100 thoughts on “Narcissistic relationships: when insecure people prey on other insecure people

  1. You know these people SO well!!!! I can’t help wondering if your knowledge is based on more than education and therapeutic experience. It’s uncanny! I always thought my ex would make a good salesman! These people cannot love, they don’t know how. I can’t help wondering at what point do they become evil, because this is what I call malevolent people.

  2. I really appreciate the angle you took with your message: "It is okay to understand how a narcissist developed, but it is NOT OKAY to let their abuse happen to you." Agreed!

  3. I love everything you are saying about love and understanding but not hanging around for the abuse. Despite my insecurities, I apparently was strong enough and capable enough that my ex could no longer gaslight me and divorced me. This was all so long ago and was a great lesson for me. Wish I had been smarter when I was younger, but I did finally learn.

  4. Dr. Ramani, Did you see that Sam Vaknin has a therapy for helping the narcissist heal. He calls it COLD THERAPY because it is talking to them like they are the age (4 to 9) that their neglect, trauma, and abuse took place to cause them to go inward and become narcissists. He calls is COLD THERAPY because it is cruel for them to go through but they need to go through the trauma to heal. Just like I had to remember my childhood neglect, trauma, abuse, and then "go through" the emotional flashbacks and when triggered I had to self nurture etc. I am hoping that narcissists can someday be helped. There is always hope. <3

  5. Can you do a video regarding the narcissist having "a supply in the wings"? It seems to be common that narcissists are grooming a new supply while discarding the old supply. Augh! Hurtful jerks!

  6. Yes. I teared up also. Having those vulnerable things of ours protected. Thank you. I just imagined and tried to recall anyone who was like this for me or to imagine or remember what a good feeling that was or would be. This is how it SHOULD be. I hear people going immediately to well, the narc is there to show us our own insecurities. Well, geez. I mean really? I didn’t need to be reminded in bold type front page and mocked about it repeatedly as if just badgered with it. I’m well aware of my flaws already. So yes. Thank you. I call bs on that and yes maybe it means ok I need to work on that as it was exposed. But it also doesn’t lessen just how wrong it is of them to exploit it rather than protect it. It’s so different from how my narc parents are tho. Really just felt like a big hug. I should’ve been protected. I shouldn’t have had my insecurities magnified and exploited and put out on display and mocked. That was extremely wrong of them to do so.

  7. You are brilliant! Thank you for explaining the subject into laymen's terms "The Big Fish
    vs. The Smaller Fish!" So appreciate reminding me that although u can feel compassion
    for their problematic childhood, its' not a reason to stay.

  8. I think It’s better we understand that Life isn’t a bed of roses and it only takes a smart and determined mind to know what he or she is getting into. There’s a popular saying that: “don’t trust too much because that too much might hurt you so much”. A Narcissist shouldn’t be trusted…they’re toxic!. I discovered my husband of 13 years cheating on me through the help of Cyberhackingsage who helped cloned his cellphone and i was able to read all his messages and uncover his Infidelity without having to touch his phone. All i did was share my husband’s number with Cyberhackingsage and i got access to his social media accounts. I read all recent and deleted chats On his WhatsApp, Snapchat, and emails with a remote link on my phone. I’m here in L.A and able to read my husband’s text even while he was away in Australia cheating on me. I found out through his chats that my husband has been secretly diverting our hard earned savings to his old school mistress for upkeeps. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i am going through a divorce with lots of evidence against him.. You can contact this Sage hacker Via Gmail ( [email protected] ) Or Text and speak to him directly on his phone and WhatsApp +15713758467 and don’t forget to thank me later.

  9. I’m really tired of people conflating empathy and ENABLING.

    If you ACTUALLY have empathy for a narcissist, you will hold them accountable 10000000% of the time because no one deserves to be as disordered as they are acting.

    No one deserves to be as horrifically unpleasant and self-loathing and nasty as they are.

    It’s an act of love to say to them “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Talk to me about it whenever you want! Or DONT if you don’t feel comfortable. Feel free to vent or cry or even darkly laugh about it.

    But your traumas DO NOT EXCUSE TRAUMATIZING OTHERE.

    Ever. Period.”

    Narcissistic will legit be like “wah! My mom was mean!l and nowhere to be found when, for example, my mother is having a psychotic episode and threatening to kill herself and others.

    “Wah! I was once a victim of sexual assault!” Yes. Maybe. Statistically it’s almost a certainty. And it sucks….

    But……

    Why do narcissist only ever bring those things up as an EXCUSE for misbehaving towards someone else? Sometimes even as an excuse for sexual abuse they themselves are perpetrating?

    It’s disgusting!

    And I just think the next step of all this wonderful research and work is really really really really REALLY delving into the underlying narcissism of the enablers and co-dependents.

    NO ONE’S TRAUMA IS AN EXCUSE TO HURT SOMEONE ELSE, FFS!

    If that were true, then woukdnt people who have been sold into slavery just be given carte blanche to kill anyone?!?

    SOB STORIES can be SOB STORIES. Having true EMPATHY requires being able to tell when someone is overstating harm.

    We are not compassionate and in fact are safely lacking EMPATHY if we can’t smell it on them when someone is overstating harm, vs when they’re actually hurting.

    It is very selective compassion to say “that person had a bad upbringing, so behaving like an animal is ok.”

    No it’s not. Love people enough to hold them accountable. Respect people enough to believe they are humans with agency.

    Stop excusing HORRORS.

  10. This video almost bought me to tears because I'm dealing with this issue with the guy on with and its heartbreaking to love someone like this but at the same time I'm beginning to realize I hate him for being this way.

  11. Would asking a person what their insecurities are be a good question to ask a possible not sure is Narcissistic person , how would they typically answer a question like that?

  12. This is how my partner preyed on me!! Put my ideas and views down.. He is in Arizona now. I'm in Nevada. I'm regaining my sense of well being and value.

  13. I remember I wanted to adition for the music department at VCU. I was pretty talented and my family knew this. My insecurity or flaw is I can be very impressionable. They gave all the what ifs and downplayed my talent nonstop until I finally gave in and not pursue my goal. From time to time, I think about it and feel foolish and regretful.

  14. Many trauma survivors become narcissists as they believe it is vital to protect the world from the things that they have experienced. The problem is that hiding the true self that lies beneath is a far worse act than revealing the truth, however dark it may be.

  15. I’m swimming away! Thank goodness there’s a big Atlantic Ocean between us! Thank you for this wonderful video Dr Ramani.

  16. I have a question – if the core of being narcissist is insecurity and low self esteem, so if those can be restored through therapy (and I think/hope they can?) shouldn't person stop being narcissist?

  17. My husband, whom I’m trying to divorce find’s ways to put me down. He is on a smear campaign right now. I was able to practice self control for the sake of our son for a long time… but I can’t take it anymore. I work very hard and he works part time. I’m at my breaking point.

  18. The yuckiest ones are the ones who prey on your insecurities using honey coated tones. It generally happens women to women, though I had a boyfriend who'd do that to me.

  19. Lovebombing happens among neighbors too. One of my neighbors praised me and acted nice only to push me to buy random things she sells (she’s wealthy btw).

  20. I used to be a whole lot stronger before this narc relationship., I thought we could try and help each other get better. Now, I’m finding myself going to a therapist again to gain my strength back just to leave.

  21. Thank you for speaking the truth about these persons and our role in the situations. Thanks for your simple, excellent analogies. Pictures while under duress is lifesaving…
    Happy Day you were born – you’re a gift to us ! 🎁🕊God bless

  22. I cant thank you enough for your dedication, compassion and incredible insight into this experience.You have an exceptional gift in bringing ideas forth, fleshing them out, educating and always giving hope, not an easy task when dealing with a person with NPD abuse. We have been seriously studying your videos for months daily, watching, talking, exploring and slowly painfully unraveling a long history of horrible abuse at the hands of a family member with NPD. I am speaking form my heart when I say finding your channel has literally saved our lives. Thank you Ramani for the light your are in this very dark place, thank you for the validation you provide to hundreds of thousands of people , thank you for the teaching and the tools and thank you for stepping forward to bring this to us. not everyone understands Narcissistic people like you do. You really need a super heroine cape. love this video so so so much!!!! You are right on the money with all of it.

  23. I believe smartness is essential in any relationship, my worst experience was discovering my 6 years husband cheating through the help of an hacker who helped cloned his cell and i got access to all his Text messages, Whats-app, Facebook, Snap-chat, Instagram, Skype, Twitter, Email and i was able to read both his new and deleted messages without touching it. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Australia and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking. Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) or Via Whats-app +1 (724) 330-3252 and you can also text/call him +1 (601) 287-5528. Thank me, later…

  24. All we can do is get in touch with that voice inside of us, " "You matter, and don't deserve any emotional, financial, or physical abuse from anyone " !! Stay strong and move on. PEACE….

  25. Thanks again for the excellent presentation. I learn something new from ever one of your you tube videos. I love You comment "I don't deserve to be treated badly.". We all deserve to be treated basic Human kindness. The narcissistic people I've lived with never figured that out.

  26. I’ve been following Dr. Ramani for a while now. This is the best short vid that explains narcissism and insecurities. I’ll be watching this one more than once to help the info sink in. Thank you doctor for your truly invaluable help in navigating and managing narcissistic relationships.

  27. Amen 🙏 u are so right, narcissist think they are all that and some, but they are not. The narcissist that I had in my life always talked about how good he looked and he was raise by bother of his parents, and how good he was at his job driving trucks, really made me sick 😷 to my stomach, and his looks wasn’t all that at all..

  28. I got let go from my job a month ago due to my narcissistic coworker. Sometimes, she would "admit" weakness, but somehow it was always done in a way to draw attention to herself, especially if listeners said, "Oh no, you're not bad at that!" Fishing for compliments, if you will. Also, she'd sometimes use her "admissions" as a way to segue into a humblebrag. She was the most falsely humble, deceptive people I have ever met in my entire life.

  29. So how does one break the chain of being caught into the cycle of narcissistic abuse? If a child has only had their developmental years in narcissism and has never learned appropriate mirroring so they may be comfortable with themselves. How does one eventually break this ongoing cycle in relationships? It seems as though it is a destiny of there being this ongoing vicious cycle of being drawn to people who will continually keep this perpetuate cycle as a part of ones life? I find my life to be in this struggle. I end up doubting my own abilities to really read people and their intentions. I grew up in a home of narcissist abuse. I ended up in a bad marriage with narcissist abuse. And now I doubt myself, that regardless, I might always be stuck struggling in narcissist abuse in other relationships, rather than actually ever finding a true loving compassionate companion or good genuine friendships, since this is all I’ve known? How does one break this chain? I cannot completely fault only the narcissists, since it also involves my own inabilities that I never learned how to have healthy relationships. 🤷🏼‍♀️

  30. I'm sold I want to join your cute cult. If you want my money you have to take it from my palm look me in my Sapphire blue eyes then promise me I can have my mind back next year deal? Where do I sign up_____________.?

  31. Dr R: I’d love to hear your take on how siblings in same environment end up on opposite sides of the spectrum. I’m the empath, one sis is co-dependent, one is a text book narcissist. Same parents, environment, etc. Baffling. Thank you!

  32. Thank you, is not a big enough word for you Dr. Ramini . Your compassion comes straight through in ways I’ve never heard .

  33. You keep talking about symptoms
    🕵️‍♀️ you will never get it + you can't read a recipe to bake a pie?
    You have to make money in this world
    If you don't understand the dominant hierarchical socioeconomics order
    I don't know wtf to tell you laidy
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDFtHly3uoA
    The invisible hand of the myopic 👌🤑 God gave me all the 401k's

  34. I think this is my FAVORITE video from you, Doc Ramani! So good! Pinned it to my Narc Abuse/Recovery Resources board! Every single person who grew up in (like myself) or is trapped in a current relationship like this needs to see this many times. If I had seen your work in my 20’s then I would not be 51 and just walking away. I don’t care who they are…parent, sibling, friend, employer, or religious leader. No one deserves to be mentally abused by the narcissist. You don’t get a free pass because something happened to you. I grew up with an alcoholic father that died when I was 17. Just came to the hard realization a few months ago how insidious my mom’s and brother’s behaviors are and how they have destroyed my body, mind and spirit by me giving them a free pass to abuse me because they’re “family”, and I must tow the line and keep all the family secrets because that’s just what we’ve always been required to do by our mom. Nope. No more. I am going to speak my truth and live my truth for the rest of my time here this side of eternity. I am going to get help in sorting out this nightmare that started for me in the womb and continued until my body said “no more” almost three months ago. You’ve been a major part of that awakening and empowering transition for me, Doc. I don’t even know how to ever be able to thank you enough. So I am doing all I can to pay it forward and praying every day that others will see what I have learned recently at a much earlier age and save their sanity, body, and time wasted on those life sucking relationships. Happy Belated Birthday! 🎂🎈🥳 😘

  35. Everyone noticed my ex-narc's insecurities… he would tell or text me in rage, "I AM NOT INSECURE!!!!!!!!!" … when he was using multiple exclamation marks, it simply meant narcissistic rage and that he was exposed. LOL

  36. I'm from a narcissistic family – and it just dawned on me. But it gives me the advantage now that I can spot who the other narcissists are that come into my life, and I always create a distance to them. And now I have become more secure about who I am and what I want – and I wont let the narcissist play with me. I block my sister when she calls, writes and call my dad to tell she wants to talk. I let her know that I love her, but I don't want her to play that game – and I will block her everytime she starts her webbing. Luckily I was a teacher for 12 years and have learned to keep up my guard and not let ppl tread on me. I love myself and my solitude so I don't need co-dependency – I did before, but not anymore.

  37. Great, great, great! You nailed it in just one video to the point of lifechanging experience. I will chew on this video the whole week until it becomes part of me. Great figurative speech using fish example. Thank, you, thank you, thank you. And, hapoy birthay, Dr. Ramani. Lots of good health, most of all, the other will come.

  38. So true! Narcissists will turn on you the second their insecurities are revealed and/or they feel “threatened” in some way. Sadly, we learn to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off… and in doing so, we avoid our own sense of self, which only widens our insecurities. Sweeping up those eggshells as we speak! 😉

  39. This has to be the most twisted, evil, and devastating traits of narcissits. It's even painful to hear Dr. Ramani explain it. Shes saving us from potentially A LOT of pain by sharing this info with us

  40. My mother is a TRUE narcissist. Not the slang term “narcissist” to exchange for ego based or selfish but a real one. When you’re involved with a REAL narcissist, life is completely confusing. It’s taken me years to identify. I’m 42. Only now am I setting boundaries. I’m I’ll communicate with her only though email now and even that is generous on my part. I longed for a nurturing relationship with her. I finally want to live in the truth of what things actually are.

  41. I wish I fully understood this when I was younger. I am crystal clear now of the narcs trying to disrupt my relationship with my mom. The entire family isolated her and called her “crazy”. I’m sure she just has borderline like myself. We have a better relationship now. I’ve also begun no contact with the manipulators. It’s not worth keeping them in my life.

  42. ur so awesome. thx u. feels like school as a kid sometimes and ur teaching us. big fish little fish. cute:) i need to swim away from many narcs(sharks!) in my life

  43. I believe that not only do narcissists prey on insecurities, but (especially in the case of narcissistic parents) create those insecurities. I have learned to not give the definition of who I am over to any individual, and especially not someone who is mentally not well. I have a "Higher Power" that defines me. I am ok with my failings and "shortcomings" and do not live in a state of constant shame over who I am or my failures. Once I figured this out, It freed me to fully accept other people for who they are and to blossom into a much fuller potential of my own self. I agree with so many of your other commenters and your remarks that I do not need to be around or subject myself to the narcissist's constant abuse….I am strong but not that impervious.

  44. Does the rule there are three sides to every story still apply to narcissistic family members, etc.?
    What do you guys think?

  45. Hi Dr. Ramani, I am 50 years old and have nasollibral folds and feel insecure and depressed about them and don't know what to do about them. I am self conscious that I look well past my age.

  46. My childhood friend often tells me that I am a loner and have no friends but it’s not true and I have wondered over the years as to why she says these things. I am now learning all about Narcissistic Personalities and this video explains so much. She’s so poisonous that she doesn’t recognize that every bad thing that has happened to her happened directly because of her actions. I will move on now, thank you for the knowledge Dr.Ramani. My eyes have been opened.

  47. The way you ended that video brought tears to my eyes. That's exactly how I ended my relationship with my ex. I completely understood where he was coming from, how his developmental trauma had him develop this false sense of self and inflated ego, that some of our fights would simply trigger reactions in him that were beyond cognitive control and led him into using emotionally abusive tactics against me. But in the end that wasn't for me to try and explain to him, although I did try. I knew he needed therapy, and a lot of it. He knew it too, but he wouldn't make the move. I think deep down he was afraid of having to face his insecurities and his trauma. So I had no other choice but to leave. I still love him and I still have so much compassion for him and I hope he's eventually able to do his work and make changes that will allow him to have meaningful and deep relationships in his life. But I can only keep him at a distance and focus on my own life and my own well-being and my own trauma work.

  48. Thank you Dr Ramani, that analogy gives great clarity. Really appreciate all you sharing your time and professional insight S C 😊

  49. This video is pure gold because it's so very accurate.

    I'm so happy that the people who are going through narcissistic abuse today, or who are still trying to recover from narcissitic abuse in their past, have these videos to validate their experiences. Most people will never understand (and most of us would never want someone esle to understand from first-hand experience either).

    I've never had a narcissist tell me they were trying to find my insecurity, but I did have one…a particularly malignant one…tell me "I could never find any weakness in you." He actually said it with a slightly stunned tone of reverence in his voice, as though that made me extra special in his (twisted) perception (or maybe he was just intrigued as to why I was different from his other targets?). Who knows and, more importantly, who cares?

    Sending a huge, warm hug and understanding to anyone who is currently under the thumb of a narcissist, or has already made their escape and is trying to heal. No matter what, just keep going. Even if or when you feel like giving up, please just keep breathing and know that a day will eventually come when you will look back on what happened, and you will be so very much wiser and more whole and balanced of a person than you were before that experience.

    You CAN recover. You CAN find your way back to YOU, even when you feel certain that you never will. It is likely going to take some considerable time, and maybe more time than you ever imagined, but you CAN get there, even if you are totally on your own with no one to help you along the way.

    Best wishes to you all, and a HUGE thank you to Dr. Ramani for fighting the good fight; your videos will help so so very many people out there, and many of them far, far from the greater LA basin.

  50. Ppl think that narcs only talk about themselves and never listen to the other person, they do talk about themselves but they absolutely listen to you and take what you say in like she said as ammunition to throw in your face later. Anything that you tell them in confidence, thinking you can be open and share your vulnerability they take in and store to exploit later. When it comes up again it feels like a cheap shot or playing dirty in the argument and throws you off because you don’t expect someone who appeared to care to treat you so cruelly. If your in a low place it can be very hard to not believe what that person is saying about you. I have managed to get out of the narcissistic situations I was in and I have done the work and the research so that I can see the signs sooner or more importantly not give second chances for bad behavior thinking as an empathetic person might that it can get better. What you see in ppl on the front end is what you get!

  51. You’re amazing, Dr. Ramani. I’ve learned so much from you. You explain concepts so clearly and compassionately.
    Thanks for making these videos. Oh, and happy birthday! 😊

  52. 💡💡💡 My daughter-in-law is very insecure from her fathers abuse, in addition, to her mother not protecting her!! I don’t deserve her hurtful, manipulative and controlling behavior!! She thinks it’s funny to hurt people!

  53. Your content is extremely valuable, but I wanted to take a moment to say this: You have amazing, super-hero hair.

  54. But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
    They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
    You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance, persecutions, sufferings—what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium and Lystra, the persecutions I endured. Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them. In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evildoers and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

  55. My family needs you desperately Dr Ramini…is it possible for a narcicist to cause a person to develop certain mental illnesses? To cause your teen daughter to "fall in love" with them and persuade her to attempt to take the life of a loved one (the target)? We are in dire straits..all in need of help..please reach out to me at my email [email protected] because no providers in the area that I can find seem to understand Narcicisstic abuse..maybe you can help us find someone or even help us yourself..it is inevitably a matter of life and death as we all are intermittently suicidal and my one daughter still struggles with feeling homicidal towards me…please help!

  56. Thank you Doctor Ramani. Yes, you’re quite right about moving away. I was the daughter of a narcissistic Mother, and then in an early marriage to a deeply insecure man (still am after 40years) who couldn’t cope with me succeeding independently from him. Whilst I understand this, and felt deeply compassionate about his background (abusive Father, over-indulgent Mother and boarding school from the age of 7) I eventually left for good three years ago, having previously left, stabilised myself and then let him back in again. What I have found hardest to deal with though, is the residual anger and resentment over the way in which he treated me and effectively robbed me of ‘rightful joy’ and my youthful years. It can be both consuming and destructive and impacts on how I live my life and my relationships. My relationships with my adult children have also been impacted by this. On one level I feel very sorry for him, as there is a huge hole in the middle of him, but I also feel sad for myself as well. Trying to work with it by using meditation and self-compassion is helpful, but there is still enormous sadness there.

  57. Emotional Safety, that is completely missing from these relationships with narc husband. Over time, physical safety is lost as well. It is no way to live. Divorced now.
    He is thriving in New relationship. Probably love bombing stage. She has alot to offer him financially as I did when we met.

  58. One thing is a narcissist's insecurity and conscious unawareness of it. Another thing is their agressive behavior – overt or covert. From what I have learned they actually do know right from wrong but they choose to do wrong – they choose to lie, manipulate, yell, exploit, etc. They dont have the internal boundries. They want to win and often use any means to get, what they want and do not play fair. OK, when they suffer a narcissistic injury (eg, when someone gives them constructive negative feedback) their agressive attack in response may not be planned out in advance (maybe, sometimes), but most of their other behavior is about their choices.

  59. Video about insecure people being preyed upon, ad is for "weightloss cure". Sometimes the randomness and chaos of life has a sense of humour.

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