He’s gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He’d rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear He’d rather eat the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard. He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd. He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd. He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd! I have a lot of NES games. Look at all these fucking games. So many choices…which one should I play? Well here’s a question: which one’s different from the rest, huh? Which one juts out like a fucking piece of shit? This one. And look, what’s that? Why, it’s another game hiding behind it. It sure is a unique specimen. If it had only been for this, I’d say it’s pretty strange, But the way it protrudes out, too, definitely makes it the most oddly shaped of the whole collection. Being that this is one of those unlicensed hack-fucks, it won’t play in a Classic Nintendo, unless you stick another game on it. So THAT’S what it’s for. But all the other unlicensed games didn’t have to do that, so why this one? It’s just like Super Noah’s Ark 3D, the only Super Nintendo game where you had to do that. If you play it on the Top Loader, then it works just like a regular game. I does look lonely and stupid, so I guess you could stack shit on top if you want. You know what? I noticed something really weird. These are the only two games I know of that have that weird thing where you gotta stick the game on the top, but they also both involve animals, slingshots, and fruit. I wonder if there’s a connection… Probably not. Anyway, what do you expect of a game based off of Little Red Riding Hood? You’re familiar with the story, right? It goes something like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air, and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird’s ballsack would appear. What, that’s not the story? Oh, well, excuse me, ’cause this isn’t Little Red RIDING Hood, This is Little RED Hood, yeah! Not to be confused. I don’t know, really, the real reason why it’s called Little Red Hood, instead of Little Red Riding Hood…is… …because I have no fucking idea. So this is the game. You just look at it, and it sucks. It doesn’t come as a surprise. It’s not like there’s any expectations to meet. It’s not Spiderman, or Batman, or something cool, it’s a fucking fairy tale, so it doesn’t even need to TRY to be bad. Well, just hold that thought, because pretty soon, you’re gonna see how it goes way beyond your wildest nightmares. The first thing you try to figure out is how to attack. The B button makes her kick, but it doesn’t do a damn thing. It’s like the stick in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Why do they give you an attack that doesn’t do shit? On the cover of the fucking game it shows her kicking an enemy! Why can’t you do it in the game? Why do they have to fucking lie?!? The only thing the kick can be used for is kicking palm trees, to make cherries appear, but please, God, tell me one thing: Why are there CHERRIES coming out of a fucking PALM TREE? So that’s it for the kick, so let’s try the A button, which makes you jump. Can you use this as an attack? Nope. Well, that pretty much cancels it all out, but there’s guys running all over the place, trying to kill you. There’s gotta be some way to attack, right? Well, sometimes when you pick up a rock, you might uncover a white dog, and if you’re lucky, the dog will eat the bad guys. So that’s basically your attack. Mario jumps on people, Link uses a sword, Little Red Hood uses a dog that she finds under a rock. I can’t believe I’m explaining this. It’s not even like you control the dog, it just wanders around, so you just have to hope that the dog and the bad guys accidentally walk into one another. Let’s check out the store. The store always sells the same three items, even when there’s two stores right next to each other. What’s the point of that? It’s like fuckin’ Starbucks at every street corner! The first item is a potion that makes you invincible. It only works for a few seconds, so it’s not worth the investment. The second item is a heart that regains your health. But tell me, why is your health indicated by those traditional, fake, Valentine-looking hearts, when the heart you buy in the store is like a real human heart? Not to mention, you can find candy, which gives you some health back, too, not as much as the heart you buy in the store, but why would you pay for it when you can basically find the same thing for free? The third item is a slingshot. Now that’s more what we’re talking about. Now, you’d expect her to use the slingshot to shoot rocks or something, right? But no! She throws the fucking thing! Yeah, check this out! Look, I’m gonna hit you with this slingshot! I suppose if the game programmers put a gun in the game, you’d be throwing that as well! Does that make any sense? No. It doesn’t matter, anyway, because after you’ve thrown only a few slingshots, it’s gone. One thousand gold pieces down the shitter. Even when you do kill anybody, they come back right away. Respawning enemies are common in games, but here, they don’t even give you a second! The instant they die, they come back, almost as if nothing happened. So there’s no purpose trying to kill anybody. All you can do is run, run, run, like a little red pussy. Once you’ve gotten over that fact, you start wondering, “What’s the goal? How do you get to the next level?” Well, THIS is where the real havoc begins. To begin with, the stage is small enough to span two TV screens. Occasionally a staircase will appear. You go down the staircase, and you find a room. Here you can get some gold and some candy, but other than that, it’s a dead end. The staircase continues to appear, but in no such way that you can predict. I’m not sure if it goes off on a timer, or whatever, but basically, this staircase appears whenever it wants. It’s never in the same place, but it always leads to the same room. You try kicking trees, but all you get are cherries, which don’t seem to do anything. You try kicking rocks, and all you get are enemies, or other items. No exit, and no clue whatsoever. Sometimes you get a balloon, but that only takes you to a bonus stage. One piece of gold always flashes, but I don’t understand why, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a glitch of some kind. You try all the boundaries, thinking that somewhere there’s a spot where you can walk into the next part of the game, but it doesn’t happen. All the trees, even that one little spot that looks like a fence, and even the areas that seem wide open are all just the same: A fucking barricade that might as well be a brick wall. Like, what a mystery, right? Well, this is when anybody would just shut off the game! But do you really wanna know how to play it? One more of these and I’ll tell you. You need to get a key. Now, where could this key be hidden? Why, of course! It appears randomly inside one of the staircases, which also appear randomly. If you’ve been in that room once already, you just assume there’s nothing there! So, now that you have the key, what do you do with it? You’re thinking, there’s gotta be a locked door, or something like that, right? But no. You’re supposed to wait for another staircase to appear, and that’s the exit. That doesn’t make any sense! How would a key unlock an open staircase that doesn’t even have a door in front of it? At least if they put a keyhole on it, it would be more logical, but it would also let you know that you’re supposed to use the key there. Oh, and I didn’t even tell you how you make this staircase appear. That’s where the cherries come in. You just go around, kicking random trees, getting cherries, and when you’ve gotten enough of them, I think twelve, the stairway appears. How would anybody guess that’s what the cherries are for? There isn’t even a counter to keep track of how many cherries you’ve collected. Come to think of it, there’s nothing telling you how many lives you have, either. You get no information. I’ve tried hitting start, select, there’s no status screen, and unless you have an instruction manual, you’ll never figure this out. But now we know, so let’s continue with the game, but first, let’s recap and make sure we got this straight, okay? Alright… You wait for randomly flashing staircases to appear, in which you try to find a randomly appearing key, which randomly appears within the randomly appearing staircases, and then try to collect a random number of cherries, that randomly appear as you kick palm trees, to reveal another staircase that DOESN’T flash, or more or less appears to be flashing, but in a frozen state. You go in there, and then you’re off to the next level. You got that? Well good, ’cause now, all you gotta do is do that nine more times, and congratulations, you’ve learned the secret of playing Little Red Hood. The only thing you might be wondering now, is “what on earth does this have to do with the story of Little Red Riding Hood?” Well, I’ll tell you. Absolutely fuckin’ nothing. So now that you know how to play, you just gotta go through the same routine over and over. Because of the random nature of this game, each stage could take anywhere from five minutes, to a half hour. It all depends when the stairways appear, when the key appears, and so on. It starts to wear on your mind very quickly. Every level looks alike. The colors are changed, the trees and the fruit are different, but overall, the design is basically the same thing. But it goes beyond just being bland, they somehow managed to choose the most repulsive color schemes and patterns. Don’t you wish there could have been a more appealing texture and hue, rather than this diarrhea-ish brown? Look at the bear! Did they purposely try to make it match the background? They really couldn’t help but use the same putrid color twice? The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass! Even something as simple as walking can’t go without glitchy side-effects! Like Metal Gear, you can’t pass through narrow spots. I mean, if you can’t walk through, why make it look like you can? Oh, never mind. I guess if you fidget around enough, it works. You can’t jump when you’re below a tree, as if your head is somehow hitting the trunk. Technically, this would mean the character is not jumping straight up into the air, but rather sideways, as if Little Red Hood exists in a two dimensional space, while jumping sideways into a three dimensional tree! If you’re walking above the trees, you can’t walk behind the leaves. It’s as if this vague space the tree occupies is a blockade. The items always appear at random, even in areas where you can’t get to them, like inside a tree. Sometimes, TWO items can appear in the same place! And sometimes, an item can just randomly dissappear. Everything about this game is a broken down mess! It’s just so random… You know, how many times have I used the word “random” and “appear”? But that’s exactly what’s happening! Stuff appears, or doesn’t appear, or randomly does something else, I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they’re testing the effects of negative reinforcement! “Let’s see what happens if we take the key away.” It’s twenty years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I’ll tell you the effect! It’s fucking pissing me off!!! Nothing is consistent about this twisted piece of shit-covered anal fuck! In this stage, the key is out in the open, guarded by a panda, I guess. Are any of the animals in this game supposed to be the Big Bad Wolf? Anyway, the panda is the only enemy that kills you with one hit. Doesn’t matter if you have full health, you touch the panda, and you’re dead! The only way you can get past it is if you get hit by something else and then pass through. Thank God for that after hit invincibility! Then there’s this spot where you have to jump on turtles to get across a waterfall, and this is not the kind of game that has good jumping control. Fuck! Oh, FUCK! UNNNNNGH!!! FUCK!!! Level 5 is a sea level. All you have to do is get two pearls. I guess they decided to change it up a bit. It’s the easiest level in existence, and has no purpose. Too bad there weren’t any other levels like this so we could breeze through this fuckwad! But the most fucked up level of all is level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn’t appear until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots!! HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!? You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curveball and change the fuckin’ rules! Imagine if in Super Mario Bros, if one level, you can’t jump on the flagpole at the end. Unless first you collect exactly 29 coins, stomp 3 Goombas, and get a fire flower! You wanna know how I feel now? I’m fuckin’ ENRAGED! You don’t just change the rules like that! This is SHIT SAUCE! This is DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE standards!! And I’m still playing it. I don’t even know why. I guess I can’t resist being able to say I beat Little Red Hood. And you know what? I don’t expect a good ending, either. Why work hard on creating an elaborate ending when you’ve made the game so hard to figure out that there’s not a chance in hell anyone would get that far? In fact, I expect a SHITTY ending! A fucking LOATHSOME, ASS-SUCKING, SHITHEAP of an ending! “Oh! My dear Little Red Hood! Thank you for your coming!” You did not disappoint.