He’s the Angry… Video Game… Nerd.
-FUCK! Why do so many of these games suck ass? I’m surrounded by them. All the time. Shitty games, staring me in the face with their shitty look– Don’t you fucking look at me! And YOU, you, I’m sick and tired of your fucking shit, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get rid of them. Just the bad ones. This one’s good. That stays. This one? No. This one… yeah. This one? Uh, yeah. This one? (fart noise) This one? No. This one? NO. This one — pretty much nothing LJN. Oh this one’s definitely going. And this shitty game, and this shitty game and this shitty thing and THIS SHITTY THING! They can’t just be thrown away.
They can’t just be destroyed. They need to go into space because I
don’t even want to live on the same planet where any charred remains of these filthy dung heaps reside? (alarms blaring)
Ohhhhhh, shit! Alright. I had a little maintenance to do. I gotta wait from my ship’s computer system to reboot. Meanwhile, I’m all alone on a planet with only one game: Planet of the Apes for Playstation. You know that saying: if you were stranded, and you had only one game to choose. What would it be? Probably not this one! The movie Planet of the Apes was one of the greatest science fiction films of all time. But then here comes the game, and you know what always happens when you take a great movie and turn it— oh wait… It’s based on the remake. Well… that’s a new equation. I totally forgot there was a remake of Planet of the Apes. It was in 2001, it was a big deal for one weekend, and now, nobody gives one quarter of a shit. But hang on now? Are these characters from the original, like Dr. Zira and Dr. Zaius? What mixed up timeline are we in here? Is that Charlton Heston or Mark Wahlberg? Or maybe Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle? Apparently this game took elements from each, creating a total hodgepodge. They didn’t even know what to do with it. As soon as the remake was greenlit, so was the game and was planned to come out around the same time as the movie of course… …but the movie had many setbacks, so the game had to continue without it and invent much of its story on its’ own… …but then, the movie got rushed and got farther along in the game. So I guess you could say, the movie was really… ahead of the game. Here’s the movie, here’s the game, here’s the head. the movie was ahead of the game. So, the movie came out first on July 27th, 2001. The game came out on PC on September 20th… …while the Playstation version debuted the following year: August 22nd, 2002. But it didn’t debut: it debutted. That’s when rancid feces are disengaged from the buttocks. From the– from the butt– the buttoc– the bu– the buTTOCKS. Meanwhile there’s a Game Boy Color and a Game Boy Advance version as well. Just some extra shit nuggets for you. Anyway, as soon as these cutscenes end, we can finally start playing the game. First thing, the controls take some time to get used to. When you pick up an item by pushing X, it doesn’t go into your inventory right away. You have to push Triangle to put it in your pouch. And Circle puts it back on the floor. Here, watch me pick up the key, put it away, take it back out, put it away, crouch, moonwalk… All I want to do is use the key on the door! How could something so simple be so complicated? Whoa, what’s happening here? The walls are moving, man. This is some freaky, deaky shit. Seriously, does that ever happen in Doom? Can you name any other game where the walls are warping themselves in a constant state of dimensional shift? This must be one of the hardest things to fuck up in a game, and again, it’s only the year… 2002. Guess they haven’t invented steady walls yet! What’s going on with this game? My foot is going through the food bowl… There’s a slice missing from the table… My legs are disappearing… There’s an unexplained shape materialising… And I’m hovering around like a crazy man! It’s amazing in the evolution of games, how much de-evolving has taken place. Nothing is more primitive than the combat system. Whenever you encounter an ape, you just mash the button over and over until hopefully they drop dead. It’s all a matter of luck. There’s no strategy, at least not from what I’ve determined. You just keep punching, and sometimes the punch locks up for some reason. Come on, hit him, HIT HIM! Why are my fists so unreliable? And the apes block about 90% of the punches. COME ON! Uh, come o– Oh, ho ho! Finally, I got one! …but I’m almost dead. You have to be lucky to survive one fight. You can get medical kits, but they’re not very common and they don’t fill you up all the way. You can take the ape’s club, which makes it a little easier, but it’s not much better than your fists. Most of the time, it misses or they block it and after every three swings, there’s a lag leaving you open to the ape’s attacks. Geez, why can’t I hit him?! WHY CAN’T I HIT HIM?! You can also get a knife, but it doesn’t do much better than a club. In fact, I think it’s worse than the fists. It doesn’t seem to do any more damage, and it hardly hits its’ mark. I mean look at this. Is he blocking my knife? How do you block a knife? So, my advice, I have three tips here: Don’t get the knife! Don’t get the knife! Don’t get the knife! Then they start coming out doing karate kicks. What is this, ‘King Kong Fu’? Oh, I almost got him. Oh, what?! Ohhhhh, fuck! (Nerd grunts) Also, you want to know what happens when you die? Take a guess, check any that apply: Extra lives, continues, checkpoints, what do you think? NOTHING! The only thing you can do is save to a memory card… …but only after you’ve beaten a level and even then, it’ll start you at the beginning of the level, no matter how far you’ve made it… …and if you lose on the first level, it’s back to the menu and the opening cutscene, all over again! You know what I miss? I miss THIS so much! Such a simple thing you can take for granted. The camera angles. Oh boy… We’ve been here before. You already know the deal and the deal keeps getting worse all the time. The camera is too sensitive. every time I make the slightest turn the camera reacts by zigzagging from side to side to follow my every movement… Like a kid with a shopping cart following too close behind the parent. And if a foreground object gets in the way, you’re pretty much screwed. No, no, NO! GET IT AWAY! You might as well play blindfolded. Also, there’s parts where you have to interact with things like buttons on the wall. To do that, you have to put your weapon away first. Why couldn’t that be automatic or couldn’t he just use the club to push the damn button? The navigation? Well, it’s one of those “where the fuck do you go?” kind of games. To my knowledge, there’s no map and nothing to help guide you through. Here, I got SO stuck I had to look up a walkthrough and apparently you’re supposed to jump into the ceiling. Jump? You could jump in this game?
So I had to look that up, too. Yeah, there’s Wi-Fi on this planet. So, you jump by pressing spacebar. Yeah, that’s for PC, what about Playstation? so the old-fashioned way, never fails, the instruction manual. Jump is R2. It says it right there. Okay, so I try it and… nothing happens. R2 works for running, but it does not jump, so what’s going on here? I press every button combination I can think of and– Oh my. You have to press R2 and X at the same time? Wow, real helpful manual. You have three buttons assigned to using, taking and dropping items… But you can’t have one for jump? L1 isn’t even used! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!, oooh my gosh. The worst sign of bad controls is when you have trouble doing something that would actually be easier to do in real life. All I’m trying to do is climb a ladder! Uh, hmm, all right, made it. Aaaaaaaw, come on! OK, so I have to turn this heat valve. Hmph… Hmm, found something here. Just put it away– Oh fuck! I used it. Whatever. Seems I wasted it, whatever it was. What? Can I get through this game without being a hazard to myself? So in this lab, there’s all kinds of different colored pills laying around. You can take everything in sight like a drugged up rock star… But what you need to do is read the letter you find on the desk. Subject 1: red bottle, temporary… cardiac arrest. Whose idea was it to block the text with the letter? That would be like having a page of an instruction manual with a picture of the instruction manual plastered on top of it! So anyway, you’re supposed to take the red pill, then sound off an alarm to call an ape over and I looked it up and confirmed that this is exactly what you’re supposed to do. The ape will come into the room just in time to see you collapse, he’ll think you’re dead, he’ll take you to the morgue and that’s where you wake up and escape. Pretty elaborate, but hey should be easy, right? Well, guess what? The ape won’t come in. I tried taking the pill before I hit the switch, after I hit the switch… I tried standing by the door, I even went outside the door, but there’s no ape. I’m just faking my own death for my own amusement. Just an asshole in a room falling on the floor again and again. Somebody come in and watch me die! Somebody! OH SHIT! Uh, take the pill, take the– OH HO! Oh, the only planet this game came from is Uranus! Oh, this game is a madhouse! A MADHOUSE! Oh, you damn dirty game designers! You maniacs! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! OH, THAT’S IT! I’M GOING BACK TO EARTH! Oh my God…