[“Hail to the Chief” playing]– Good evening,
my fellow Americans. You remember my anger
translator, Luther. – Why, hello. – Now, I’ve told Luther
that he can join me for this last address,
but that his being on his very best behavior
is crucial to healing the divide
in this country. – Keep it chill, Luther. Go against
every natural instinct in your body.
[inhales deeply] – Since we last spoke, the country has voted
for a new president. – Trump! – Here we go. – Oh, man. Come on.
Come on. Really? Talk about the Trump! How did this happen, man? Get the fuck… Y’all gonna vote for the dude
that’s gonna make America hate again? Don’t you understand? This is how
“The Hunger Games” starts! – Now, uh, it’s true. We all have to accept–
– Damn! – That…gonna have someone else
calling the shots. – Vladimir Putin, y’all! We got a naked Russki
on horseback gon’ be runnin’ the show.Spasibo,Russian motherfuckers. – It was a close election, but
the people have spoken. – Yeah, they voted for
Hillary Clinton, but then this outdated Electoral
College mumbo jumbo voodoo bullshit–I can’t even
make sense of this–really? – Now, it’s more imperative
than ever…– Come on!
– That we move on as a country united.
– United in the fact that we can’t fucking
stand each other. – Even as the country
adopts new policies, uh, on trade, immigration… – New policy:
the only good immigrant is a smokin’ hot white one. – Who plagiarizes speeches.
– Ooh. I said, “Bitch…” – Now, I have greatly enjoyed my time as your president. – Except when, um,
you know, um, let me think about,
let me think– when the Republicans wouldn’t
let me do shit, and then that one dude said
I wasn’t born here, and then y’all elected him,
so you know what? Didn’t love that part so much. So pretty much the beginning, middle, and the end sucked!
It sucked, man. – I have met with
President-elect Trump and have pledged my support
in his transition. – He doesn’t even want
the job, y’all. I saw it in his eyes.
The dude was shook. The only reason he ran
is because his factory in China made too many red hats. It’s the only… reason! – I assure you that if he succeeds,
we all succeed. – Unless he succeeds with
all the shit he promised to succeed with. In that case, we’re fucked! – And now,
a time-cherished tradition is that the outgoing president–
– Don’t say “Outgoing!” Don’t say “Outgoing!”
♪ La, la, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
Mama say, ma makossa ♪ – That’s me–
– Damn it. – Leaves the incoming president a little note in the desk
of the Oval Office. Of course, it’s completely
confidential– – “Go fuck yourself.”
– Until now. – Oh. That’s my bad. – To all of you out there who are afraid that your
way of life is under attack, remember that progress isn’t
always a straight line. – No, ’cause sometimes it’s
a line that goes like this. It goes: [gibberish] and then just goes
straight down for four fucking years! – Stay strong
and never stop standing up for what you believe in. – Uh, yes, I would like to book
a four-year stay for five at the Icehotel
in Sweden, please. – Sorry, five? – For Bo.
I mean, y’all are gonna take Bo. [chuckles]
[whispers] Make it six. – In summation: thanks, America. It’s been real.
It’s been good. But it ain’t been real good. – Apparently, orange is
the new black. Good luck with your health care,
assholes. I’m out.
– Peace.♪ ♪[music slowing]– I got my eye on you,