[theme music from “Rocky” as rendered on an old computer] Twice the mega power? What’s mega power, and how can you have twice as much of it? The title screen shows a nice colorful display for 8-bit graphics, though I would have preferred a traditional black and white side-scrolling title like in the movies, but more importantly listen to the music. [music] Does it sound anything like the Rocky theme or any of the music from the movies at all? Well, the graphics are great, for the time, but I wonder why Rocky’s training in shorts. Not to mention, why Apollo’s shorts — that didn’t happen ’till the third movie. Anyway, this is the training stage, and you just keep tapping the buttons. I really don’t know if there’s any technique, but you just keep tapping the buttons. Well, this is boring. Don’t you think? Fuck. Cock-a-fucking doodle-ass shit-sucking ball-fuck, this is fucking boring. Okay, here we go. We’re fighting Apollo. Graphics look great. They’re in the proper color shorts, the ring, the audience, everything looks good — for 8-bit, of course. But I can’t say the same for the gameplay. All you do is tap buttons. There’s a few different kinds of punches you can execute, like a hook, a straight punch or an uppercut. And I have the manual which tells me, keeping your distance, hitting up and 2 does a straight punch, down and 2 does a hook, and standing close, the 2 button alone, or up and 2 does an uppercut. Now I find that none of that works, so I just tap buttons, primarily the 2 button, the other one blocks. And besides the mere simplicity of it, it’s just unpredictable as to when you’re going to hit or get hit. The control just sucks shit balls. The worst thing about it is how you move. Unlike traditional control where if you push left you go left and if you push right you go right, Rocky just weaves back and forth on his own. It doesn’t make any sense at all. To move your player about the ring does not really require any specific buttons for execution. It requires the right situation because your player will be prohibited from moving unless you satisfy these conditions. If you’re on the offense and attacking freely, your player will move according to the direction of your blows and can be guided to the left/right or forward/backward with your D-button. If you’re on the defense, your player will not move in the direction you want until you can guard yourself effectively (Button 1). And then, you must start dealing blows to be in control of your footwork as mentioned above. So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It’s a bunch of putrid anal-shit coming out of a rhinoceros asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits at the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds. The control in this game is poo poo. All right, I knock Apollo down, he starts humping the floor. He gets back up. He’s as easy as crap, as long as you just keep tapping the button. Knock him down, he humps the floor, he gets back up. The repetitive nature of this game is astounding. How many times can he get back up? It’s embarrassing. There’s no three knockdown rule in effect, no Mario to come in and say TKO, even though I think a technical knockout can occur in this game. It takes forever to happen, so it just goes on and on and on. Eventually he’ll stay down and you win. Then you get another training stage. Just wonderful. Is there any point to this? I know it’s supposed to make me stronger during the fight, but fuck it, I don’t feel like tapping the buttons. It’s only gonna make my fingers more tired, and then I’ll end up losing the fight anyway. I’d rather just wait instead. [computer music] Fuck it. Alright, well, there’s no rematch with Apollo like in the movie. So you just go straight to Clubber Lang. Wait, what’s this? He’s kicking my ass. He’s punching my face, whatever. Unlike Apollo, Clubber Lang will just rip your asshole inside out. Fuck. God damn. He’s a tough son of a bitch fucker. Get up… Get up, you floor-fucking dickhead. Stop humping the floor. How does a game go from being so easy to being so fucking hard? Let’s try again. This time no fucking around. Gotta do good on those training stages. Gotta get strong. I just gotta keep tapping those buttons till I break my thumbs. Fuck! Fuck. Damn! Fuck! Bitch! This game is ass. I’d rather take a bath in elephant feces. I’d rather eat raw eggs. Ass! Die!