Subtitles completed by: MrKizu He’s gonna take you back to the past. To play the shitty games that suck ass. He’d rather have, a buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He’d rather eat the rotten asshole… …of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer. He is the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd! He’s the Angry Atari-Sega Nerd! He’s The Angry Video Game Nerd ! We’re talking some real intense shit right here. We’re talking Ninja Gaiden Everyone always said “Ninja Gayden”, but I know for a fact. It’s “Gaiden”. You know where I learned that from the Wizard. Ninja GAI-den!. Hai! Yeah. Back then nobody knew how to pronounce the names it’s like in Street Fighter We didn’t know “Ryu” was actually “Ryu”
[Pronounced like “Re-ju:”] Blanka, some people say “Blænka But there’s no way it could be that because “Blænka” sounds like blanket, man Anyway, Ninja Gaiden to me is one of the most memorable games the 8-bit Era While the arcade version was a Double Dragon style Beat ’em up. The NES version is an adrenaline charged side scroller Every second counts when you’re slashing away at enemies and hopping platforms and learn how to bounce back and forth between walls is a necessity As an added bonus to it’s hot gameplay, excellent graphics and music It was also one of the first games to have cutscenes. Common, nowadays sure but back then gamers hadn’t seen anything like it. So epic! The story follows a ninja named Ryu who travels to America to Avenge his father’s death It seemed everyone always assumed that it was the same Ryu from Street fighter But I’m pretty sure there’s no relation to further perpetuate this alleged Tie-in they had to name reuse father Ken. Okay? Ryu and Ken how could you not think Street Fighter? As the story unfolds it turns out before Ken was killed he was working together with an archaeologist, Walter Smith they were the safe keepers of two Demon statues that when combined would awaken an ancient Demon that had previously been defeated by Shinobi Yeah! Shinobi as in the Sega franchise! This game is a whole network of Ninja cross references! The sequels continued to have awesome cutscenes and throughout the series Ryu would always say what “What the…?” “What the…?” ! What was he gonna say? What the fuck? Oh and what is going on there?! It always kept you waiting and see what would happen next. Your reward for beating the level was that you get to see the next part of the story. It’s cinematic style contained elements of Anime and Film noir. Throw that together with some fast-paced high state Gameplay and, man. The effect was intoxicating! The only problem with these games is that they are relentlessly difficult and nearly inconceivable to beat The second game incorporated new stage hazards that were never seen before There’s the wind level where the wind keeps changing direction so you have to time your jumps accordingly Such a pain in the ass Then there’s the ice level where you slide all around and my most hated of all is when everything goes dark You might as well be playing blindfolded. The third game is the worst of all because up until this point. They had unlimited continues, but not this one There’s nothing more frustrating than to make it really far, and then have to start all the way back from the beginning I’d say this is the hardest trilogy of games on the NES. Even harder than Castlevania! I’m gonna focus on the first Ninja Gaiden It’s been over 20 years, and I still can’t beat the son of a bitch One of the biggest problems is that if an enemy’s anywhere near the edge of the screen. They will respawn infinitely Nice, thanks for wasting my firepower! The number one most constant issue in this game is getting knocked back. It’s the same as in Castlevania. It doesn’t matter where you are no matter which angle you get hit from it always seems, you gravitate towards the nearest hole You know I’ve forgotten that this game has a life bar Yeah, you can actually die if you take enough hits but whenever you get hit there’s a death trap right next to you So you’re always going to die by falling. You might as well not even have a life bar! Look at this guy, how am I supposed to get past him? Mmng! Fuck! Urrgh! Urrng! Urrrgh!! Fuck. Fuck! Fuuuuck!! This is impossible! How am I supposed to beat this?! Nerd: Please, teach me how to beat Ninja Gaiden Ninja: Ninja Gaiden? I haven’t heard that name… …in ages Nerd: Really? Ninja: Normally they say. “Ninja… …Gay-den”! Nerd: Does that mean I’m worthy? *Ninja laughs* Ninja: Playing Ninja Gaiden is a secret of art! Only the most determined players can defeat it Psych! You must be quick. You must be strategic. Can you learn that my boy? Nerd: I’ve wanted to beat that game all my life. Ninja: You realize before you can beat the game… …the game must beat YOU! Nerd: And it has! For the past 20 years it’s kicked my ass! I love the game. I want to complete that love, by finishing it Ninja: Very well! Nerd: Fuck! Ninja: Sloppy! Is the game controlling you?
Or are you controlling the game? Nerd: Gah! I keep getting stuck on the walls! Ninja: Ninja!….Must be master… …of his environment! Nerd: What the fuck was that?! Oh come on! How’s i was supposed to know a bat was coming? Ninja: A Ninja… …must look… …beyond the borders… …of the screen! Nerd: Got em… Oh there is another bat! *Ninja laughs* Ninja: Try Again! Practice! Unlimited continues means no Game Over! Game is only over…… …when you make it over! Nerd: What am I supposed to do? The bats keep coming? Ninja: You must move! How is one… …to advance… …if you waste all your energy on one enemy! Nerd: Oh! You mother! Ninja: You must not act too quick, or too late! Perceive the victory in your head… …and your perceived future… … will be your present Nerd: Yeah!! Ninja: Good… Nerd: No!, I jumped a bat, got killed by a cat! That’s the way this whole game is it’s just an endless cycle of things that kill you! Like a checkmate! Ninja: Nerd. Checkmate does not exist… …unless you make it exist! Think between the spaces, Nerd. If you set a course for the moon and merely follow the stars… …then you’ll miss that which you had set forth. Hm? Nerd: Look at all this shit! There’s a million flying enemies, and they all respond quicker than I can attack! Ninja: You’re paying with anger! Anger… does not exist! Pain…does not exist! Defeat…does NOT EXIST! Nerd: Argh! Ninja: Before you leap… …you must look! Nerd: I looked! I looked! Ninja: Before you look… …you must think! Before you think… …you must FEEL! Nerd: Argh! Ninja: Before you feel…you must… Nerd: I’ve had enough! Ninja: Come! Show me your thumbs. Nerd: What? Ninja: Your thumbs! Nerd: My thumbs? Ninja: Like this! Nerd: What?… Ninja: Do it! Faster! You are slow as sloth taking shit! Come! We will develop speed! Q-Tip When I drop Q-Tip.You catch with thumb! Psyych! Too slow! Again! Ninja: Again!
Ninja: Again! Ha! Ha! Psyych! Very, very slow! Psyych! Too slow! One more time! Focus! Ready?! Nnnnngh! Sa! I told you not to fear! Psych! We learn rhythm! Speed is rhythm! Rhythm is life! Psych, psych, psych, psych! Nerd: This is impossible! How is a human being supposed to be faster than a machine a game machine? Ninja: Game machine! Machine predictable! You not! Nerd: What?
Ninja: No choppa offa! [clank] Nerd: Ugh! [clank] Ngh! This is bullshit! Ninja: Oooooh…. Nerd: That’s unbelievable! Ninja: With that attitude you’ll never succeed! [Intense training music] Nerd: Final boss! Final boss! Ninja: You have three final bosses. Nerd: The first boss isn’t too hard once you know how it’s done But the second boss is a nightmare his fireballs never miss. They follow you everywhere you go Are you fucking kidding me? I’m all the way back at Stage 6-1? That’s fucking horseshit! You die on the boss you go all the way back?! Ninja: Die you, go back you must learn discipline! Nerd: But how am I supposed to practice on the boss as soon as I start to learn the pattern I die And I have to go through the last stages all over again. The hardest section of the whole game is this part right here It’ll be so much easier. If I had a throwing item like a ninja star But this game is very stingy with its special weapons. The ammunition is scarce and whenever you die you reset to nothing even if you do manage to get to this part with a weapon. It doesn’t help much And once you die you can’t go back and restock. This section contains no weapons. So all you have is your sword. The only way to get past this motherfucker is to trigger a glitch making them disappear but that only happens if you’re really lucky, then you’ll get another shot at the boss But they don’t even have the fucking courtesy to refill your life bar That is sadistic! Whoever programmed this thing. I want to rip their fucking heart out of their ass and show it to them So they can see how cold and black it is before they die There’s no stage select code and no helpful Game Genie code either. Infinite lives? Yay, isn’t that what you have already? How ’bout put me back at the boss so I can get another try. At least it lets you skip all the bosses that you’ve beaten, but it makes me sick to think that there’s still one more boss I haven’t made it to Nerd: I give up! Ninja: You must not give up! No Game Over! Nerd: Game’s over now. You try! Ninja: Fuck! I’m Chuck, Fuck! Fuuuck! Nerd: You know the whole fucking trilogy is impossible the first game sends you back The second has the stage hazards. and the third one has game overs, so it’s like pick your poison Well, I got my poison right here