Aww shit. Wait a minute.
I’m suppose to try to be more chillax. Hmmmm…
Aww fuck this. Everybody knows a Xannie works much faster.
I got some fast action ones from Guadalajara. Samoa, my drag queen friend,
she gets them for me. You know them drag queens?
The can get ya anything! HEY!
Howdy, y’all! Hey, hey, hey, howdy!
This here Loretta Jenkins and on this How I Seize It,
we gonna talk about the different ways I’m tryin’ to deal with my anger issues.
I know, right? I ain’t got issues.
I got a daggo subscription! So somebody told me
I could get picked up by a talent scout and go mainstream,
if I just wasn’t so damn mad all the time. So this is friendly me…
Fuck it. Fuck this fake-assedness.
You know what? To all my critics out there?
It is my God-given right to bitch, okay? I’d rather be some cult underground hero
than I would be one of them damn Hollywood sellouts!
Cause at least my folks come back knowin’ what they gonna get.
The truth! And nothin’ but the truth!
The real me is mad as hell 24/7! And if y’all wasn’t neither,
you’d be watchin’ Teletubbies or some other shit!
I will be releasin’ HISIs upon y’all until I get struck dead.
So get used to me or check the fuck out.
(gunshot) I know some of y’all
click this ‘Anger Management’ video thinkin’ I was gonna give Charlie Sheen
another 5 minutes of fuckin’ free publicity. But to hell with that!
I done wasted one HISI on him. Has y’all ever notice when I does
a HISI on somebody they live, they stay alive…
And if I don’t, they die. That is freaky as fuck, man.
There’s this one gal… Mary, we’ll call her.
She like tell me every single day, well you need to be nicer
and I’m like WHY?!? Ain’t like anyone what raised me
showed me an ounce of respect. Or kindness!
This just who I am. My momma was a bitch.
I’m a bitch. And wherever that youngin’ is
what I left behind the Sak-N-Sudz, she probably a bitch, too!
(burps) That’s why I abandoned her,
cause I hate bitches, like literally. I mean seriously now,
I tried to get my anger management under handle, but that’s just like tryin’ to
jump on a greased pig or take candy from a fat youngin’!
Shoot, they’ll chew your arm off. You’ll draw back a nub!
That’s why we gotta get youngins off sugar! Maybe then the plague kills off
all the morons and the Fox News watchers… Maybe then I could chill
but until then? Sheeeesh!
Til then I’m gonna keep the Sak-N-Sudz, the Coors lights
and the recyclin’ business in business with my ragin’ crazy!
Shoot, if I hold back my anger, I’m liable to have a stroke
or an embolism. Some shit like that.
Just keel flat over. So I thank y’all
for needing’ to hear my gospel and tunin’ in regular.
Cause that way I get to relieve my stress and get closer to fame-
Even closer than I am. So everybody benefit.
But would it kill y’all to send me some goddamn beer money!
I been askin’ y’all that for four fuckin’ years!
In case you couldn’t tell, anger management is a bullshit term.
Like Tort Reform or Jumbo Shrimp
or Intelligent Design… Believe me,
I tried every way reasonable to get my blood pressure down
besides bitchin’ on shit. First I tried mediation,
but I always get bored and then I pass out
and then I singe my hair on one of them goddamn celestial mood candles.
I tried to get massages, but damn- I can’t take but about five minutes
of gropin’ before I need to get dicked down! Y’all know what I mean?
And apparently massages is a legitimate thing now.
You ain’t guaranteed a little somethin’-somethin’ with your hourly fee.
When’d that happen? Hell I don’t need no $100/hr headshrinker
when I got a captive audience right here just to tell me I got a damn mean streak
just cause I got bullied and didn’t have no mama
what loved me unconditionally. I mean I know that!
I don’t need that part pointed out. I hate her!
I’m dealin’ with it! But it’s gettin’ better.
This here? This here’s the only thing
the drug companies ever got right. Hell I probably wouldn’t
even have no issues if I could just like zap that bitch
out of my mind. Eh fuck it!
Even if I died tomorrow, at least I know that I come here
and I said what I came here to say for and I said it!
How many of you afraid-to-rock-the-boat,
kiss-ass bitches can make that claim? Yeah!
Not many! And that’s How I Seize It.
And you know I’m goddamn right. And if you don’t,
just fuck off!