How to Remain Calm With People
100 Comments


One of the most important ways to calm
down is the power to hold on. Even in challenging situations
to a distinction between what someone does and what they meant to do.
In law, the difference is enshrined in the
contrasting concepts of murder and manslaughter. The result may be the same: the body is
inert in a pool of blood. But we collectively feel it makes a huge
difference what the perpetrators intentions were.
Motives are crucial, but unfortunately we’re seldom very good
at perceiving what motives happened to be involved in the incidents that
frustrate us. We’re easily and wildly mistaken. We see intention where there was
none and escalate and confront when no strenuous or agitated responses are in
fact warranted. Part of the reason why we jump so
readily to dark inclusions and see plots to insult and harm us is a rather
poignant psychological phenomenon: Self-hatred. The less we like ourselves, the more we
appear in our own eyes as really rather plausible targets for mockery and harm. Why would a drill have started up
outside just as we were settling down to work? Why are the email not arrive even though
we’ll have to be in a meeting very soon? Why would the phone operator be taking
so long to find our details? Because there is, logically enough, a plot against
us. Because we are appropriate targets for these kinds of things. Because we’re the sort of people against whom disruptive drilling is legitimately likely to be
directed. It’s what we deserve. When we carry a
background excess of self-disgust around with us operating just below the radar of
conscious awareness. We’ll constantly seek confirmation from the wider world that
we really are the worthless people we take ourselves to be. The expectation is
almost always set in childhood where someone close to us is likely to have
left us feeling dirty and culpable. And as a result we now travel through
society assuming the worst. Not because it’s necessarily true or
pleasant to do so, but because it feels familiar. And because as the prisoners of past
patterns we haven’t yet understood. We would be so much calmer around adults, if we could resort to some of the
unflustered poised we naturally use around children. Small children sometimes
behave in really maddening ways. They scream at the person who’s looking after
them, angry push away a bowl of animal pastor, throw away something you’ve just
fetched for them. But we rarely feel personally agitated or wounded by their
behavior. And the reason is that we don’t assign a negative motive or mean
intention to a small person. We reach around for the most benevolent
interpretations. We probably think that they’re just a
bit tired, or their gums are sore, or they’re upset by the arrival of a
younger sibling. We’ve got a large repertoire of
alternative explanations ready in our heads. And none of these lead us to panic
or get terribly agitated. This is the reverse of what tends to
happen around adults. Here we imagine that people have deliberately got us in their sights. If someone edges in front of us in the
airport queue it’s natural to suppose that they’ve sized this up and of reason that
they can safely take advantage of us. They probably relish the thought of
causing us a little distress. But if we employ the infant model of
interpretation our first assumptions would be very
different. We think that maybe they didn’t sleep well that night, have a sore
knee, or have been upset by their lover. The French philosopher Inmilo Gustachtie, known as Ella, was set to be the finest teacher in France in the first
half of the 20th century. And he developed a formula for calming himself and his pupils down in the face of irritating people. Never say that people
are evil. He wrote. You just need to look for the
pin. What he meant was: look for the source of the agony that drives a person to behave in appalling ways. The calming thought is
to imagine that they’re suffering off stage in some area we can’t see. To be mature is to learn to
imagine this zone of pain in spite of the lack of much available evidence. They
may not look as if they were mad and by an inner psychological element. They may seem chirpy and full of
themselves, but the pin simply must be there or they would not be causing us
harm. When others maden us we need to imagine the turmoil,
disappointment, worry, and sadness beneath an aggressive surface. We need to aim compassion in an
unexpected place at those who annoy us most. We must do that very strange thing: move
from anger to pity.

100 thoughts on “How to Remain Calm With People

  1. I suppose it's weird of me then, because I don't make the excuses for babies' annoying actions that described that apparently most people do. Annoying babies piss me off as much as an adult being annoying would. I don't go "what if x" towards either.

  2. I think a poignant psychological theory in this instance is "the fundamental attribution error," when one attributes another behaviour to a negative internal attribute rather than a result of their environment and we excuse our own behaviour when we behave the same because we attribute our own behaviour to the environment. Think about this example: someone is tailgating you and changing lanes quickly without warning, you might say "that person is an idiot for driving so dangerously," then one day you find yourself rushing from work because you've had a phone call from the hospital to say your child has broken their leg. In the first instance you blame the other persons behaviour on an intrinsic characteristic within the person whereas you justify your own behaviour as a result of the environment.

  3. I don’t hate myself.. I get annoyed because everyone expects everything from me. I have to drive them everywhere. It doesn’t matter to them if I just got out of work or if I haven’t slept all day. They wear me out. && if i speak up and say I can’t I’m tired. One of them will get upset and say I’m selfish or I don’t care about them. && it’s an endless.. sometimes multiple times to the same place

  4. Well, that's the whole problem -isn't it? Adults are not infants, and therefore we can't see them as such…I can be very patient with kids and animals but not with grown ups acting like [email protected]***

  5. So, it's better to be a doormat rather than speak up for ourselves? 🤔 well… i can see how pitying the offender might help with present anger or frustration, but what happens in the future when all that I'm pushing down surfaces and explodes midair?

  6. Talking to some government employee is very difficult to remain calm when they continue to over talk, and won’t listen and deliberately make the situation worse just to give you a hard time in the future.

  7. This is scary because it's so relevant for me. I always find myself saying "why would …. If…." as if everything and everyone is out to get me and it stems from my dad. He's very smart but he's also very negative in his thinking and he believes most people are out to get him. I wish I could change this thinking.

  8. Its funny of how I learn more important things here then get mostly heartbreaking criticizm (when I fail a test or if I accidentally break my project) from school

  9. totaly agree… i had this philosophy thought too early when it shouldnt have been my responsibility to "find the needle". and than later in life i felt i am too nice to people because i allways tried to not be angry (even if i was). so i thought fuck this some people are bad…. but! now people have given me the calmness when i got angry. they stood their ground but didnt leave me. so i calmed down more and more and now i see that when i get mad at someone i am just mad because i hurt. otherwise i would leave them be.

  10. i also try to remember: i probably only like around 20% of all people i meet. and i think only around 10% of all people are beyond-help-nasty. so what are the odds that i am acctually mad at someone who is really mean on purpose?

  11. Never losing sight of self respect and worth. Do not ignore your gut feelings. Do proper introspection to yourself and the situation. I’m nearly 31 and it’s hard for me to know what a “true” friend is. The closest I have is my pug and I constantly worry about the fact that she’s getting older and I have no one else that I know gives any shit about let alone loves me like she does.

    Something that life has taught me very clearly is no matter what is right or wrong, there’s no moral compass in the hands of the forces that guide the universe.

  12. Yeah right. Some people want you to feel angry at them. Truly. This is what Trolling is. And if you try and move to pity, they get really pissed and intentionally antagonize you until you're blind with rage. This pity thing is great as long as you have a way of escape so you don't have to interact with them anymore.
    So, blocking and reporting helps. LOL
    But srsly, it doesn't work. I thot it would, which is how I know.

  13. The fact that someone is hurt or going through some harsh moment doesn't mean that they are allowed to harm or annoy us in any way. It's ok to feel pity and try to understand and help a person if we feel they are going through something. But we should never allow ourselves to be run over by people in a systematic way under the pretext that they are undergoing difficult times.

  14. I do like this; however, I think if we look at people as animals, and we think about this in that context…well,this advice goes out the window. Some people …ahem, "animals"…are wired to cause harm and destruction. i.e. If a neanderthal were alive (extinct hominid) and working at your office, should you externalize his aggessive behavior. Some people are like that. That is, it is worthless to look for a tiger's "pin." This is why it is so complex to game your response. Just be yourself, and find a middle place between externalizing and internalizing people's "bad behavior."

  15. This is my go to logic everytime, do the person intented it or is it an accident, but if they really did harm or taking advantage to others I really think they need to be punished for their actions to learn

  16. Most of the time i give benefit of doubt to people arnd me my family colleagues nd frnds nd dont get angry easily..as v give to a small child shown in the video..nd its really gud..

  17. My husband is so sweet and when someone acts rude he immediately thinks that most people are good and that they are probably having a bad day. Me on the other hand think, oh that person is being mean to me because he/she is having a bad day? Im about to make it a lot worse 😡. But I really should learn from my husband 😃

  18. I feel so bad because my mom just played kneeld me since I was taking like 15 mins inside a bathroom and she wanted to take a shower and she play kneeled me and I said stop because I was just annoyed and now I realize how much of a douchebag I am sorry mom 😞

  19. Fuck this video people do size people up
    And act according to what they thing is fact.also there are a lot of evil assholes in this world!

  20. The video is telling to smile at the person who has slapped us in front of a crowd because he didnt sleep well last night. wow

  21. This was helpful. My mother thinks that everyone is out to get her and she feels like she has to control her surroundings, because of this she is also very aggressive towards me. I know she has anxiety but it is very hurtful when she targets me. I didn't realize it, but she probably does hate herself. Keeping this in mind can help me take appropriate steps to calming her down when she gets hyper and/or giving me the grace to withhold my anger and preserve my peace. Thank you 😊

  22. One of my favorite tricks when dealing with other people who are in a rush is to imagine they have to poop. That way I don't get annoyed when they cut in front of me in line or scurry around me like it's the end of the world. Nope…they just have to poop! I go from feeling unnerved to laughing.

  23. I don't think "pity" is the right word.When you pity someone you look down on them. This would be a mean and vengeful inversion of power relations.
    I'd say "move from anger to benevolence, with the will to understand what's on the other's mind.".

  24. Please talk about righteous anger, not just personal anger. I’m angry right now bc I saw a film called project Nim. Horrible cruelty. But I know this happens all the time. I can’t stand the pain it causes me to know ther is so much unnecessary suffering and I’m angry at the people who perpetrate it. How do I deal with seeing all the injustice in the world? Adults who lie, are unaccountable, cause widespread suffering. I don’t want to be a misanthrope. Did u address this here and I’m just not understanding it?

  25. Some people just don't care..just because they are hurting they think that other people should as well..sad but true

  26. If you really hate someone to the poi t wherein it's no longer tolerable, pray for it. Let God do the rest. As He said, vengeance is Mine. 😊

  27. I just can’t stand stupid, inconsiderate people. I feel an intense need to not let them cut in line, or bully me in some way..it’s a dog eat dog world and I’ve always stood up for myself.

  28. My mom makes really loud sounds while she’s eating and it’s the most fuckin* annoying thing ever its not all the time, just every so often so I listen for it and when she does it I’m like SHUT THE FUC* UP YOU MOTHER FUC*ING WHOR* and then I can’t forget about it for a long time so I try to avoid her a lot

  29. I came her just to learn to shut my mouth while my friends are just insulting and disrespecting bts

  30. a youtuber called me stuck up but could hit me with no facts on one time i was being stuck up so im here trying to keep my cool because he's been a little negative for 2 days….im losing my patience.

  31. Pity people who don’t know you but have judged you based on someone else’s false interpretation of you. You know each and every member of a herd. I celebrate leaders!!

  32. Moving from anger to pity is a very hard thing to do when the hurt person wants to destroy you. These people can at times be very dangerous as we have seen countless times. It is a natural response to address the issue and try to correct it before it turns into a disaster. How we go about doing that is key but I don't think pity is the key element.

  33. Why be around people in the first place if it is gonna be a huge @$$ problem like it always is and was because some people are so effin funny

  34. You can calm yourself down if the impulse is not to simply punch them in the face.
    Again, with time and practice you can master control over this impulse.

  35. life is three lanes. Lane one – bottle up then later blow up.these people are the most dangerous.
    Lane two- blow up over everything and everyone cursing all the time.these people have few friends
    Lane 3 – simple tell someone you've got it wrong.like when your ordering food.im sorry this is not what I ordered can you make it again.
    Lane 3 people share their feeling easy calmly but quickly.

  36. Hearing that last minute of this… It started to click… I was in Starbucks working and this lady Had a really bad attitude and instead of getting annoyed at her because of the way that she ordered I had asked her how she was today and then she told me about all the stuff that went wrong… So it just shows that people are going through different things at different times and they’re not always going to come off the best when they’re upset

  37. Pity or Compassion. Great video and I can't wait to share it with all my ex-students and other kids in my life because this is exactly what I've been teaching them for many years. The ex-students will get a huge laugh about it then all the warm fuzzy's from remembering Miss. Wingy's lessons they post about on my FB Thank You so much for this!!!!

  38. Why don't you just get a government guinea pig you can take your hate out on daily and get grants for it…not like this nation is ruin by Nazis

  39. Nah I just get angry cause I think people are selfish and assholes sometimes. Not anything to do with me.

  40. Did my phone hear me yelling at MNNet because they are hassling me about medicals rides to the endocrinologist and EMDR practitioner? 😂

  41. I agree with everything except the last sentence, we should move from anger to, not pity but, compassion.

  42. Much as this may seem a good analysis, this video fails to talk about what if there is intention? With infants this is understandable but still if it’s not fixed then this could pose bigger problems as they grow. While it is a good reason to deem this as pitiable not all situations might deserve so.

  43. bullies bully because they get bullied. I understand that because I do the same to others, that's why I saty calm when I get bullied

  44. This video is complete nonsense. More proof that just about anyone can upload anything at any time.. For example, the part about jumping the queue having sized-up the people in it… I have never seen anyone push past a guy twice their size. There's a reason for that: they really HAVE sized-up the queue and thought better of it. Sorry, this video is wholly inaccurate.

  45. French are just filled with empathy.
    That's why they were so easily invaded in 1940, and again today.
    This whole theory is crap. Don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself.
    Egalitarian nonsense is killing the West.

  46. I lose my temper very fast especially at school.this year I wanted to be nicer to everyone even people who have hurt me with small words.this is going to be hard because of the type of people I’m surrounded by.

  47. I can relate SO much. I just made a video on Patience tonight on my new You Tube channel and I would like to invite anyone who cares to watch, to come to my channel and give it a try. I talk on everyday topics that range from Mental Health to Rape, Cutting, Ocd, Ouija Boards, Sage advice & many other topics I think many can relate to. Please feel free to like, comment, share or subscribe. Every little bit helps. I thank you

  48. Well, me and my friends we have a phrase that if we see someone behave angry, we say he or she might not had a good sex last night 😁 seems it was a goood way to stay calm

  49. I've worked on this concept for a while and it does help, but the tough part is not knowing what the pin is and not being 100% sure they are simply doing it just to be mean for fun without any personal animosity.

  50. This works to a certain extent. There are some people that are focusing on hurting us and there are times when we're not able to cut them out of our lives.

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