How To Control My Temper With My Child

Multiple requests for this one. “Dr. Paul,
how do I control my anger with my child?” Sounds pretty important. I’ve got some
really good tips for you today. When people talk about temper, they usually
mean anger which for me is tied into brain physiology. Your brain is designed
to take care of you. And to watch out for threat. There’s a part of your brain that
kicks you into the fight-or-flight response. Can you see how this might be
related to temper? When we feel angry or when we react in an angry way, it’s a
version of that fight-or-flight response. You don’t have to know a lot about brain
physiology to understand that the natural
mechanisms of your brain are triggering this for you. This doesn’t mean that
there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, it’s an indication that your brain is
working. It’s job is to take care of you. The problem is that sometimes we
perceive something as a threat that’s really not. Like our kids for example. Are
our kids a threat to us? Typically no. There are little people that we love and
we have a stewardship to take care of our children. They’re not some
angry bear that’s going to destroy us. But our brain specifically the limbic
system part of our brain that’s in charge of the fight-or-flight response
can’t tell the difference. It doesn’t do any thinking. And so it kicks us into
fight mode. Sometimes with people we love. It kicks us into flight mode with people
that we really want to stay together with. And that’s a little goofy but it
makes sense when you understand that that part of your brain has the job to
take care of you. And to make sure that you don’t get eaten by a bear or run
over train. You need to be able to fight or
get away when it’s important. Now, acknowledging that our kids are not a
real threat to us but our brain is probably tricking us into the same kind
of a response. That tells us the first step that we need to do in controlling
our temper with our kids. And that is giving control of your own brain. Your
brains already doing what it’s programmed to do. You can program it to
do something different. And the way this happens is through practice. I work with
police officers and law enforcement and first responders. In the trainings that I
do with them, it becomes very obvious that they can train themselves to
respond with a thinking response in situations that would normally cause
people to go into fight-or-flight. How do they do this? Well, through practice and
training. So the first tip is to calm your brain through something that
normally could or will calm your brain. Different people use different
strategies and techniques. Yoga, meditation, mindfulness. These are all
great practices that help us to calm that fight-or-flight response in our
brain and put us back into thinking mode. One of the quickest ways I know to get
there is through breathing. Just nice deep focused breaths on purpose. In
through the nose hold, out through the mouth, nice and slow.
Simple technique that as you practice will help to calm your brain. And that’s
the whole point. Now, breathing doesn’t solve anything. What it does is it puts
your brain in position to solve anything. And to do the other suggestions that I’m
going to give you on this video. So, let’s move on to the next one. And this gets
into the psychology. Our mind is constantly
stories about what’s going on. If you are losing your temper, it’s because you have
created a story in your own mind that this is not the way it should be.
You might even endorse that as you hear it from my lips. You might think, “Well,
it’s not the way it should be, Dr. Paul. My kid is misbehaving. My kids not
listening to me. My kid is doing this or doing that.” Okay, and you’ve created a
story in your own mind that that’s not the way it should be.
How should a kid act? Well, kind of like your kids acting maybe. Because kids do
this, right? What if we were to adopt a different story? A different story that
says something like, “You know what? This is exactly as it should be.” Acknowledging
that it may not be the way you want it or the way ideally you would have things
play out. But accepting the way things are changes you. And you get to show up
differently. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at
change. And we get into thinking errors all the time. I think it’s a thinking
error to tell ourselves a story that this is not the way it should be. There’s
all kinds of arguments that, “Oh, yeah. This is kind of how things roll on this
planet that we call home.” So, connect with that for a minute. What story are you
telling yourself? And can you practice a different story that would allow you to
remain in control of your own emotional reactions? I mentioned mindfulness
earlier. Here’s another powerful concept that I think is going to make a big
difference. Stay in the now. I was recently exposed
to some research that’s been done about anxiety and how we get wrapped up in
knots sometimes emotionally. And what these
researchers connected it to was departing from the now. Like when
you’re doing a task. Let’s say that you’re vacuuming the floor, washing the
dishes, doing the laundry or whatever. Some seemingly meaningless tasks or some
mundane thing that you just have to get through. What people often will do is
check out from the here and now and check into something else. So we start
thinking about the future and what’s going to happen and am I ready for this
event that’s coming up? Or what’s going to play out this afternoon or tomorrow
or next week? Or our mind gets sucked into the past. “I did that. And I’m so
ashamed of… Or this thing happened and I can’t let this go.” When we get pulled
into the future or into the past, we experience anxiety or fear or worry
because of what might happen. And we don’t know we’re imagining that, we’re
projecting it. But we get sucked into that future mode and we feel anxiety and
fear and worry. Or we get sucked into the past and we start feeling guilt and
shame and regret. Stay in the now. Because right now things are good.
Is that true? Right now, I mean in this moment, is anything lacking for you?
Whatever your answer is to that just notice that your mind is concluding
something about that. I had one of my clients say, “Well, I’m kind of hungry.”
Okay, so you’re hungry. But are you okay right now? Like right in this moment, are
you good? “Oh, yeah. I’m good now. I just need to eat soon.” See? And then the mind
gets pulled into the future. Or “Well, I’m feeling kind of bad about what I said to
my husband this morning.” Oh, this morning is in the past. It’s not now. Are you okay
now? “Well, right now, yeah.” I believe that everything’s okay right now.
And if it’s not okay, probably it’s because you’re in pain or something like
that. But even then, if you’re in pain, pain is an indicator to us that we need
to change something because if we don’t stop it, we’re not going to be okay
in the future. Maybe in the near future. But I can tolerate it right now. Wrap
your head around that for a little bit because I think as we stay in the now, it
puts us in position to have a much different experience with temper. Right
now, things are good. And then one final thought for today’s video. It has to do
with your job. What is your job as a parent? You know where I’m going with
this. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. Sometimes our
frustration that causes the temper to flare up is because we get distracted
and we think our job is to make sure that they whatever. Make sure that they
do their job. Make sure that they are productive citizens. Make sure that they
don’t fight and argue with each other. Make sure that they obey. Make sure that
they’re happy. Oh, My heavens! This is an exhausting impossible task. Because as
good as you are as a parent, you suck at that job of making sure that they (whatever). And
this causes you to feel a surge in temper. Am I right about that? Notice it
and get back to your job which is to love them no matter what and even if.
Even if they’re disrespecting you. Even if they’re not listening to you. Even if
they’re fighting with each other and completely blowing off all their
responsibilities. You can do your job. And that helps to eliminate the
psychological reasons for the temper flaring up in the first place. It’s not
your job to make sure that they anything. It’s your job to love them no
matter what and even if. Hey, parents. If you haven’t
yet, please come join us at the Parenting Power-Up. There’s a link right over there. This is a course that Vicki and I have collaborated to provide for you to give
you the tools and the strategies and the philosophy that you need to stay in
control of yourself. And to show up in a more powerful way for your kids. Join our
positive parenting community by clicking on the Parenting Power-Up. Go there now. go

21 thoughts on “How To Control My Temper With My Child

  1. My job as a parent is …….

    To Love My Kids ,,,,,, No Matter What And Even IF.


  2. To remember that β€œthis is exactly how it should be” I say out loud ideally in a kind tone of voice my kids and age and whatever it is that is that is β€œmaking me” angry. For example, β€œ8 year old boy you are jumping on the couch and spilling the milk on the carpet….” say my son’s age out loud reminds my brain that this is normal, not ok, but also not an emergency. It can be handled calmly.

  3. I tell ALL my friends about your videos. I don't take for granted what a valuable resource this is Dr Paul. I hope you grow & grow.
    Much appreciation πŸ™

  4. Another good one! I just have to learn how to actually apply them in the moment… how to choose to apply them…

  5. Very powerful video Dr.Paul,thank you so much for doing this video,because sometimes i personally get angry so fast with my child.

  6. I'm a single mom and my daughter is a special child. there's a lot of stuff to do. and I can't concentrate on doing them cause she cries all the time. but I tried all these to calm down. it helped me a lot. . . thanks.

  7. So right what u are telling it are the stories who are all errors

    Thank u sooooo much ur words are πŸ‘ŒπŸΌ

  8. You always put things into perspective for me and help me relax my overactive mind. I overthink everything and always doubt myself. You make me feel better and i thank you from the bottom of my heart πŸ’•

  9. Thanks mr. Paul. Maybe when i am a real mother, i can love a children. I do a favor for my sister to Baby sitting my niece, 4 years old. I always lose my temper. She has a bad behavior, her word so rude, just like her mom. I cant handle it. Im so mad and hate my niece, maybe she become just look alike her mom which i dont like either. I love her, she's my sister. But her attitude, i dont. Your tips is helping… But i still do not know what to do to"fix" her behavior, words will come out of her mouth..

  10. I try to remember to pray if I'm feeling angry. This video helped me to remember to put this into practice. Thank you Dr Paul!

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