If Mad Money Was For Hollywood: The Apes Take On Spider-Man Homecoming

– [Announcer] Ga-dsh. (rock music)
– Hey, my fuckin’ name’s Zack and this is the Batshit
Buzz-Cracker, where I crack the case of Hollywood buzz,
and clue you in on which celebs are acting their way to the
A list, or bouncing off the career diving board! I’ve also been declared
legally batshit nutso by the American Medical Association, but so? Okay, let’s ride this train!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Bing bong. Wooh! It’s fuckin’ July, beach buds,
and that means blockbuster season is in her final death throws! Bustin’ blocks last weekend
was Spiderman Six: Teen boy! I haven’t seen the movie
yet, and unless I get over my intense fear of dark rooms,
I probably never will, but paring a boy in tights
with a man in metal? That’s gonna kick the
dollar signs right between the bars every time! Cha chow!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Cha-chow! And ooh boy, is this cast in cleanup mode! I’m talking about the movie
stars who are shooting right up into STARmeter space! We all know Robbie D.J.’s
got the golden goatee, but the real story is Tom
Holland, shooting up 14 to number two on the IMDbSm! Is he gonna knock Gal Gadot off of her wonderful woman place? I’m pretty sure he will, though
his co-pretender Zendaya is gonna give him a run for his money! A newcomer with one name? I’m intrigued, I’m creepy! I’m calling this a definite
Star Swipe situation! (buzzer) – [Announcer] Star Swipe. – Zendaya’s pure Omhaftal status! One more hit away from the
A list, but what’s breathing down our mouths is the last BO
battle of the summer screens! It’s web slingers versus turd flingers! War of Monkeys is out today,
and it’s looking to tear the cup right off of
Parker’s peter and drink in the glory of being number one! But you know what? Boom, I’m making the call!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Called it! – That could be my spider
sense, it could be my phantom itch, but I think the
sticky team’s web is gonna snare the most moolah! Sure, we’ll all be singing
the praises of Andy Serkis, mister green suit, himself,
for helping us all tolerate CGI, but the real oncoming buzzsaw is on the small screen, baby! (chanting Game of Thrones theme) It’s GoT time! It’s Hollywood heresy! It’s against L.A. law! It’s Tinseltown treason to be missing the weekly Thrones game! And all 95 of the show’s
main cast are about to clean up on aisle Hot Topic,
cause they’re gonna be water cooler winners from
now until our flick Autumn! Look for a lot more GoTers
and a lot more movies, and that’s a safe bet!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Safe bet. (alarm)
– Oh, looks like we got a Batshit Buzz Cracking
controversy on our hands! (alarm powering down) Sometimes even I can’t predict
what bee’s but the buts will bumble from, and that’s
the case of the STARmeter shaking engagement of Patton
Oswalt to Meredith Salenger, who shot up 4,317 spots
to kiss the back of nine at number 10, but troll
polls say that the widow Oswalt should have waited a little
longer before P’ing the Q, but to those trolls, I say!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Die alone. – Cause that’s what I’m
gonna do, and I need the lonely company! Congrats to Meredith on
the ring and the buzz! If Patton’s ready to be happy
again, then I’m ready to be buzzing again, so give
me the lightning round! (thunder) – [Announcer] Lightning round. – Lightning round, summer style! You give me the former
summer star and I’ll tell you cast or cut! (buzzer)
Brad from Beverly Hills, you’re on! – [Brad] Hey, Zack, big fan of the show. – Is that Pitt?
– (laughs) Guilty as charged. Listen, I’m thinking about
casting my ex, Angelina Jolie, in a movie I’m making. I’m talking STARmeter
points up the wazoo, here. Oscar guaranteed. – Uh, Brad, I know the
numbers look, but you’ve gotta learn to separate work
and love with fine-toothed gloves, or else that whole sink’ll ship! Keep that play miles away! That’s a cut!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Cut! (Buzzer)
Next, Harvey, from L.A., you’re on! – [Harvey] Hey Zack, I’m thinking about casting Tobey Maguire. – What’s the role, Harvey? – [Harvey] He’d play a talking carrot. – CGI? – [Harvey] No, he’ll have
to put on a carrot suit. – He made a red suit work and
he can do the same for orange! Plus, the Seabiscuit shortie
is due for a comeback! I say cast!
(buzzer) – [Announcer] Cast! Next caller! (buzzer)
Pamela from Milwaukee, you’re up! – [Pammy] Hey Zack, I’m
thinking about reaching out to Will Smith for some sofa commercials. – What’s your budg? – [Pammy] 12 thousand dollars. (thud)
– Misguided! (buzzer) – [Announcer] Misguided. – You don’t have the scratch
for Smith, my friend! I’m sorry, but you gotta
reach out to somebody who’s more like a Paul Reiser, a Paul Dano, or a Paula Poundstone! – [Announcer] Show over, show over. – That’s it for this week, baby! Join me next time, when I’ll
tell you who in this town can play a doctor, and trust
me, it aint Keanu Reeves! Ahhhh! Ah… Oh.
(thud) (swooshes)

13 thoughts on “If Mad Money Was For Hollywood: The Apes Take On Spider-Man Homecoming

  1. i though this was really funny but im drunk i maa watch it in the morning sober to see if it is really funny or not

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