“DON’T BE DEPRESSED!”
100 Comments


You know what really gets my panties in a bunch? The fact that people have to apologize for how they feel about stuff. I get people coming to me in my various inboxes about stuff going on in their lives, and then they apologize at the end like “Sorry to be a bother. Sorry to be a burden.” Hey. You are not a burden, okay? I’m not gonna blame you for feeling the need to apologize because I feel the need to apologize constantly even though it shouldn’t be a thing. I think the reason we feel the need to apologize for how we feel is that people just don’t want to talk about feelings ever. They for sure don’t want to talk about mental illness because that’s inconvenient for them… for them, and not us who are living it of course. If I had $1 for every time I said I was depressed and somebody said “oh don’t be!” I’d be very wealthy. I would not be living in this small apartment. I’d be loaded, just living the life, you know what I mean? I try not to get mad at people for this particular mess up because it comes from a good place. I like to call it well-intentioned ignorance, but it’s still ignorance. Let’s just take mental illness out of the equation right now. If someone they’re feeling any way about anything and you say, “oh don’t be like that!” That’s dismissive as heck. If someone comes to you and tells you they’re upset about something you don’t get to tell them that they’re not upset about that thing. Or that the thing is not actually upsetting. You don’t get to do that. We’re all a little bit guilty of this. I’ve definitely been guilty of this before in my life. It’s important to remember that your experience is not universal. Just because you may feel a certain way about something, somebody else might feel a different way. And that’s okay provided no one’s getting hurt in the process. Let’s bring it back to the mental illness bit. Let’s say someone is having a panic attack. That’s not fun. Nobody wants to have those. I have seen this and had this done to me so many times, where somebody has been trying to help meaning very well, but what they’ve done instead is invalidate my feelings. And they’ve done so by telling me that there’s no reason to be freaking out, that the thing I’m stressed about isn’t actually that stressful. Honestly, in my mind, I know this. I know that, but I’m still freaking out about it right now. If somebody is feeling something, they need to have that feeling validated, so they can move forward and through it, because that’s how feelings work. Especially with feelings of stress, panic, and sadness, if you try to ignore and run away from them, they’re only going to get worse because they don’t just go away. If someone comes to you and you say something like, “Don’t be depressed!” or “Don’t be stressed about this thing,” even though you want to help and I know you want to help, you’re not helping and may be making it worse. Just don’t tell people how to feel about stuff. Listen to them, get a feel for what’s going on, and if you can help at all, go for it! If you can’t help, that’s fine because very few people expect or want other people to come in and fix their lives. Very few people want that. It’s also impossible to fix someone. People fix themselves, with help of course. People hold their hands. They push them through doors. But in the end, people fix themselves, and that’s really important for people to do. I don’t know man. I got a few messages recently and they upset me because it involved people telling people how to feel about stuff, and I don’t like that at all. If you have any thoughts on the matter, you can always leave them in the comments and I would love to hear them. That’s about it for me. I love y’all a lot. And I will see you on Friday. FWAH jamz Hey friends. If you didn’t know, I make videos every Mon and Fri. Now you know that. Subscribe for more. You can also check me out on other social networks, and I would love to see you there. Later.

100 thoughts on ““DON’T BE DEPRESSED!”

  1. Once told a person who I thought was a really good friend that I was having a very difficult time and was likely going to have to go back on medication. The answer? "I'm not a cry on the shoulder kind of gal. We make our own happiness." And that's only among a handful of REALLY STUPID THINGS people have said to me on the small handful of occasions when I felt close enough to let them know I was struggling.

    Normally I hold it all in and act as if everything is fine. Because no one, even the closest people in our lives want to hear anything otherwise. They just don't.

  2. Oh my gosh, thank you. One thing I have an issue/problem with is how to respond to someone who is talking to me about their feelings. Should I say "it'll be okay?" or should I just give them a hug? Most of the time, its through texting or some other form of digital communication, so there is no way to show them physically that I'm here for them. I guess I could say "I'm here for you" but that seems very generic, and when I hear someone tell me this, I feel like they really aren't, so I don't know if other people feel the same way about that statement. Just recently in September, I was talking someone out of suicide and once he left to get something from his house I just lost it and started crying. Its very difficult to deal with your own feelings as well as someone else's. And just letting someone know that I am there for them does go a long way, but for others, I'm unsure of what to say sometimes.

  3. Con… man I love you so much. Always speaking up about important things and by that making other people feel better & generally making the world a more understanding place. thank you for being you 🙂

  4. I truly hope a lot off the "don't be"sayers are watching this video! Gonna share this on FB to educate some of them! Great Video, Connor

  5. as a skin picker (aka dermatillomania) when i tell someone about it i am often told "well don't do that." i know they say this because they are trying to be nice and don't know what to say, but it hurts. the best experience i've had without pity or being weirded out is my best friend said trying to be funny by saying "i pick my nose." sometimes the best medicine is laughter.

  6. You're so important Connor. I look forward to all your videos because they always brighten my mood and inspire me. Today was a blue/sad/bad day for me and this was a nice thing to listen to. Keep doin you and being awesome and helpful and thank you 🙂

  7. "I like to call it well intentioned ignorance… but it's still ignorance" you get me everytime hahaha, serious topic or not, you got me😋x

  8. when I see my friends are feeling upset or depressed or really stressed what I try to do is ask them if they're ok, unless I can see that they're not. then what I usually try to say is "is there anything I can do to help?" and I try to offer to listen. if they say there's nothing I can do I remind them that I'll always be there to talk to or even if they just need someone to listen.

  9. I find this really hard for me. I have a partner with severe anxiety. And when he's panicking or stressed about something. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. And for you and him to say that I'm making it worse, breaks my heart.

  10. You posted this on the day I needed it most. Yesterday I had to call out of work because of my anxiety (it was so bad yesterday and I was in the hospital because of it) and my manager started telling me to take a pill and get over it and that mental illness isn't a reason to call out of work. Just been feeling mad as heck about it all day so this made me feel a lot better. Thanks connor.

  11. Because I deny my feels of any kind of sadness I get very awkward but people do seem to feel better I just feel awkward

  12. "if someone is feeling something, they need to have that feeling validated so that they can get through it and move on." this is one of my favorite things that you've been reinforcing lately because the more you say in your videos that all feelings are valid even if they don't reflect reality is refreshing because its something in my life lately that I need to hear and often don't get to.

  13. 😂 Hot face at the end when drinking out of that mug, but I got my friend into your videos too and it's so exciting being able to talk to someone about them!

  14. one of the kindest things we can do for another person is validate their feelings. they are feeling what they are feeling and that's ok even if it makes others uncomfortable.

  15. The info box is hilarious but…
    I have noticed he is making lots of really sad videos…and none that are happy to keep a balance
    ya know…. so when i watch someone that always makes sad but really good videos it makes me feel like it is going to make me sad OR someone else…but not if I am super happy already…yeah I don't think that made sense….

  16. I love your channel. You have original videos, and are really genuine which is uncommon nowadays. You also seem to be really good at what you do!

  17. Make a point to like all of Connor's videos, idk idc if it gives him money I hope so, videos are so relevant and make me feel so much better every time 🙂

  18. oh man I feel this so hard. like once I was hanging out with my sister and I was feeling weirdly stressed and anxious and upset and she asked me why so I listed some reasons that came to mind (even though honestly there was no real reason of course it was just my brain) and I know she wanted to help but she just said that those problems were really trivial and didn't matter and proceeded to make me feel guilty for being upset because I was ruining our time together and that didn't help at all wow

  19. I really hope that at some point in the future people will come to understand the points you have made in this video Connor and move away from "well intentioned ignorance" when it comes to mental illness and emotions that we feel! It certainly won't happen overnight, but at least we can start progressing things in the right direction 🙂 thank you as always for videos like this Connor! I'll be sure to direct people in my life towards this video when they are looking to help someone out, so that they go about it in the right way ~_^

  20. I've been having a one-sided argument with someone about this type of thing for a long time now. They don't really consider any mental function that's out of the "norm" as a real thing for a person to feel, and in my case it's very apparent that they don't take my anxiety into consideration when saying certain things or reacting to it generally.

    Trying to explain why anxiety happens isn't as straightforward as why someone could be physically injured, mainly because a lot of one's anxious thought processes don't come from something rational. Even while being aware of how irrational anxiety-driven thoughts are, it's not going to stop the panic attack if you just say any blunt form of "CALM DOWN". It really hits a nerve for me.

  21. Not sure I want to know about your panties…that being said, your really do have a way with words.  Rather brilliant, as usual!

  22. People always tell me "Well stop being anxious" and I'm just sitting there saying to myself "If it was that easy wouldn't I have already done that?" Like I know they're just saying it to say something, and that they want to help but don't know how to help, and I get that. But then people say the most ridiculous things like "Just stop being anxious" and it just irks me.

  23. For me depression feels like this ball of black matter resting between my lungs. On good days it is probably the size of a golf ball, it’s barely noticeable, but over time, I can still feel the strain. And then there are days, much like now, that It has grown, it is pressing against my lungs, my esophagus, and my heart.
    And I have been in a situation where I was told that my panic attacks, and my fear were "So fucking stupid and you'll never fucking get anywhere so grow the fuck up and get over it."
    In that moment my insides were replaced with that black matter. I was paralyzed, I couldn't move or speak. The only thing I could think was "You're right." I've never felt more shitty in my entire life.

  24. I really like this video, and God I wish I could send this to basically all my friends cause it would be so useful, but I bet I would seem like a bitch if I did that…

  25. I have really bad anxiety attacks when I stress about something waaaay more than necessary in that situation and I can't tell you how many times I've had a melt down resulting in me hyperventilating and crying my eyes out. I'm lucky to have a mom that knows how to calm me down from my anxiety attacks. I know people with the same problems who's parents just get mad at them for the attacks or tell them that they are just being over dramatic or faking it. And that really sucks. Not too long ago, my mom was one of the parents, due to the fact that she hadn't ever witnessed one of my anxiety attacks herself, but last week I had one while talking to her about school. I'm lucky that my mom knew what was happening soon after it started because she used to have the same problems with anxiety and depression as a teen herself. So because she finally saw it happen to me and knew instantly what was happening she was able to find a way to physically touch me in a way that wouldn't make things worse and grab my focus enough to talk me through regulating my breathing and calming down enough to function properly. and I am honestly so glad she knew what to do so fast, not only due to the fact that I most likely would've either been physically sick or passed out if she hadn't but also because thanks to that I now actually know how to possibly calm someone else down if I need to in a similar situation. Knowing how to calm someone down from a panic attack or anxiety attack isn't something you can just know. It's something you need to learn how to do it in a way that works for the person and see it done, to fully understand how to help someone that isn't in a functional state of mind at the time.

  26. I'm not always sure how to respond when people are depressed etc, but I will usually say: Well that really sucks. I think – since I haven't suffered clinical depression I shouldn't try to relate it to periods where I've been depressed. And there's nothing I can say to that.
    I had an ex who was depressed for a long time and I've noticed in myself and in other people that this kind of periodic depression often results in the person closing themselves off from the world, and just sit inside all day. In that kind of depression, just going out and being busy really helps, and tends to make you feel better.
    I've also noticed this in my clinically depressed friend. He got a job as a chef and now he's working a loooooooot – and he's really been a lot less depressed since he started.
    Anyway that's my backwards way of saying – try to do something and maybe you won't be as depressed. But I never end up telling depressed people this because I don't want to be overstepping.

  27. THANK YOU! I this mostly from my mum, about almost 2 years ago something very traumatizing happened to me at party, now when ever i go to a party or go out to the pub ect. I get the worst anxiety before i get there especially if I'm arriving alone and she simply 'don't stress its just pre-party gitters' and i know she means well but it makes so angry every time, and whenever i try to explain it too her she tells me i'm over reacting, she knows what I've been through and that it will effect me for possibly my whole life and she just doesn't get it and it's just so frustrating that no one gets it.

  28. UGH yes being told not to worry about something is the worst. i KNOW 90% of the shit i worry about is completely irrational, and man i wish just realizing that would make me stop worrying but you saying that just makes me feel worse a h h h

  29. Good one. Dismissing other peoples' feelings Is commonplace in our culture. I think it comes from a lack of deep respect for the other and a sort of hypermasculinized emotional vacuity.

  30. I was kind of expecting a Cameron Dallas namedrop tbh lol. But I loved the message of this video. "People fix themselves." Such an important thing to remember always.

  31. Hey Connor I was wondering if you have any advice on how do deal with shitty situation that you can get out of? And then you're stuck with that mentality that someone is going to come into your life and fix it even though you know that life doesn't work that was so yeah just a bit of a pickle! xx

  32. I have a tendency to invalidate my oen feelings when it comes to anxiety. It's like, I don't feel that I'm bad enough, and therefore it's not something I can worry about

  33. Hey Connor would you mind doing a video on dating with mental illness?? Your videos help me so much so I'd love to hear what you have to say on the matter.

  34. "No, I think your problem actually is…."
    "We all feel upset sometimes"
    "You just need to make an effort"
    "It all comes down to personal choice"
    The marvellous quartet every mentally ill person wants to hear, judging by how often these are said :')

  35. this is so important and made things ive felt very clear. thank you. i dont know why i stopped watching your videos they are great

  36. Oh my glob you literally expressed everything I'm feeling right now haha. Everyone is constantly telling me my life isn't that bad but that's based off of their experiences, not mine. They have no idea what it's like to be me not many people do. Everyone is constantly trying to help. I just want someone to hold my hand, you know? Ugh anyways, (I was gonna apologize lol) I hope you are okay Conor and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here like actually this hoes for anyone reading this: I'm here for you if you need me. No matter what is wrong I'll try my best to help by listening and comforting you and if you want advice I may be able to give you some. Thanks Connor 🙂

  37. That part about the panic attacks and the whole "hey, there's nothing to be freaking out about" totally gave me a bunch of deja-vu scenarios.

    Also, an environment where people don't do that type of stuff is really REALLY nice for people who tend to be at a loss in regards to dealing with and expressing their emotions – unfortunately far too many people are absolutely terrible in dealing with this type of stuff.

  38. this is the first video I've ever seen of you, and I'm just wondering how in the world I haven't seen you sooner. awesome video.

  39. I really appreciate your videos, Connor. On some level, one way or another, they have an impact on me and help me.
    thank you and great work…

  40. My favorite phrases to be told were "No one wants to be around someone who's depressed" (yeah…like I didn't already know that and thanks for making me feel worse about things), and of course the obvious "Oh get over it". Sometimes there isn't any getting over it, there is only going through it and hope to get to the other side somewhat quickly. I personally think that's why a lot of people's response to "How are you?" is "Fine". It's an easy gloss over. Sort of sad that we can't really communicate most times.

  41. You speak so much truth and i have no clue why and I know this is irrelevant but it makes you more attractive. I love you Connor because you tell it straight up the way it's meant to be told.

  42. ive just found your channel and this video is everything ive been wanting to say for months. this is exactly what i needed to hear. thanks so much! instant subscribe 🙂

  43. I have had a few friends that have been depressed and everytime they open up to me about it i feel terrible because i feel i'm useless and there's nothing i can do to help them. Usually in that situation i like to ask questions as to why they feel like that or what are the thoughts that go through their mind to kinda understand what they're going through but i don't feel like i help a lot with that. That being said, what do you think would be the ideal way to respond/act when someone tells you they're depressed?

  44. this is soooooo important, i myself struggle with anxiety and panic attacks which as connor said it's not so great and it's awful to talk about.I've been told sooooooo many times like " oh don't be anxious! just relax dont think about it, you've no reason to be that anxious about something so small" and honestly a) it makes me feel so small and more insecure and it freaks me out even more b) it makes me feel really upset with that someone. Although I know people are saying it because they're doing their best to help even if they don't know how, it's just upsetting. Because feelings they do not go away, and if you push them (trust me i've done it before) it only makes it worse.
    I've worked things out (feelings pretty much) by myself and with help from others, and the only thing that kinda made me feel 'free' about certain feelings, such as when i was feeling a bit depressed and didnt know what to do was precisely when i opened myself up, talked about it for a good time and cried and did all of the stuff that people/society avoid to talk about.

    So for whoever reading this, if you feel the same way or if you sometimes feel small because of what other people say about you and your own problems, do not apologize,it's more than okay to sometimes not be okay.We are all humans and it's how it works and trust me, you're so not alone in it.

  45. Connor, I really needed to hear this. The past 6 months or so have been especially difficult on everyone, not just myself, because I came out to my family that I am gay and they did not take it lightly. And now that everyone's had the chance to calm down, I don't know how to put my words into something that sounds less demanding other than saying to them, "you don't have to support it, but at the very least, as your child, be happy that I am happy.".

  46. Oh and those same people being like "just cheer up/get some sun, pasty-face/do exercise/oh it's because you eat gluten/dairy/alcohol/meat/caffeine/sugar/have you tried mindfulness/oh I was sad once it'll pass" like fucker, shut the hell up.

  47. I haven't seen one of your videos in a long time. I forgot how they are good and gentle and important. thanks for reminding me.

  48. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety since I can remember, I've been told many times to "calm down"……which gee that helps…..and then that makes it worse…..to me some times the best way one can help is to simply be there not trying to "fix" me….my feelings….or the situation

  49. Hi Connor, i have a problem. 😖

    I'm in constant fear that my gf will break up with me. I love her and everything about her and she says she loves me back. However I've been annoying her by not talking to her and being upset a lot, this is because of my depression. There are other things I do which means that someone else can treat her better and make her more happy than I can. I don't know what to do as all I want to be in life is her's but she has proper life goals that can make her happy without me. Do you have any advice on how I can stop being scared, or less scared, of loosing her? 😖😞

  50. Another great video. I've actually been dealing with all of the above in moderation and it's hard to really sit down and just talk about my feelings in the fast paced life I'm leading…but this really made me see the importance of doing that despite the hectic life.

    Thanks, man. You're the best.

  51. Not everyone fixes themselves, this assumes that there is such thing as normal. In being human, we are equally broken and vulnerable. To fix our self then, would to mean that there is some kind of quick happy pill, magic wand, or 5 step course to "fix it" whatever that "it" is. It's better to say that people move through different chapters, and as we move through those chapters, we may visit or even re-visit things we either endured before or have to endure again. No one should do that alone. Thanks for making this a conversation.

  52. THANK YOU for posting this. I experience this all the time because of my depression and anxiety. Love your videos btw!

  53. dude this was relatable as HECK! i'm so afraid to be honest w family or friends about how i feel because a lot of the times their response is "oh, you're just being dramatic" or "oh, you're not actually depressed. you were happy the other day, and that's not what being depressed is" it's so frustrating, especially when i go to them for help and they give me the opposite. thank you for this!!

  54. 2:05 AMEN There are so many times when I'm having a panic attack and people are like "it's fine there's nothing to worry about get ahold of yourself" and I'm just there like AHHHHGHHGHHG

  55. I soooo can relate to that, as someone with aspergers, depression and OCD, the frustration that I've experienced when someone tries to "cheer me up" by unvalidating my struggles and feelings that are caused by those mental conditions is so big I just want them to shut their mouths, don't say anything and just freaking LISTEN TO ME. I don't want someone telling me how to cope with those things I'm my own person and the only person that can really get me out of the hole is myself, no one else can do that for me cause they're not me. I think that videos like these are so essential nowadays because they help to spread awareness. I know you didn't want to adress mental health issues per se in your video, but mental conditions/illness are not fashion accesories or toys that you just can leave whenever you feel tired of them and when they cause us to screw ourselves over in all the aspects in life it is NOT FUN and its REAL, this shit really happens.

  56. "in the end people fix themselves" it took me a long time to figure this out and i would always go to friends expecting them to heal me but i would always be disappointed until i realized it was only me that can heal me. and people still come to me thinking i can fix them but i always say i can only help as much as possible before you have to fix ourself

  57. thank you!!! I have been dealing with a pretty severe panic disorder since I was 12 (20 now- and I'm making a lot of progress) but people tell me to stop panicking ALL THE TIME!! 'don't be anxious' 'get some perspective' 'cheer up'… wow, I never thought of that…:P it's honestly so unhelpful and then they get annoyed at you when it doesn't work!! my parents are forever telling me my panic attacks are 'dramatic', 'selfish' and 'rude'. I love them dearly and I'd be lost without them but when someone has a mental illness they probably already blame themselves on some level and if you act like what they're experiencing is a choice you're confirming their worst nightmare. it's really not right.

  58. seriously though. when I first learned about the concept of invalidation, it really opened my eyes to the negativity that some people were bringing into my life

  59. You can't just tell someone "don't be depressed", it doesn't work like that ok? Talk to a counselor or a friend about your depression

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