Drake of the 99 Dragons – Angry Video Game Nerd: Episode 158

[♫ 8-bit AVGN theme ♫] [♫ mystic asian music♫ ] … Oh, hey. I’ve just been meditating to summon
the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the
courage… to play today’s game. And this is one that I’ve gotten
tons of requests for, and I’ve been dreading the day when this
game is old enough for me to review. “Drake of the 99 Dragons.” This game is what you get if
somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing
late 90’s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into
a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction,
and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of
99 percent bullshit! This game was supposed to spawn a comic book
series and a TV show, kinda like Cheetahmen, but it was so shitty,
it faded into obscurity. The first thing you see after
the game boots up is the Majesco logo. At least I think that’s what it is,
because it’s blurry as fuck! Seriously! Did they do that on purpose?! Maybe they wanted to blur the logo, so
nobody would know they had anything to do with this miserable manifestation
of demon semen and Reese’s feces. It’s a shame, because the artwork
is actually kinda cool! It has a Saturday morning animation
or indie comic vibe to it. Then you see the cutscenes,
which look atrocious. This is two years into the Xbox’s life,
and this was the best they could do? But ooh boy, let me tell ya,
I haven’t even started playing yet, so let’s pick up the Duke here, this big-ass
tank fuckin’ controller, and let’s get started. ‘cuz it’s gonna get fucked… The slightest movement of the control pad
makes his arms flail all over the place! Why would they do that?! I understand the game was developed
under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in
at least ONCE and say; “This controls like ass.” So, after jumping around,
shooting at nothing for a minute, you finally kill the first bad guy
and get another awkward cutscene. This is where the voice acting
gets real good. DRAKE: “… I sense a presence inside it. A soul?” “W-what was that?” “Intruders in the penthouse
of the 99 Dragons Clan?!” “You must be out of this world
to get past our guards!” The hell does that mean? So then Drake runs in
and does absolutely nothing, while some ninja ghost Grim Reaper
guy steal some kryptonite, and then more awful voice acting. MASTER: “This theft can’t be Tang’s doing alone!” “He must have aid
from beyond this world!” DRAKE: “The artifact! It can’t be gone!” Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they’re actually talking, or it’s some kind of inner monologue. So anyway, now we’re onto
the first actual level of the game. “Chase down the Ghost Ass-assin.” You run around smashin’
the trigger buttons as fast as you can, while Drake swings his arms around
and hopefully hits the targets. A little tip here: NEVER switch weapons. Like here, I picked up some machine guns, so of course I’m going to
switch to them, but look! They don’t hit anything! And I die! And I’m only fighting two guys. I emptied a total of four machine guns, and hit nothing. What the fuck?! And the game’s not hard;
it’s actually really easy, but it’s so broken,
and glitchy, and weird, and you’re swinging your arms
around li-like crazy, and th-then, then… you’re clickin’
the buttons like this, le-let’s listen; [ trigger clicking noises ] You like hearin’ that?! So all this, with the bad controls,
and everything all combined, is a 5-star recipe
for your declining sanity. So after you restart, you begin
to adjust to the shit controls and vomit-inducing camera angles. But make sure you have a barf bag
on hand for this game. [ heaving and vomiting profusely ] … ugh, excuse me. After the bad guy goes through the window,
you find out that somehow, even though you were running
all around the fucking building, you died in the same room you started. Oh, and your master’s also dead. DRAKE: “All dead…!” “Noooooooooo!” So now, to add to the cliché list,
you’re an undead chosen one, who has to avenge his master’s death. Never heard that one before! Being undead also gives you the ability to run off walls, which takes the game’s controls from shitty,
to crusty-ass crack barnacle shitty! Look at that; the game doesn’t know
what to do with itself! So you run around, collecting 30 balls, and then Drake, hopped up on roid rage,
throws himself out a WINDOW, and dies! STATUE: “Obviously.” [ stammering ] This is where the game’s most
frustrating feature comes into play, the Serene Garden. Here, you meet four asshole statues who insult you, and then send you back to the
normal world to get your revenge. But the thing about this place that really
sucks shit soda through a straw, is that everytime you die,
first you get a loading screen, and then you go back here
for ten seconds, listen to one of the statues
talk shit about you, STATUE: “There’s no cure for stupidity
beyond death.” Yeah, well, fuck you too,
you fuckin’ statues! And then go back to the cutscene
before the level. So now, I’m chasing the artifact again, but the Ghost hands it to some guy,
and you chase him all over the place. You need to shoot him,
and then follow the blood trail through the streets of… whatever
generic Asian city you’re in. Watch out for the firetruck bus things
that keep tryin’ to hit you, and also, this is where I ran
into my first actual glitch. So while I was chasin’ this dude,
he got hung up on some wall, and then he just ran
into a pit of acid. Good job, Majesco. This level, simply put,
is annoying. The sounds of the cars are loud, and you can still hear them
inside the buildings. [ loud traffic ] And why is that truck going backwards
in the middle of the road?! It’s in the middle of the road
goin’ backwards! After you finish the level,
you run into a fireworks factory where you shoot another hundred things
while shit flies everywhere. In this level are the slowest
platforms ever made. O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture
of a horse takin’ a shit, out of horse shit, in the time
it takes to get up there! Once you finally get up there, you just fight
your way into this room where you kill everyone, and um… just die in an explosion. Yeah, whatever. Alright, next level. This level’s just a clusterfuck. From the beginning, shit’s flyin’
at you everywhere, you’re constantly running and jumping
off walls, and getting stuck in walls… Look at this! I didn’t mean to
run in here, and now I’m stuck. The door won’t open, and now I have to run
the clock out until I die, and restart the level. I could just load another game, but I fucked up
and I haven’t been saving this whole time. So now, I gotta sit in this room,
for over eight minutes. Kill me. The end of this level has a boss fight, and man, let me tell you about
the boss fights in this game. For a while, I had no idea
what to do, because when you shoot the boss,
there’s no indication you’re even hitting him. I thought maybe there’s some trick
or something, but then, after hammering the triggers
over and over again ’til my fingers are numb, the mission… just ends. The next level is just a fetch quest. Collect keycards to open doors,
and find the exit. It’s annoying, it’s boring,
and everytime you use the card, a message pops up to tell you
that you used the card, and stays on the screen
for what feels like an hour. You gotta love this dance floor area, with that jammin’ three second loop. Can you imagine going to a nightclub,
and the only song playing is a three-second loop
of auditory anal greese? [♫ generic three-second disco loop ♫] [ shoes skidding across the dance floor ] One thing I forgot to mention, because
I couldn’t figure how to do it until now, is Drake has the ability
to freeze time, but it freezes and slows YOU down, too! So you end up taking hits
either way. By this point, the game ramps up the difficulty
and frustration to the highest possible level. Enemies teleport outta nowhere, and this is the very beginning
of the stage. The game fills each room with as
many enemies as fucking possible, and now, they’re even more powerful! This is the very beginning of the level,
and I’m dead! The worst part is that the level also begins
to focus more on platform jumping! This is where the problems in the game
REALLY mount up, and it just… builds inside you
with all this RAGE, and you become…
just BOILING SO FUCKIN’ HOT! It’s not like you’re in Hell;
you’ve become Hell! Bad people die, and they go into you! This level is based on riding
elevators and making jumps, but Drake does whatever
the fuck he feels like! Also, if you fall from too high,
you die! I almost CRIED, tryin’
to beat this elevator level, and I’m not ashamed to admit that! Because if this game doesn’t bring you to the
verge of spilling rage-filled tears of anger, then you CAN’T be human. This level has you flying through the air
on fans, tryin’ to reach the right door. Sometimes the fans work, and
sometimes you go right through it! And sometimes, the fan’s so powerful, it
shoots you up the the ceiling and kills you! It’s one of those sometimes-sometimes games. Sometimes you’ll struggle not to
tear out your eyelashes, and sometimes you’ll throw the Xbox
out the fuckin’ window! Another thing I don’t get, is
every time you start the level, the camera faces towards Drake, so
you start off goin’ in the wrong direction. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s annoying,
especially when you fight this robot boss. I mean, look at this!
The level hasn’t even started, and I get hit, losing
almost 20 health! How is that fair?! I mean, shit’s flyin’ all over the place,
I don’t even know what’s hitting me! And before I know it, I’m dead! What the fuuucck?! I froze time before I died,
and it’s still frozen. So you defeat the boss,
you rescue your master, and now you gotta go
down into the subway, and… [ screaming ] WHAT THE FUCK?! [ stammering ] I-I-I-I can’t fuckin’ stand this! I- I would cheat, but they didn’t
even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can’t
even program a fuckin’ game?! [ stammering ] [ sigh ] Whether you have the patience,
or just fuckin’ hate yourself, it IS possible to make to the end. The game may be unplayable, but it isn’t impossible. When you get there, get ready for the culmination
of all the shit you’ve experienced so far in concentrated anal suppository form. The final levels are all the same,
with some minor differences. Each level begins with a stroll down Satan’s shit chute, and ends with the most frustrating platforming so far. At the end, you fight a boss. But here’s the thing; at the beginning of the level, it says: “You can only damage the Ghost when using the slow- or freeze motion abilities.” Well, I’m gonna tell ya, right now: That’s a complete fuckin’ lie. It’s probably why you fight ‘im
on a giant mound of bullshit, too. I wonder if the Ghost Ass is actually
the Bullshit Man in disguise. So anyway, don’t listen to what the game says. Just shoot the fuck out of ‘im, until the game decides: “Meh, it’s had enough”, and ends the level. After you kill ‘im, you have to grab the
artifact, and equip it to fly around. But go too slow, and ya get too dead! If you manage to do it right,
you fly around like a fuckin’ idiot, grabbing blue balls in the void of Hell. It’s hard to die here, and it’s
pretty pointless, but whatever. Alright, this is it! The final boss!
Almost free from this Hellhole. It’s time to slay the Spirit Lord Supreme! This boss is a metric ton of fuck! Convert that, and you got 2205
pounds of pure fuck-shit-pissness! But I’m here! We’ve come this far, and it’s time to end this! I dunno if it’s a glitch, but when you don’t
face the boss, he won’t hit you as much. Shoot the bones until that weird techno music kicks in, and unleash all the fury of the Undying Dragon
on the Spirit Lord Supreme! And ya know what? I know I said
not to use the machine guns… … but here? Let’s do it! I love this plan! See ya on the other side! [ ineffectual machine gun fire] STATUE 1: “He returns!”
STATUE 2: “With the artifact.” I’ve done it! I’ve fulfilled the prophecy! I’ve avenged my master! I am the One! Woah! [♫ techno music ♫] [ gunshots ] [ gunshots ] STATUE: “Become one with the Undying Dragon, Nerd.” “Then the power will be yoooours.” [ gunshots and explosions ]

100 thoughts on “Drake of the 99 Dragons – Angry Video Game Nerd: Episode 158

  1. You know that joke some people do about that if you put Bethesda's name on the cover, people will instantly begin defending it? This game is (sadly) still genuinely a lot better made than the Bethesda games I played, and (even sadder), it looks better than the ones they made with Arkane, to boot. If that crap factory's name was on it, it'd have two sequels, and hundreds of Youtube channels dedicated solely to it.

  2. At the end of the video to the right of the TV, the Nerd has a Wireless Air 60. In other words… Please review it Nerd!

  3. A truck in the middle of the road going backwards and it goes just as fast as it would if it were going forward?????!.
    One is the answer …. Big rigs!!!!!!!!!!.

  4. Let me be VERY clear on this Nerd… Have been playing video games since the early 80's, the Xbox controller is hardly the worst controller ever made!!!

  5. Best moments in Nerd vids are normally when he inserts himself into the game or acts out game logic, but the ending of this one is so amazing I can't look past it, how is game disc wearing trenchcoat wiggling rubber hose arms firing pistols not a gif used constantly?

  6. 7:57 Kind of like in the Trancers movies how when Jack Deth uses the long second watch, everything moves in slow motion, including him, even though he’s supposed to be the only one moving normally (from his point of view)

  7. The game designers were so inspired from the game design of big rigs they threw in an easter egg to play homage. . never seen this game before but this episode made me laugh very had.

  8. Hey Nerd, can you PLEASE review Doom 2016?

    IRL: Hey James, I think it would be awesome to see the Nerd react to the perfection that is Doom 2016. Maybe he plays it because someone convinces him that it’s shit. At the end of the video the Nerd is very glad he played the game before blowing the guy who had him play it to hell

  9. I know you mostly do old games but I always like it when you do newer stuff too. Some new games can still suck lol

  10. its 9:30 pm on Saturday night 8/31, .. Im high as fuck and the only think i could think of that i want to watch is AVGN, I wish there where hundreds more episodes than there are, Best show on YouTube in my opinion

  11. Drake's V taper is on point tho, as a matter of fact it looks like they animated his lat's to be permanently retracted wtf lol

  12. Drake Of The 99 Dragons…
    That is the stupidest title I've ever heard!
    It's the kind of title an idiot would give to his video game!

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