How To Get Someone Help With Anger Management

Have you been wondering how to get
someone help for anger management? I’ve got some tips for you. A few years ago, I
was doing a home improvement project that involved some plumbing. I’m not a
plumber, I’m a psychologist so I had to get a little bit of consultation. I
called my dad. My dad said, “Paul, there’s only 2 things you need to know about
plumbing. 2 rules. Rule number 1. Water runs
downhill. Kind of knew that already. Rule number 2. Don’t lick your fingers.”
Now, I chuckled a little bit because he was just trying to be funny. But you know
what? That holds some relevance for what we’re talking about here today. I think
in psychology, there’s 2 basic rules as well. First of all, the water runs
downhill rule. Some things you control other things you don’t. We clear about
that? Now, let’s go to rule number 2. This is the don’t lick your fingers rule.
Pay attention to the stuff you do control. What about anger management? You know people who could use this, right? Some things you control, other things you
don’t. If we’re talking about your child over whom you have authority and some
level of control, then just set it up, make it happen, go get some help. If you
control it. Now, if we’re dealing with an adult or an older child, we may not have
that level of control. What if it’s a co-worker? You don’t have that level of
control. So, the first distinction that is important to make here is do I control
this or not? If you control it, just take care of it. If you don’t, that’s why we’re
having this conversation, right? Because if we don’t control it, our only hope is
to have influence over that person’s choices. They need to choose to do it,
we’re hoping to influence them to do so. So let’s cover 4 quick
steps that will help us if we’re in that kind of a position. Number 1, do your
homework. Do some research and some diligence to figure out what kind of
resources are available in your area or in that person’s area for anger
management. There’s classes, there are counselors, there are professionals who
deal with this stuff all the time. Find out what’s available first. That becomes
important because of the other steps. So let’s go to step number 2. Approach
them in love and compassion. This takes down some of the defenses. If you
approach them in an accusat,ory way what’s going to happen?
Shields are going to come up, right? And if this person already has some anger
issues, probably they’re going to turn this back on you. And you get to be blamed for how they’re feeling right now. We don’t want to get into that trap. So approach
them with as much love and compassion as you can possibly muster. And then from
that position, ask their permission. That might sound so simple and it is. It’s
simple but simple and easy aren’t the same thing. When you ask for permission
it helps to bring down additional defenses that might still be there. And
it does another important psychological thing. And that is you get some buy-in. If
they grant you permission, they have already said yes to you. So, we’re… What
are we asking permission for? You’re asking them for permission to share some observations or to give them some feedback. So, it would sound something
like this: “Can I have your permission to share some observations with you? Do I
have your permission to give you a little bit of feedback? Would that be
okay with you?” Now, if they say no, don’t argue with them.
Just back off. In fact, you might take an approach of
saying, “Okay, thank you. Let me know if you change your mind about that.” See? That
puts you in a position where you’re not trying to cram something down their
throat. You’re simply asking for their permission and when they grant it, then
you can move forward to diplomatically share with them that their behaviors
having an impact on you or on their work or whatever the context is. As you
diplomatically and lovingly give this feedback, let’s go to tip number 4
which is to paint a picture of the outcome. What would it look like if they
got on top of this? If they were able to resolve it? Help them to see the vision
of that. Seeing the vision of what is possible makes it much more likely that
they are going to actually receive or accept the help that you can share with
them because you’ve already done your research about who’s available or what’s
available to help them out with this particular issue. They’ll be more open to
that. Now, before we wrap this video up, a few words about the resources. There is
an abundance out there of resource available for people who need some anger management help. I’ve already mentioned psychologists, social workers, counselors,
therapists. Don’t just hire anyone. Call them up, interview them. See if this is
something that they work with on a regular basis. Ask them about their
approach. How they would handle something like this? This is an important referral
for you. So, do a little bit of shopping. And you’re in charge. I tell all of my
clients right up front. You can fire me at will. And they chuckle sometimes. But
you know what? I really feel that way. I think I’m working for you not the other
way around. And anybody that you hire as a professional should have that same approach. If they don’t, keep shopping.
Because there are a lot of possibilities out there. Coaching is something that is
getting a lot more traction nowadays and there are experts out there who can help
you with anger management, for example. Who are not licensed therapists. Now,
there’s upsides and downsides to that. But as you explore some of the options
that are available, you might find some that you hadn’t anticipated before. It
takes a little bit of shopping to get there. Getting help for someone else, that
can be a tricky thing. Hopefully these tips have helped you. If you’re looking
for some coaching resources, go to not dot com. Dot coach. is a resource that i’ve put together with some of my
licensees and people who are involved in my coaching program. I think you might
find some resources there.

3 thoughts on “How To Get Someone Help With Anger Management

  1. You sound a little congested, buddy. Try a netti pot!!! They're a lifesaver. Thank you for your help, Dr. Paul.

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