HI everyone my name is LP and you are watching
another episode of our weekly q and a where i show you how to create teachable moments
with your kids today’s question comes from Alex who writes:
Dear Lori, I am desperate to stop yelling at my kids I don’t even know how it got this
bad but i feel like i yell all day long and really its the only thing that works. I wake up every day promising myself I wont
yell because I know it’s causing my kids to scream when they want something but I don’t
know what to do. This is harder than I thought it was going to be.
How can i stop the cycle of yelling? Alex.
Alex – congratulations on even knowing that it is a challenge for you and wanting to change.
So many people don’t even realize the impact that their own reactions are having on their
kids behavior – so you should be proud of yourself for taking that step.
Now, I know how you feel because I come from a long line of yellers. I have more than a
few members of my family who speak at a tone just a few decibels above ear-splitting and
the y ounger me was an honorary member of that club for a few years.
So for me – yelling was also a challenge – so I want to give you a couple of tips to STOP
the madness. 1. First think you want to do is track it.
Start tracking WHEN you yell. Each time you find yourself triggered in the
moment – you want to notice it -and then jot it down.
Keep a notebook close by and write down the most important details about the event.
If you have time to investigate in the moment- great if not – write down as much as you need
to remember the significance of the event so you can do some root cause investigation
with yourself later. Who was present.
What happened? How did I feel?
What feelings were present for you. How did the experience affect you?
What did you need— to be heard, understood, respected, feel acknowledged.
Knowing WHY you get triggered into yelling is the first step to the investigation.
Yelling is a sign that we’re overwhelmed and needing to self-regulate before we can open
up our perspective to see a new way out of our situation.
Often we avoid looking at our own motivations because when we lead with the left-brain ruled
centered focus – we want to control and that usually means directing the external instead
of investigating the internal. So get to the root cause.
3. Take that tracking sheet and start to notice what sets you off and when?
Is there a pattern to your triggers? Is it a certain time of the day?
Is it the pressure to get the day going or the exhaustion at the end of the day?
Is there a memory this is linked to? Did you get yelled at a lot or feel like you
weren’t able to safely express yourself when you were young.
So when your kids don’t listen you’re triggered into an emotional memory.
Or maybe your body is craving the gas it needs to GO!
Blood sugar or nutritional imbalances can easily affect your tolerance to stress and
your ability to cope. I had a client track her child’s triggers
and she returned to class to say that they now meet conflict with a hard-boiled egg!
She never would have known had she not investigated that her child’s cycle of negative behaviors
were linked to a lack of protein. —insert egg campaign —-
Now – once you have an awareness of your yelling and you habits and patterns – the next step
is to give yourself the time to fall down and the SPACE to breathe.
It’s not easy – you’re gonna yell – you’re gonna be overwhelmed and sometimes over-extend
yourself. So be kind to yourself when you fall off the
yeller wagon. You won’t do better if you punish yourself for messing up.
At the same time – take some personal responsibility. When you feel yourself getting triggered – NOW
is the timeto 4. stop and BREATHE. Just breathe – don’t talk. As long as no one
is in danger – I want you to be
a yogi master. —insert yogi bear —
If you breathe through your first reaction to conflict – you will be less likely to lose
control of your impulse which might be to scream.
It’s likely that your kids – or even other people will give you lots of daily opportunities
to practice yelling or being offended But if you’re willing to take some time to
be conscious of your actions – you’ll be able to create a new pattern and head in the direction
you want… So my last step is 5. Know where you want
to go? WHAT do you want? If you’re not going to yell anymore – have a plan.
When you feel like yelling – don’t just try and talk yourself out of it. Engage your senses
– breathe and use sensory tools until your thinking brain comes back online and then
decide how YOU WANT to feel and take actions steps to move towards that feeling – meeting
your own needs on your own terms instead of demanding that others change so you can feel
better. Yelling comes from powerfully intense feelings
– perhaps connected to a need to be recognized, valued, heard, considered… so to feel in
control of those powerful emotions requires an honest look at WHY we yell, how we would
like to express ourselves and what we really want to experience – regardless of how we
want other people to act on our behalf. When we can honestly express what we would
like – without making others responsible for our emotions – they are more inclined to willingly
contribute to our needs because we have shared without making it a threat to their own sense
of purpose or dignity. Alex, that was my TM for you. I hope that
you feel encouraged to investigate the root of your holler and take control of the situation
without feeling like you’re losing control. And I’d love to know how it goes, so keep
me posted on your progress – with an email or by leaving me a comment at teach-through-love.com.
Which is where you should go if you want more tips and tools like this to help you a create
healthy, influential relationship with your child.
And – if you liked this video – Please share it on your favorite social media platform
And I would also love to hear from you so share your thoughts and stories in the comments
because You never know when your experience is going to inspire someone else towards the
change they were looking for. Thank you so much for watching and for sharing.
until next time, please remember it’s about consciousness not perfection!