or someone and what do you need to do to be able to do that? And what kind of work needs to be done around it? I mean sin I never did any work around it or maybe you just constantly been doing work around it you know Amy recently started doing work on it and and just sort of getting to the core of of that can actually be really Liberating and enlightening, you know, you know what’s funny is is for many years I never admitted that I was sober because early on in my career When I would talk about it people would talk down to me When in community where people feel safer because you’re also using right, so I feel threatening Yeah in like base like early work early energy most people would The backlash I would get would be like and I hate using this term because I had started but people would say Oh, you’re not a real rock star, you know, you don’t drink But your guys know So early on I stopped talking about it and for many years like I would just kind of dance around that Subject in that question. Yeah, and it’s not open So like I want to say in the last five years or so a bit. I kind of just started open Yeah that because and you know, why is there been a couple instances where I’ve met? some fans on the road with their kids and I remember this one guy in particular Backing his prize. It’s sums like 10 years old and he was like my son such a big fan of yours He’s like meets all your enemies and he says that he wants to be just like he’ll he’s not gonna drink exactly Just taking guitar lessons and I’m like wow like that really on an evening like that really hit me I’m like, wow, you know by me talking about that It’s kind of you know, sort of leading this kid Especially when you have a platform I was just gonna say having a platform and using it for good like knowing you and showing up as you and authentic. Yes I mean it just you know like to me that was that was a big thing for me to hear and and why I Started openly talking about it me being you know, so in my entire life You know everyone again everyone needs to do with what they want to do Yeah, you know I never tell anyone, you know, don’t do this. Don’t do that. This has just worked for me And it’s just a show that you can do what I do and be completely sober. Yeah and still it’s confiscatory Oh, yes, very pasta do this. Yeah. It’s possible to be you know Pursuing me like well musician and you know go on stage with this Type of music can also be sober So if you’re not then this or that but it’s you can be this and that you yeah We could have fun. You could be sexual you can engage in different life styles and choose or not choose Yeah And very, I mean I also want to say, I think it’s very important than just people you know that do drink Or do whatever just you know, just be careful and just try to you know Not let it get so out of control that you don’t even know where you are Yeah Yeah Sex

2 thoughts on “SOBRIETY IN SEX AND DATING | The Sex Talk with Mou, feat. Sin Quirin and Dr. Amie Harwick

  1. I got better at sex once I went straightedge, thirty years ago

    just learning to make sure a lady had an orgasm,

    was something that took me a while, including study and practice, to do and do properly

    and THEN, to learn that women can have many orgasms in one session was a whole different level

    let me just write, I have met this SIN person in real life, more than once, in Mexico city, and he is an honest truthful strong person

    also seen him do his guitar thing in Calgary

    besides being an incredible fucking asskicker and bullshit destroyer on guitar . . . FKN AMAAAAAAAZING MAN !!!!

    whoever raised that dude did a good job

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