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Hey everybody, happy Thursday. Now today’s question actually comes from my website Often when I’m in there I usually am in there on a Tuesday morning answering your questions in the “submit a video idea” tab. I will pull out questions from that tab and hold them for a Thursday video. So the question today is: Hey Kati, how do we go about resolving issues that might lead to anxiety in the background with others, when we don’t really want that person in our life anymore. I’m going through a lot of change and past relationships are causing me anxiety. But I don’t want to rekindle, or put my energy back into, those relationships. I want to say sorry where needed and in a gentle manner end the relationship. This is especially tricky with many narcissistic types in my life and I find it, it’s hard speaking to them without giving proof of your rejection of them”, and in parentheses it says, “also something I don’t want to do is hurt them or restart the emotional abuse cycle”.
And I really want to talk about this, because weve talked about rekindling relationships, setting boundaries, but we haven’t talked about what do we do if we find past relationships are causing us angst and upset in our current therapy and we feel like maybe we can’t move forward or we’re just feeling icky about it and we’re stuck. So what do we do, because we don’t want them in our lives anymore, but how do we move forward. And the truth about it is that we don’t actually have to talk to them about it. The people in our past, those assholes that are giving us the anxiety now, we don’t have to talk to them and actually say sorry, where it may put us back in danger. And I know that sounds like really dramatic, like “Oh I’m not really in danger”, but you potentially could restart that emotional abuse cycle, like the person in this question stated. Therefore know that you in no way have to say sorry and try to nicely end the relationship. That’s an ideal scenario, but in many I find the best thing we can do is actually just talk it out in therapy Journal about the loss, journal about the things we’re sorry about Maybe write a letter. Anything that disconnects them from us, so we don’t start that engagement again. There is no way for them to get a hold of us. And so my overall advice for this question is: to, number one, assess what’s right for you. You know: YOU! The one you’re working on. You’re doing al this stuff in therapy. Think about what’s best for you, only you, nobody else! Because we can never control someone else’s reaction or response, to what we’re feeling and thinking. Yes, we can potentially reach out, if it feels safe, if it’s okay, but if we don’t know that, if it could be potentially be more hindering, pull us back into a really nasty emotionally abusive relationship or toxic friendship, whatever it may be, it’s going to pull us back and it’s probably not the best thing. So assess that, think about it. Okay? What’s best for me? Then the second thing I want you to do, is to take time, so if you are considering maybe talking to them. I want you to journal about it I want you to write letters you don’t send I want you to talk in therapy about what happenend, how you’re feeling. Because often the anxiety and upset, that continues to happen from past relationships is just the fact that we haven’t been given the time or given ourselves the time to process through it and so we may be doing a lot of the things I talked about in that selfhate-video, I’ll link it in the description, but where our brain like takes all things we’ve done we’re embarrassed about or upset about or we hate what we did and we feel really bad and it like keeps replaying it. Often that’s something we have to work through. Yes, we can say sorry we’re applicable, but if it’s not safe for us, we’re going to have to process through so we forgive ourselves. And the final piece of advice that I have to give is: Give yourself time. These relationships, this hurt, this anxiety didn’t happen over night. The things you’ve gone through, didn’t just pop into your life. So you need to give yourself the ability to process through it. Know that it is okay, it’s okay to feel anxiety, it’s okay to miss them sometimes, even if it abusive. That’s all part of our process. I find it the most beneficial thing is honestly to talking it out with a therapist, giving yourself the time to process it and knowing wherever you land on it, however long it takes you to grieve it, to grieve the loss of a friendship, to forgive yourself. That that’s your process and however long it takes is perfectly fine. I hope you found this helpful. As always leave in the comments what has helped you move past those unhealthy, nasty relationships, that we keep kind of feeling like maybe we should say sorry or we need to make amends in some way. How have you gotten through past that. Let us know and if you new to my channel klick here to subscribe! I put out twice a week and you don’t want to miss them. And I will see you next time, bye! Subtitles by the Amara.org community

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