How To Discipline Your Child With Love

A common and really important question.
How to discipline your child with love? Okay, Live On Purpose parents, quick
review. What is your job? Think about this. Yeah, you don’t have to
think about it very long, do you? Your job as a parent is to love them no matter
what and even if. Disciplining with love, you
know what? I don’t even think that it’s truly discipline unless it’s done with
love. If it’s something else, it’s some kind of Dominion or whatever. Love is an
essential part of the equation. Now, can I put this into context for you. Because
all the research that we’ve done over the years in psychology leads to the
same conclusion. This is the most common finding that you can find in the child
development literature. That there are 2 things that are necessary for a
child to be well-adjusted and stable in their life. Those 2 things are love and
discipline. There’s different words that are used in the different studies but
basically that’s what it comes down to. Love and discipline or structure. Okay. So,
discipline with love is essential to your child being well-adjusted and
stable in their life. Let’s look at that word discipline. Discipline has in its
very roots. The idea of learning. Why would our children need to learn
something? Here’s where we get into a dilemma sometimes. We want to discipline our children because it makes our life easier as a parent. Okay. Maybe that’s not the best approach. What is it that the child needs to learn in
order for them to have the best life possible? You see the shift? So, we’re not
disciplining children so that our world is more organized or structured or more
convenient or less chaotic. Now, that will happen. That’s secondary. The primary purpose of the discipline is to assist a child to learn something that ultimately
allows them to experience more joy in life. I know that that’s subtle but I
think it’s also important as parents to review that from time to time and come
back to what is the purpose for this thing? It’s about that child, it’s not
about us. We’ve been talking philosophy and I know
you get the philosophy. The philosophy is important because that’s what drives the
practical application. Let’s get practical for a moment about discipline
in love. And give you some strategies. Now if you take the love out, these are just
manipulations. So it really turns into effective discipline when you do it in
the context of love. Stay with me on that. When you’re giving your child a task to
accomplish, give them 2 choices. Now, there’s always 3 or 4 choices and
others that they could make up on their own. But I’m talking about 2 specific choices. So, let’s say that you’re loading
up to go to the store and your 3-year-old is resisting. Okay. And
then I’ll use an example from an older kid too. Your 3-year-old is resisting.
“I don’t want to go.” Let’s give them 2 choices. “Sweetie, you can come out to the car on your own 2 feet or you can come on Mommy’s 2 feet.
Which one would you prefer?” Okay, now. Notice there’s something important about
these 2 choices. You’re okay with both of them. Honestly,
if you give your child 2 choices and you’re okay with one but not the other,
which one are they going to pick? I know. It kind of rolls that way, doesn’t it? If
you’re okay with both of them then it doesn’t matter. And you just took
yourself out of the equation. “What I think is not important. I’m okay with
either choice. You pick one of these.” You’re okay with both of them. Now,
they’re going to try to choose door number 3, aren’t they? “No, I don’t want to do either of those.” Okay. So, here’s the other important thing
about these 2 choices. You control one of them one of them. You can enforce, 100%. You don’t need their buy-in, you don’t need their cooperation. You control it
100%. This is so crucial because if they choose door number 3, a lot of
parents are just like, “Aah” and then they get frustrated. It’s like, “Well, my
kid won’t choose one of these things that I gave them.” That’s because you
can’t control one of them. You get in control of one of the choices and then
chances are they’re going to pick the other one because kids really love to have
control over their own life. But whether they do or they don’t, you’re okay with
either choice and you can enforce one. That one becomes the default. Okay, you
got this? Okay. Let’s take a teenager because teenagers and 3-year-olds
are very different and there’s a lot of other ages in between. But this will give
you an idea. Let’s say that your teenage son wants to go to a party. I had this
with one of my son’s when he was I think 16 years old it came to me and said, “Dad,
can I go to this party?” Your first response is going to be, “Tell me more
about the party.” Okay? Because they’ve kind of kept you in the dark, they
haven’t given you all of the crucial details. Let’s say you find out enough
about the party that you don’t really want them to go. Let’s give them 2
choices. okay? “Son, I don’t approve of the party. So
you’ve got 2 choices. You can stay home tonight. Hang out with us, get your homework done, do some family stuff, whatever. Or you can go to the party without my permission.” Well, that’s going to confuse them, isn’t it?
“What do you mean? Go to… What do you mean?” “Well, I’m not giving you my permission to
go to the party, is that clear? You do not have my permission. I’m not saying you
can’t go because you’ve snuck out before and you’ve gotten without my permission.
And that’s one of your choices. So you can stay home tonight
or you can go to the party without my permission.” Now, I like to throw this part
in especially with teenagers. “Any questions?” And I like to say that with a
little to my voice, I raised my eyebrows just a touch. Because it means
you better be asking some questions about this if you have some. A lot of
kids don’t have much curiosity so that I don’t ask him any questions.
Kids who have worked with me for awhile, they’ll say, “Well, what happens if I go
without your permission?” “That’s a pretty good question. And we can talk about what the consequences would be if you were to go without my permission. but that is
absolutely an option and I’m okay with that one. I don’t want you to go into the
party. So, if you go, you’re going without my permission.” Now, do you see how we’ve set up these 2 choices? I’m okay with either one. I have a preference that he
stays so. I’m going to acknowledge that. But I’m okay with this one. Why? Because I
know that he’s going to learn something from the consequences he’ll receive if
he goes without my permission. I’m not going to lose my cool. I’m simply going to
enforce. Do you see how that works? So, there’s an example with a 3-year-old
another one with a teenager. Give them 2 choices. You’re okay with either
choice and you control one of them. Give that a try. I hope you’re finding these videos helpful. Thank you so much for being here. I love our Live On Purpose parenting community. If you haven’t checked it out yet, come and look at the Parenting Power-Up. You can find that at Hope to see you there too.

39 thoughts on “How To Discipline Your Child With Love

  1. I've already said so much…now iam out of words…all I can say is thank you and may the good God bless you with all the good things in life…may he guide you in every aspect of your life..

  2. Thank you! Can you please expand what could be good consequences for the kids, how can we come up with consequences for the bad choices they made, what kind of framework do I have to use for them to learn.

  3. Interesting with the teenager example. What consequences would you give if they choose to go to the party without your permission?

  4. Thank you alwayz 😊 you help me be a better parent everyday 😂 I greatly appreciate everything 👍 stay awsome. Have an amazing day everyone filled with lots of unconditional lovez and laughter 😊👍💖💕💞💫🌠🌟✨🔥🌈☀🍀🌹🌼🌺🌻🎊🎉🎶💰💵#BESTLIFEEVER

  5. What kind of consequences are good for a teen ager, for an almost teen ager and for a 3 year old??? Thanks a bunch!!

  6. I spank if it is bad enough, and I have already told him multiple time not to do certain things. I know you are against spanking. why is that? can you do a video on why you are against spanking, and alternatives. I try do use the tactic of you can choose to do blah blah blah, or if you don't you can choose a consequence. that dose not always work with my 9 year old boy. so then what?

  7. I tried the two choices method inspired by one of your other video (not sure I followed it correctly…) . And quickly I was confronted with the 3rd door, which in my toddlers case was to say: no. ok again, Your own feet or my feet? no. Hmm… I wasn't sure if I should than just proceed and pick the one choice where I pick her up. I did, and of course I got kicked and smacked and screamed at. Now I feel my kid just doesn't believe me I am giving her a proper choice :/

  8. What would you do with a 5 year old who whines often? She loses privileges but she doesn't seem to learn from that as she will still whine the next day. Eventually I will keep to what I said, and she'll end up doing what I asked but not after a lot of whining, and that is very annoying. How can I get her to follow through without the whining before?

  9. For the teenager, would it be more beneficial to offer an option of something else to do instead, like a trip to the movies or the mall? I think sitting at the house wouldn't interest me either if I knew that my friends were out having fun. I'd even pick up another friend who couldn't go to the party either. I've done that before and it may have cost a little money but it saved me a lot of tension.

    I also have to add that I love your videos. Parenting has become such a positive experience now. Thank you so much!

  10. Dr Paul, the principles n values imparted here r worth more than gold.Thanks n God bless u in every way🤣S'times, when it's too much to handle cos "tho the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak", we need the intervention of God, God Almighty, the Spirit of God, to strengthen n help us in our weakness-in order to discipline IN LOVE

  11. How do i stop my 3 1/2 yr son from spitting everywhere and on other people when he is frustrated or angry or embarrassed???

  12. So if the teenager (15) goes to the party or out with their friends without your permission, what consequence would you deem appropriate?

  13. Thank you very much. Your videos are so beneficial and they couldn't have come at a better moment for me. The advice you provide is both brilliant and simple at the same time. Maybe one day my children will also thank you for helping their mum become a perfect parent or at least get as close to that as possible. No matter what and even if… as simple as that.

  14. I love these videos, but this was worthless. "You can go without my permission. Do you have any questions?". Child: "nope, bye". Parent:. "Wait, there will be consequences for going with out my permission.". Child:. "but you said I could go!!". Your "go without my permission" had many holes and isn't very practical.

  15. My almost 9 year old just said "no". So I asked him what choice he was saying no to. And he just says, "no, you heard me, I said no." So then I start to do what I would call the default and he screams that I don't ever listen that he told me "no". I never can get ahead with this kid.

  16. What if your teenager is just not listening to you at all… ( and I’m staying calm) I told them their friend could not stay over and I was totally disregarded and they ended up staying the whole weekend. Even when I went up to the room and told them thAt they couldn’t stay over. How do we deal with this.. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

  17. This is excellent advice, appreciate the educated perspective 👍 keep up the awesome work u do 🙂

  18. Question: I love my kid. She needs to eat. She won’t eat even if we give her what she wants. She’s only five. What’s a good consequence? I can’t have her go to bed hungry every night. All I have been able to come up with is “you can sit at the table and eat this dinner or… I am at a loss”.

  19. This may be a silly question, but when giving the two choices, do we let them know before hand that there will be consequences for choosing the less preferred option? Like, say… “You can choose to sit and do schoolwork with me, or you can choose to leave, but if you leave, ____ will happen?” My 3 and 4 year olds are very stubborn and I just found your videos and really want to try your methods! I just want to be sure to do them correctly. 🙂

  20. Nice explaination sir. Only, when we agree to allow the teenagers to go anywhere without our permission, no doubt they will learn from the consequences but because there is some danger we are disagreeing so even if they are going on their own, we must keep a constant track of where they are by giving them their cell phone and calling or texting often. As the consequences can be disastrous.

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