How To Stop Yelling
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HI everyone my name is LP and you are watching
another episode of our weekly q and a where i show you how to create teachable moments
with your kids today’s question comes from Alex who writes:
Dear Lori, I am desperate to stop yelling at my kids I don’t even know how it got this
bad but i feel like i yell all day long and really its the only thing that works. I wake up every day promising myself I wont
yell because I know it’s causing my kids to scream when they want something but I don’t
know what to do. This is harder than I thought it was going to be.
How can i stop the cycle of yelling? Alex.
Alex – congratulations on even knowing that it is a challenge for you and wanting to change.
So many people don’t even realize the impact that their own reactions are having on their
kids behavior – so you should be proud of yourself for taking that step.
Now, I know how you feel because I come from a long line of yellers. I have more than a
few members of my family who speak at a tone just a few decibels above ear-splitting and
the y ounger me was an honorary member of that club for a few years.
So for me – yelling was also a challenge – so I want to give you a couple of tips to STOP
the madness. 1. First think you want to do is track it.
Start tracking WHEN you yell. Each time you find yourself triggered in the
moment – you want to notice it -and then jot it down.
Keep a notebook close by and write down the most important details about the event.
If you have time to investigate in the moment- great if not – write down as much as you need
to remember the significance of the event so you can do some root cause investigation
with yourself later. Who was present.
What happened? How did I feel?
What feelings were present for you. How did the experience affect you?
What did you need— to be heard, understood, respected, feel acknowledged.
Knowing WHY you get triggered into yelling is the first step to the investigation.
Yelling is a sign that we’re overwhelmed and needing to self-regulate before we can open
up our perspective to see a new way out of our situation.
Often we avoid looking at our own motivations because when we lead with the left-brain ruled
centered focus – we want to control and that usually means directing the external instead
of investigating the internal. So get to the root cause.
3. Take that tracking sheet and start to notice what sets you off and when?
Is there a pattern to your triggers? Is it a certain time of the day?
Is it the pressure to get the day going or the exhaustion at the end of the day?
Is there a memory this is linked to? Did you get yelled at a lot or feel like you
weren’t able to safely express yourself when you were young.
So when your kids don’t listen you’re triggered into an emotional memory.
Or maybe your body is craving the gas it needs to GO!
Blood sugar or nutritional imbalances can easily affect your tolerance to stress and
your ability to cope. I had a client track her child’s triggers
and she returned to class to say that they now meet conflict with a hard-boiled egg!
She never would have known had she not investigated that her child’s cycle of negative behaviors
were linked to a lack of protein. —insert egg campaign —-
Now – once you have an awareness of your yelling and you habits and patterns – the next step
is to give yourself the time to fall down and the SPACE to breathe.
It’s not easy – you’re gonna yell – you’re gonna be overwhelmed and sometimes over-extend
yourself. So be kind to yourself when you fall off the
yeller wagon. You won’t do better if you punish yourself for messing up.
At the same time – take some personal responsibility. When you feel yourself getting triggered – NOW
is the timeto 4. stop and BREATHE. Just breathe – don’t talk. As long as no one
is in danger – I want you to be
a yogi master. —insert yogi bear —
If you breathe through your first reaction to conflict – you will be less likely to lose
control of your impulse which might be to scream.
It’s likely that your kids – or even other people will give you lots of daily opportunities
to practice yelling or being offended But if you’re willing to take some time to
be conscious of your actions – you’ll be able to create a new pattern and head in the direction
you want… So my last step is 5. Know where you want
to go? WHAT do you want? If you’re not going to yell anymore – have a plan.
When you feel like yelling – don’t just try and talk yourself out of it. Engage your senses
– breathe and use sensory tools until your thinking brain comes back online and then
decide how YOU WANT to feel and take actions steps to move towards that feeling – meeting
your own needs on your own terms instead of demanding that others change so you can feel
better. Yelling comes from powerfully intense feelings
– perhaps connected to a need to be recognized, valued, heard, considered… so to feel in
control of those powerful emotions requires an honest look at WHY we yell, how we would
like to express ourselves and what we really want to experience – regardless of how we
want other people to act on our behalf. When we can honestly express what we would
like – without making others responsible for our emotions – they are more inclined to willingly
contribute to our needs because we have shared without making it a threat to their own sense
of purpose or dignity. Alex, that was my TM for you. I hope that
you feel encouraged to investigate the root of your holler and take control of the situation
without feeling like you’re losing control. And I’d love to know how it goes, so keep
me posted on your progress – with an email or by leaving me a comment at teach-through-love.com.
Which is where you should go if you want more tips and tools like this to help you a create
healthy, influential relationship with your child.
And – if you liked this video – Please share it on your favorite social media platform
And I would also love to hear from you so share your thoughts and stories in the comments
because You never know when your experience is going to inspire someone else towards the
change they were looking for. Thank you so much for watching and for sharing.
until next time, please remember it’s about consciousness not perfection!

41 thoughts on “How To Stop Yelling

  1. My mother was a non-stop yeller & so I apparently turned this wife into a constant yeller but after I got Baker Acted I read the book The Power of Concentration ..free at Librivox.org and I stopped smiling at the spouse.
    Then wife stopped yelling.
    See my channel to learn more:
    Daniel Caron youtube.
    You must be poised, my friend. You must conquer yourself in order to lead others into a better mood.

  2. My personality was playful like a child & that really irritated this spouse that is the Osseous personality/rigid & inflexible.
    She actually told a marriage counselor that I didn't obey her.
    Now I just play with my son who loves me because I listen to him.
    I suspect that yellers don't listen or care about ither person's feelings.
    I have the jolly- fat man personality plus cerebral/thinking & planning..
    Even now this ex-yelling spouse is not going to watch this video.. She doesn't sit still at all..She is all action & almost late for everything.
    (I did turn in my driver's license because she used to say that I drove too much to the left & she wouldn't let me use her car to go to church because I don't put gas in the car since I don't have a job for 7 years .. But that was because she would bully me & take the tax refund every year.
    This is called being passive aggressive, but I am the kinder parent. I roll on the floor with the kids. This spouse got so angry that she gave herself arthritis & sometimes can't take off her braw by herself. She is always moving because it actually hurts her when she sits still she says.
    Beware of anger.. It dries the bones. I can warn you but this spouse doesn't listen to my advice to practice Tai Chi with me.

  3. Omg I've really needed you in my life…thank you…you are an angel for teaching parents how to become emotionally stable for children. I have so much work to do…I'm so glad I found your videos. I am a stay at home mom that never gets a break from my kids and I don't do anything for myself. So I've become angry, bitter, and horribly depressed. But there is a light at the end for me…my baby is going to preschool in the fall so I will have time to fix myself and become a better mother. Your videos are so amazing.

  4. Lori, I am a child of a Yeller, who has struggled as a parent to stop the cycle of yelling. I've gotten better over the years, but I am grateful for your extra tips. Thanks!
    loving your videos and I'm looking forward to watching your webinars. Your straight and to the point teaching is exactly what I've been looking for. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Lori, I am a child of a Yeller, who has struggled as a parent to stop the cycle of yelling. I've gotten better over the years, but I am grateful for your extra tips. Thanks!
    loving your videos and I'm looking forward to watching your webinars. Your straight and to the point teaching is exactly what I've been looking for. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Lori, I am a child of a Yeller, who has struggled as a parent to stop the cycle of yelling. I've gotten better over the years, but I am grateful for your extra tips. Thanks!
    loving your videos and I'm looking forward to watching your webinars. Your straight and to the point teaching is exactly what I've been looking for. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Our kids (age 6, 5, 2) have to go to bed by 8 – 8:30 and wake up very early everyday except for Saturday and Sunday due to our jobs so getting up ealier to give everyone more time to breath etc. The oldest has melt downs if her pants do not fit just right ( even if she picks out the right ones the night before). I dont know how to deal with this that early because of the time factor. I just find myself being stern and not connecting with her at all in order to keep the other kids from following suit and getting them into the car. Any suggestions? And yes, it really is the pants not fitting right at that moment (not just something she uses to rage in the mornings).

  8. I don't yell.. I scream all the time! I'm so frustrated with my little turds I can't do anything. I don't get anything done. I feel like I'm failing everyday. Their voices stop my brain functioning.. all I hear is a constant drone of moaning whinge bags trashing my house quicker than I can clean it! Motherhood sucks big time!!! …. Until they're asleep.. Then they're the cutest little punks I've ever seen. Oh yay I've got to do it all over again tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. Thanks you so much for this video children need to be involved in a activity to be part of it

  10. Thank you for your videos they are very helpful gona try a few of your tips I'm struggling with depression and my bone condition pseudohypoparathyroidism I don't understand it and feel abit stuck in my ways I don't cope very well with conflict or dealing with my emotions the right way I want to make my relationship work and help my family be happy, to be able to make decisions and plan things for my family and have fun instead of being stuck in a rut daily thank you

  11. Smoke a blunt b4 u see or really dill wit yo kids..That helped me big-time.. was she saying helps if u havin a good day๐Ÿ˜’ if u already pissed smoke1๐Ÿ˜ค๐ŸŒณ..She think we all live wit the white picket fence..And if u dont smoke..All u have 2do is take things and opportunities away..This all worked 4me

  12. My kids are lazy. They leave their junk everywhere. I know itโ€™s my fault i should have taught them when they were younger but now i feel like they only help when i yell. Jelp

  13. My mom was always just a total nut job, lunatic with unresolved issues in her mind that stemmed from way over 30 years ago. She violates my Freedom of speech and beliefs and choices and I'm a 55 year old woman who she still treats me this way.

  14. I scream at my four year old every day. I see how scared he gets and instantly covers him self scared that I'ma hit him I guess. But I can't stop screaming at him. I promised him a better life than I had growing up. But I'm scaring him and it hurts knowing that I'm doing that to him. Thank you for the video.

  15. I screamed because it was mad count one tow three four toy ball can stop yelling my mom no screaming or crying yelling she hurt ears so sore I'm sorry I'm leaning i drink water i don't drink something suger no good run clam down clam my self close my eyes I breath in and out in out in out I'm not screaming anymore because my baby sister grading paper stuff too my stuff don't say bad use you head and I think think

  16. I yelled today because my kids turned off my refrigerator and all our food for the week went bad. I had budgeted, prepared and now I have to not only clean out a fridge but also replace and reprepare food so I yelled like a maniac and now I just feel like crap

  17. Last week I yelled because they lit the microwave on fire by putting hot wheels in them while I was vacuuming their room

  18. I have a really high pitched voice and i yell at the end of my sentence and when i get exited it's so loud and i like to move around it's got to the point where my friends don't share with me and i ask them why and they say i I'm like a "screaming animal running around" that really hurts my feelings and self-esteem so trying to lower my voice so they aren't bothered.Anyways this vid didn't help that much but i just wanted to share

  19. I have 2 daughters 21 and 10 and this has helped me so much. I wish I would have known this 40 years ago, but better late than never. I made a chart, I'm going to keep track.

  20. Mind starting when my grandsons want do what is ask + smart mouth me sometime. They are good boys & have been raised to respect but it's lot's of stress. Tyvm

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