Handling Temper Tantrums – Conscious Discipline Skills

Welcome to Conscious Clips on our time
together. Today we’re going to talk about temper
tantrums. Now there’s a number of reasons children have temper tantrums: First, they’re very developmentally
normal for children up to three years of age. And young children at that time, they’re
going to have a temper tantrum from an urgent need that is not met or when they’re
tired, hungry bored, or frustrated. Older children over the age of three have temper
tantrums for different reasons. Generally they have them because they have been given into, they’ve had a tantrum earlier in their life and it’s worked for them so they continued that
skill as a strategy of getting their way. They have one for unrealistic
expectations of parents, inappropriate discipline that’s a little
bit too punitive or too permissive and also when they are fatigued they
will do that, and the last one is when they’ve had too
much stress in their life. Those of you who have had children, maybe one or
more children, you might say, “Well how come one child has more temper tantrums
than another?” Well this is based on a number of things:
First, it is based on the temperament of the child. Some kids are just
born easy temperament, they’re easy to regulate, they go to sleep well,
they eat well, they’re just very easy children. Other children are born with a very
difficult temperament, it’s hard to soothe them, they’re finicky eaters, they’re finicky sleepers,
when they get upset they can’t calm as easily as other children, and the last
one again a stressors. Inconsistent routines, inappropriate
discipline, unrealistic expectations, divorce, child-care, death in the family,
depression. All these things will affect the amount,
number and intensity of tantrums that children will have. So
how best can we respond to temper tantrums? The first thing I want you to hear
and I want you to hear it very, very clearly is there’s no right way to do it.
Different things will be appropriate for different children. But in general, these are some strategies
that will be helpful: The first thing to understand is temper
tantrums are a non-verbal communication. We all recognize them. The
face is red, they’re wailing, the arms are going, they’re holding
their breath, they’re screaming. We recognize a temper tantrum. So what are they trying to say? Generally
they’re going to say “I’m overwhelmed. I can’t handle this.” The
second one is “I’m trying a strategy that worked last time and I’m wondering if it’s gonna work
this time ’cause you gave in last time so all I got to do is scream and shout, long enough, hard enough, and ultimately
I’m going to get what I want.” So one its developmental I’m overwhelmed, and two you’ve taught the child to have
these tantrums. So we respond to these almost in similar
ways: The first thing to do is to unhook
ourselves. So again we’re going to be a S.T.A.R., we’re not going to get triggered, we’re going to
take a deep breath and we’re going to calm ourselves. Sometimes just calming ourselves puts some
calming energy around the child. The second thing we’re going to do is it
we’re going to offer empathy and we’re going to start with the
body. Your arms are going like this, your face
is like this, your body’s telling me I feel so frustrated. So I’m going to say those words
again so you can get them: Your arms are going like this, your face
is all scrunched up, your body is telling me I really
wanted to watch this or I am so tired, whatever your best
guess is. And from that situation then, you’re going to actually just leave the
child alone if that seems what would be best for
them or you going to pick the child up, put them to your body and say nothing
but breathe at first and then you’re going to say “You’re safe, you can handle this, I’ve got you. You’re safe, you can handle this, I’ve got you.” Once
the temper tantrum is over, whatever the original trigger was, the child does not get out of anything. If
they threw a fit about taking their fork to the sink, once the temper
tantrum is over, give them a choice, “You can carry the
fork over in this hand or you can carry the fork
in this hand to the sink. Which is best with you?” If it was about wearing blue pants as
opposed to green pants, once it’s over there gonna put the green
pants on, just give them a choice, “Do you want to put them on when sitting on the
floor, or would it be easier to stand up and put
your pants on?” The temper tantrum does not allow a child to get out doing something. So why not just let
the child flop around on the floor like a fish outta water and ignore quote the bad behavior? We
want to offer empathy, we want to offer breathing because it’s gonna help the child learn
how to get from the lower centers of their brain to the higher centers of their brain and
we’re providing that methodology, and internalize it in the child
that they can use the rest of their life. So here’s your homework: When you see a child in a grocery store and it’s not even yours, here’s what you can practice, just
breathe and wish that child well in that family. Put some calmness into the energy as
opposed to “What the heck are they doing?” Add your calmness to the situation. If
it’s your own child, unhook, do not take it personally, take
some breath add some calmness to the chaos with
your own energetic being. Say to the child, “Oh, your hands, your
feet are going like this, your face looks like this, your body’s telling me this was just, I’m just so tired and so
hungry.” And then depending on the temperament of
the child you’re either going to leave them alone, give them some space, or you’re going to scoop them up and put them
on your chest, relax and say, “You’re safe, you’re safe, I’ve got you, you can handle this.” And then
once the temper tantrum is over they’re gonna go back and complete the
task that triggered them to begin with. Until
next time I wish you well.

12 thoughts on “Handling Temper Tantrums – Conscious Discipline Skills

  1. I came across this video mentally preparing myself to watch my friend's children this afternoon. Thank you for posting. I have watched the two boys together only once without their mother, at which time I had trouble with tantrums from the younger one.

  2. You are amazing! I applaud you and your kindness. I love when you tell people to breathe and send good and calm energy to a chaotic situation. You are an enlightened being.
    I have a channel on youtube as well: Danny Bastos TV
    God bless you and your life!

  3. When she was saying that we should tell to a child "you can handle this" I realised that a child has the feeling that he cannot handle something, some strong emotion, that is hard to cope with… That's interesting how some adults still cannot cope with their emotions, and how parents can actually help their children, the future adults to handle their emotions and feelings.

  4. Wow this is very encouraging I will definitely have the opportunity to try this the next time we are in the store.

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