how to get toddlers to listen without yelling

How to get toddlers to listen without
yelling? I’ve got an expert with me today Nicholeen Peck joins us for Live on
Purpose TV. So glad that you’re here you know that we do a lot of parenting
content here at Live on Purpose TV and you can link to our positive parenting
playlist right up there where you’re going to find a whole bunch of videos on
different topics that you might be interested in. And today, I brought in the
person that I think knows more about parenting than anyone else I know
professionally, this is Nicoleen Peck thank you for being here. My pleasure
Paul thanks for having me. Nicoleen you have impressed me so much
over the years with your approach and it’s really about teaching
self-government so that these children can learn how to basically govern
themselves and they don’t have to have someone telling them what to do all the
time, every second, yes. I think one of our main jobs as a parent is to work our
way out of a job, I mean if we’re doing it right then we should be launching
them off with confidence right? right yeah, yeah. Now we’ve had a lot of
questions that come up from our viewers with particularly young children how to
get toddlers to listen to you without yelling and yelling is a trap isn’t it?
But definitely a trap and I think the thing about yelling that is so important
is actually to recognize that when you’re yelling you’re in a selfish state.
And so and I I mean I’m a bold speaker I call it kind of like I see it right and
and that is what is happening when a person is yelling, usually it’s
because they are in an emotional trap that they’ve put themselves in, so there’s
really no need to yell, but then you have to ask yourself okay well what am i
lacking then why do I keep going to this place of yelling
and usually the parents are lacking some sort of skills that they need in order
and a mindset, I mean you have to look at what you’re doing and as your role as a
parent with new eyes, before you can decide to adopt new skills and new ways
of communicating with your children. So yes, so with your tod, with your toddler
children okay so we’re talking about little ones, little ones, right? right and
their cognitive ability is minimal and so you have to remember that. Their
prefrontal cortex of the brain is not fully developed well, until they’re
between the ages of 18 and 24 years so they have a long way to go though when
they’re at that stage they just don’t have a lot of ability and I think
parents think well I told you not to touch that one thing already, how come
you’re touching it again but we have to recognize oh they’re learning curve is
so steep right now, I mean they have so much to accomplish and to learn and so
you have to when you’re looking at your your mindset as a parent you have to say
okay so is this is what I’m doing right now about figuring out a way not to be
annoyed or is what I’m doing right now figuring out a way to best nurture and
teach my child. Ah… and there’s a difference there. That’s an important
distinction and I I think there are some indicator feelings we can look
at and you were touching on that frustration, anger, resentment, those
feelings are things that we might experience as a parent and usually when
we’re yelling we’re responding to those feelings mm-hmm. Instead of really
focusing like you’re saying on the child what is this child’s needs right now? How
do I best nurture and love and teach? Well, see the thing is, is the parents
have a tendency to forget who they are by focusing so much on how they feel.
This is a big thing, you know I have that book called oh yeah
you know I have that book called rolls the secret to family business and social
success and I wrote that book after I wrote my other parenting books because I
realized there is a major identity crisis happening in our world today
especially in the nation in the place where I live where parents are literally
forgetting who they are, as a parent. And then they’re expecting their children
sometimes to almost step up in their roles and then their children are
usurping the power of their parents and so that makes it so that then there’s
dysfunction in the home, in all ways. So when you I know we have to talk about
toddlers today we keep get deeper of course, yes so getting back to all right, so how do we
get these toddlers, these little people to listen without yelling, mm-hmm
and without giving in to our emotions and our feelings. There’s an option here, yes, that maybe we’re in
choice still and thinking about who we are and what our role is as a parent and
I know you’ve got some practical ideas for parents too. I do, let’s share some
ideas, okay, that would be great so once you’ve decided you know what I
actually like teaching my children I like nurturing my children and this is
what I’m gonna do. Then you have to ask yourself okay, well
how am I gonna do it, without getting to that emotional place? So one thing that
parents can use and this is especially important for the little ones when they
can’t they don’t speak as well and I’m thinking toddler honestly up
until about age four and five, okay? So any time in that category of a child. Preschool years, exactly! And so some of them actually or have they’ve gotten pretty
smart and they can do a lot of talking another so and they can even when
they’re babies they can understand more than they can say and you have to
remember that. So you don’t have to dumb everything down because they’ve
been hearing you communicate all the way along. But a big key thing is describe.
Describe, describe what is happening. Describe what should be happening and
then do practice, so for the little one it’s all about pre-teaching what things
should be happening correctly and you have to practice that more, than they do
it the wrong way otherwise they won’t change the behavior so it’s huge now
sometimes you have to you know stop them from attacking another person and kind
of like gently grab them and pull them away and physically you know sometimes
you have to, you know, because we’ve got to protect everyone, but then, then what
after that one in our family they go to a calm down place if they’ve been doing
something like that. They would go to a calm down place but it’s not for a
specified period of time, like a timeout. They just go there until they’re calm
enough so that they can say okay and be ready to do a teaching moment with mom,
okay? right? So then we do a teaching moment and I described. So just a moment
ago, you were hitting so-and-so because they didn’t want to share with you, what
you should have done was and then we’re going to go back to some skills that I’ve
taught them. So what teach children these four basic
skills and they can learn them when they’re tiny. I have seen children under
two years old be able to say, “Mom can i disagree appropriately?” I mean they can say it. Yes, can I do
agree appropriately and between siblings, between friends, they can use these
little skills, so the skills are to learn how to follow instructions, the second
skill is to accept no answers and criticism, wow, the third skill it is big,
the third skill is to accept consequences and you have to have that
you can’t let herself government unless you learn cause and effect. You have to have opportunity to accept your consequences. And then fourth one is disagreeing appropriately and
those four skills actually cover 99% of all negative behaviors. And so, your
little child you would say what you did was this, what you should have done was
this and you would explain exactly what that is and then you would practice it
the right way. Actually practice the skill of them. Multiple times even yeah
and then as they get an older maybe they’re three and four
you might even do a little role reversal where I’m the child and my
child’s the mommy you know, and then they get to see
it from the other side even. Now when they’re tiny too and maybe they can’t
they can’t do it but when they get a little bit older they can even go to
that level of understanding what’s happening. So as far as you know not
having to yell, number one you have to decide do I need to yell or do I just
need to teach? Because the only time you should yell is like if they’re in the
road or in front of a train or you know what I mean? Like because otherwise why?
Just right there, just get on their level look at them and talk to them, correct
them, but my children do earn extra chores, I will say. Even when they’re tiny.
I might help them. I might help them put all the crayons in the box, right, you know
but we’re going to still teach them some cause-and-effect and teach them how to
govern themselves during a little chore. They don’t get too full self-government
just like in their toddler years. Well they’re not ready for it. It takes time, no, they got to have that functioning capability first, you know. So, well, Nicholeen, I knew
that you would have some great ideas along these yes these questions that
we’re addressing here Live on Purpose TV today. And folks, Nikoline has a lot of
really great resources and we’ll put a link down in the description. Great! you
know they can get to your website you’ve got books that are available for the
kids, the kids as well as for the parents. A lot of great resources .Thank You Nicholeen and that was really helpful. My pleasure. That’s another great video free
parenting library. We’ll see you tomorrow.

57 thoughts on “how to get toddlers to listen without yelling

  1. Thanks for the video. It was helpful. I will try this with my kids.i don't have to yell anymore 😉. Love your videos they are so helpful to me.i learned a lot from are a great psycholog.

  2. Thank you for sharing your knowledge on this subject, your videos have helped me do a better job managing a group of children at my job. Do you have any techniques for managing a large group of children ages 5-7?
    Thank you both!

  3. Can u please a video on the rules in a play area. My son is 1 now and i wana start young in terms of allowing him to defend himself instead of me doing things on his behalf. For example: of my son is holding a toy and another older baby comes and takes the toy from his hand. Should i get the toy back from the kid? Should i tell him in his ear go get the toy even if he is not understanding me? Thank you

  4. This is a very helpful channel, and Nicholeen's insights were wise and also communicated very well. Thank you!

  5. Thank you for sharing the topic.I tried pull my son from the kids when he is hitting them and told him that they are feeling hurt and sad,but he will repeat again . Could you have more guidance on children ‘s behavior controlling?

  6. Could you offer any advice on a 5 yo with sticky fingers? I've talked and talked and talked and still he does it. I have to put him in the cart anymore to make sure he doesn't get away with anything. Help please! Thank You!

  7. Doctor Barclay talks about people with ADHD, having the mental age 30% younger than other children/adult than others of the same age, so, is using milestones of those 30% younger than the real age be adjusted to meet that "more accurate" development level.

  8. Great advice from both of u…but doc what I can do if my 2.5yo is just crying crying n crying for no reason…n it's hard to make him understand that it's not good asking for anything in the form of cry.

  9. Awesome video but..ever handled a four year old boy with a five year old sister who has a hand disability? He has the disability he was born 10 pounds and they pulled him out too hard. Plus he is the "baby' he is always taking two steps forward two steps back

  10. My toddler has a very strange habit he throws tantrums by banging his head on the floor so hard he leaves knots and bruises I have no clue what to do

  11. I do really appreciate and enjoy learning from your videos Dr. Paul! Thank you for sharing! 😊
    I’m an early childhood educator, in a room with up to 12 children – from two and a half to five years old – on my own. Sometimes I find it so hard and absolutely challenging (and frustrating too 😞) to keep them under control and keeping my cool at the same time as well.
    If it’s not too much asking, what would you recommend me to do in order to get these dozen of children to listen and follow instructions without getting to the extreme point of raising my voice to them?
    Many thanks in advance Dr. Paul and kind greetings from Australia! 🇦🇺☺️

  12. I refuse to use the word 'should'. I would say 'You could have done X', or 'What works for me is Y'. The child will self-govern only out of freely choosing to do so, and 'should' disrespects the child's freedom of choice.

  13. So I understand where you are coming from with the selfish yelling but then why do children o what you say when you alter your voice?

  14. Omgs…..u dont even know. And I totally cave all the time cos Im terrified terrified terrified about killing his spirit. And I dont want to. But of course its just as bad to not have any discipline.

  15. Can I use this technique? If my kid asked for a new toy I will answer "you dont listen to me, why should I listed to you?"

  16. Please upload your videos also in spanish. I love them and the only thing holding me from sharing them with all latinamerica is that most of my friends and family members don't speak english to a level that they could understand. And these videos are really necessary.

    Thank you soo much for the good work. Keep it up! 👌👍

  17. I agreed with everything mentioned in the video, but how to execute it when I only get 2-3 hours to spend with my kids daily, and need to fit dinner/bath/bedtime story in the evening? When SOMETIMES, yelling is the fastest way to get things done… The execution part is my biggest hurdle! How to effectively implement it?

  18. Well, my problem is that my children 2 and 3 years old are involving me into absolutely everything. They must be sure that I m supervising everything they do. We have a times in a day when we are playing together, but it is not enough for them, so I cannot make a lunch or go to toillet without them distracting me by calling me to play with them, or to fix something for them. They also asking my permission for smallest things. For example, if my son wants something or he throw something accidentaly, he will call me, until I say to him, please pick it up. I am very tired. I have no time for myself at all, and it makes me very upset sometimes. They are also crying many hours in a day, and its driving me crazy. Can u please tell me what am I doing wrong?

  19. Omg. I knew she looked so familiar!! I just watched her episode of worlds strictest parents. I thought she was the sweetest and handled everything so well 😁

  20. i have never been one to yell, but my toddler has been screaming and whinning lots lately. He makes a big deal out of anything. I am pretty strict, but try to use few words and use a moderate tone of voice, but today I had had it and yelled at him. He obeyed immediately…
    I get why ppl yell, it works!

  21. This is very philosophical but very few practical ideas. Ok yes I like the idea of describing what they should've done and role play but that's all that seemed practical and this is a long vid for just a nugget. Busy parents need more examples!

  22. Hi I’m finding that I’m always yelling at my 2 year daughter to stop doing something she shouldn’t and idk know how i can stop yelling at her the first time and continue yelling for her to listen to me

  23. What do you think of a overly sensitive child that cries or pretends to cry at the drop of a hat over the littlest things? First thought is a kid that only gets attention by crying or a child that never learned to self sooth.

  24. I am 33 and I don’t think think my front cortex is not fully developed. I am screaming to my 4 years old almost all day long. I feel sorry for him! I feel sorry for myself too! I am not just a parent, mommy doesn’t want to be mommy all the time!! I know that sound selfish. I want the best for my kids, but mommy need time for herself too!

  25. Ok I’m a practical gal. How do you get a almost 3yo to come to dinner pick up her toys brush her teeth stop begging for everything in the store?? What are the consequences for bad behavior or disobedience?? New to channel so forgive if I’m asking answered questions.

  26. This doesnt even work with adults that can communicate, how the heck can we teach those 4 self government rules to toddlers? Great theory though. Im sure it fills a book or two; in reality it does not seem feasible. Poor explanation perhaps.

  27. So how do you raise your kids without hitting the kid or taking away there stuff because I NEVER want to do that to them I want to spoil them and show them that life is awesome and follow your dreams and if they tell me when there teenagers and tell me I want to do this and dress like this then I would say be who you are buddy I love you and never will stop loving you and spoil them like crazy and get them anything they ever wanted

  28. My 5 yo son is a very good boy till 3 yo..from 4yo he started to become naughty and dont want to listen and talk back alot.i feel i strted to yell after he became naughty😭.he is stil good in the hse…but if we r out to the shop he become very naughty..even hit me in front of ppl😢😭.

  29. I am a woman who was raised. By a parent with no filter, no order and because we feared her,she saw it as respecting her, aswell as her feeling like she was the most amazing parent but she honestly wasnt. I know I wanna be a better mother than my own. I'm very forgiving but I cant damage my child like I have been. I strive for new ways to communicate by simply remembering how I felt in that moment when my mom was my bully

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