Donald Trump Wows At First Solo Stress Conference
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>>Stephen:
>>STEPHEN: WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW,” EVERYBODY. I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WOW. I’M SO GLAD YOU COULD BE HERE ON
THIS HISTORIC EVENING. DONALD TRUMP HELD HIS FIRST SOLO
PRESS CONFERENCE AS PRESIDENT. HE WAS OUT THERE ALL BY HIMSELF. HE DIDN’T EVEN BRING HIS MEDS. IT WAS A ROBUST ONE HOUR AND 17
MINUTES. BEEFY. SO BEEFY, YOU COULD EAT IT WITH
A FORK BUT YOU WILL WANT TO USE A SPOON TO GET EVERY DROP OF THE
CRAZY. IT JUST HAPPENED. WE WERE RECORDING THIS IN THE
EARLY AFTERNOON. IT LITERALLY JUST FINISHED. THIS IS FRESH. IT MUST BE FRESH BECAUSE YOU CAN
SMELL IT. THERE IS A REAL —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, IT’S
STILL STEAMING. YOU CAN WARM YOUR HANDS OVER
THIS PILE. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S KIND OF HARD TO CHARACTERIZE THE PRESS
CONFERENCE. WORDS FAIL ME. HOW ABOUT CNN?>>IT WAS UNHINGED.>>Stephen: OKAY, JAKE. NICE TRY, BUT THAT’S THE LYING
FAKE MEDIA. WHAT DID HIS FRIENDS AT FOX NEWS
SAY?>>ALL RIGHTY, THEN!>>STEPHEN: VERY FUNNY. VERY FUNNY, NICE TRY. VERY FUNNY. OKAY. WHAT DID FOX NEWS REALLY SAY?>>WOW. ALL RIGHTY, THEN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WOW! WOW! WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT, WHO
NEEDS FOX AND FRIENDS? NOW, RIGHT OFF THE BEAN, HERE’S
THE THING — DONALD TRUMP HELD THIS CONFERENCE BECAUSE THERE’S
CHAOS IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND ALL THE TALK ABOUT WHETHER THE
RUSSIANS ARE PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH HIM AND THINGS LIKE THAT. HIS PRESS AIDES SAID THIS IS
TOTALLY HIS IDEA. I TOTALLY BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE
THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR HIM TO DO. TRUMP DEFENDED HIS ROUGH START
BY IMMEDIATELY ATTACKING AMERICA’S TRUE ENEMY:
ANYONE BUT HIM.>>TO BE HONEST, I INHERITED A
MESS. IT’S A MESS.>>STEPHEN: NO, YOU INHERITED A
FORTUNE. WE ELECTED A MESS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN HE TOUTED HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS.>>I DON’T THINK THERE’S EVER
BEEN A PRESIDENT ELECTED IN THIS SHORT PERIOD OF TIME WHO’S DONE
WHAT WE’VE DONE.>>STEPHEN: I DON’T SAY THIS
OFTEN, BUT, MR. TRUMP, I COMPLETELY AGREE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED. AND THE PRESIDENT FOCUSED TO THE
ONLY THING THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY, BESIDES HIS NIGHTLY BATHROBE
TIME: REMINISCING ABOUT HIS ELECTION.>>GOT 306 ELECTORAL COLLEGE
VOTES. I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO GET 222. THEY SAID THERE’S NO WAY TO GET
222. 230 IS IMPOSSIBLE. 270, WHICH YOU NEED, THAT WAS
LAUGHABLE. WE GOT 306. BECAUSE PEOPLE CAME OUT AND
VOTED LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. SO THAT’S THE WAY IT GOES. I GUESS IT WAS THE BIGGEST
ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN SINCE RONALD REAGAN.>>STEPHEN: ACTUALLY, SIR,
BARACK OBAMA GOT 365 ELECTORAL VOTES IN 2008, YOU ONLY GOT 306. WAIT… DO YOU THINK 306 IS
LARGER THAN 365? WOW, BETSY DEVOS WORKS QUICK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE DeVOS EFFECT! YOU GOT DeVOSFIED. THAT WAS THE DeVOSFICATION OF
DONALD TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER )
LATER, A REPORTER REMINDED HIM HOW NUMBERS WORK.>>YOU SAID TODAY THAT YOU HAD
THE BIGGEST ELECTORAL MARGIN SINCE RONALD REAGAN WITH 304 OR
306 ELECTORAL VOTES. IN FACT, PRESIDENT OBAMA GOT 365
IN 2008–>>WELL, I’M TALKING ABOUT
REPUBLICAN.>>– PRESIDENT OBAMA, 332, AND
GEORGE H.W. BUSH, 426, WHEN HE WON AS PRESIDENT. SO WHY SHOULD AMERICANS TRUST–
>>WELL, NO, I WAS TOLD– I WAS GIVEN THAT INFORMATION. I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST GIVEN– WE HAD A VERY
BIG MARGIN.>>I GUESS MY QUESTION IS, WHY
SHOULD AMERICANS TRUST YOU WHEN YOU ACCUSE THE INFORMATION THEY
RECEIVE OF BEING FAKE WHEN YOU’RE PROVIDING INFORMATION
THAT’S–>>WELL, I WAS GIVEN THAT
INFORMATION.>>STEPHEN: HOW PRESIDENTIAL. REMINDS ME OF HARRY TRUMAN, WHO
SAID, “LOOK I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S SUPPOSED TO STOP, I WAS
GIVEN THAT BUCK.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP PROVED ONCE AGAIN HE IS CONSISTANTLY INCONSISTANT.>>I WATCH CNN. IT’S SO MUCH ANGER AND HATRED,
AND JUST THE HATRED. I DON’T WATCH IT ANYMORE.>>STEPHEN: BUT YOU LITERALLY
SAID YOU WATCHED IT, TWO SENTENCES AGO! THEN YOU SAID YOU DON’T WATCH
IT! IMAGINE IF BILL CLINTON SAID, “I
DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN. THE MEDIA IS SO DISHONEST. I TOTALLY BANGED HER IN THE OVAL
OFFICE. TOTAL. BOOM. TOTAL. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT A CNN REPORTER FOUGHT BACK.>>JUST BECAUSE THE ATTACK OF
FAKE NEWS AND ATTACKING OUR NETWORK, I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU,
SIR–>>I’M CHANGING IT FROM FAKE
NEWS THOUGH. VERY FAKE NEWS.>>STEPHEN: OH, VERY FAKE NEWS! I DIDN’T REALIZE WE WERE
BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS. AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, HE’S
GOING TO HAVE TO RATCHET IT UP TO
“VERY, VERY, TOTES-MAGOTES, FOR REALSIES FALSIE FAKE NEWS.” NO FAIR CHANGEYS. NO DROPS, NO BOMBS, NO TAKEOUTS. ( APPLAUSE )
CIRCLE DOT, GOODIE SHOT. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WORKS. AND TRUMP FINALLY ADDRESSED THE
RUMORS ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.>>PUTIN PROBABLY ASSUMES THAT
HE CAN’T MAKE A DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE BECAUSE, POLITICALLY, IT
WOULD BE UNPOPULAR FOR A POLITICIAN TO MAKE A DEAL. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING I’M A
POLITICIAN, BUT I GUESS THAT’S WHAT I AM NOW.>>STEPHEN: THERE IT IS. CATCH THAT IS THIS
WE ALL SAW THE MOMENT WHEN DONALD TRUMP FINALLY REALIZED HE
IS PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY GOOD RELATIONS WITH RUSSIA WERE SO
IMPORTANT.>>IF RUSSIA AND THE UNITED
STATES ACTUALLY GOT TOGETHER AND GOT ALONG– AND DON’T FORGET,
WE’RE A VERY POWERFUL NUCLEAR COUNTRY, AND SO ARE THEY. THERE’S NO UPSIDE. WE’RE A VERY POWERFUL NUCLEAR
COUNTRY. AND SO ARE THEY. I’VE BEEN BRIEFED, I CAN TELL
YOU ONE THING ABOUT A BRIEFING THAT WE’RE ALLOWED TO SAY,
ANYBODY THAT READ THE MOST BASIC BOOK CAN SAY IT, NUCLEAR
HOLOCAUST WOULD BE LIKE NO OTHER.>>STEPHEN: YES, THAT’S THE KIND
IN-DEPTH BRIEFING THAT ONLY THE PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TOO. IT’S IN THE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED
BRIEFING BOOK: “NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST BAD.” IT’S A LITTLE TECHNICAL. IT’S A LITTLE TECHNICAL. I DON’T WANT TO GET TOO JARGONY,
BUT THE BRIEFING IS JUST ONE LONG WORD — BOOM. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, RATHER THAN ADDRESS THE RUSSIAN RUMORS, TRUMP PIVOTED
>>DOES ANYBODY REALLY THINK THAT HILLARY CLINTON WOULD BE
TOUGHER ON RUSSIA THAN DONALD TRUMP? DOES ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM REALLY
BELIEVE THAT?>>STEPHEN: I DON’T KNOW, I’LL
ASK. DOES ANYONE REALLY BELIEVE THAT? ( CHEERING )
AND TRUMP WASN’T DONE WITH HIS ETHNIC OUTREACH. ADDRESS B THE THORNY TENSIONS OF
WHITE HOUSE RACISM WITH APRIL RYAN.>>ARE YOU GOING TO INCLUDE THE
CBC WITH YOUR URBAN AGENDA.>>WHO? THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK
CAUCUS AND THE –>>WELL, I WOULD. DO YOU WANT TO SET UP THE
MEETING?>>NO, NO, NO, I’M JUST A
REPORTER–>>ARE THEY FRIENDS OF YOURS? GO AHEAD, SET UP A MEETING.>>I KNOW SOME OF THEM, BUT I’M
SURE–>>LET’S GO. SET UP A MEETING. I WOULD LOVE TO MEET WITH THE
BLACK CAUCUS. I THINK IT’S GREAT. THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS. I THINK IT’S GREAT.>>STEPHEN: OH, YOU’RE BLACK,
CAN YOU TALK TO THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS AT
YOUR NEXT MEETING OF THE BLACK CLUB? YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT. I’LL HAVE BEN CARSON DO IT. THSIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. ( APPLAUSE )
WOW, IT’S TRUE, RIGHT? THE PRESIDENT. IS HE GIVING AWAY A SECRET? ALL BLACK PEOPLE KNOW EACH
OTHER, RIGHT?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: AND YOU KEEP EACH
OTHER’S SCHEDULES.>>Jon: WE MEET AT OPRAH’S
HOUSE.>>CAN YOU SET UP A MEETING FOR
ME WITH BEYONCE, JAY-Z, AND
FREDERICK DOUGLASS?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: HEART A LOT OF
GREAT THINGS.>>Jon: YOU CAN COME, TOO. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: AND FINALLY, CBS’ MAJOR GARRETT ASKED THE
QUESTION SWIRLING ALL WEEK: WHAT TRUMP WILL DO ABOUT THE
HEIGHTENING TENSIONS WITH RUSSIA.>>YEAH, I’M NOT GOING TO TELL
YOU ABOUT ANYTHING I’M GOING TO DO. I DON’T TALK ABOUT MILITARY
RESPONSE. I DON’T SAY I’M GOING INTO MOSUL
IN FOUR MONTHS. “WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK MOSUL IN
FOUR MONTHS,” THEN THREE MONTHS LATER, “WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK
MOSUL IN ONE MONTH.” “NEXT WEEK, WE ARE GOING TO
ATTACK MOSUL.”>>STEPHEN: THAT WAS THE
PRESIDENT UNVEILING HIS TWO NEW CHARACTERS: “MILITARY GUY” AND
“DICTATOR GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE.” ( BAND PLAYING )
>>Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! SALLY FIELD IS HERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STICK AROUND!

100 thoughts on “Donald Trump Wows At First Solo Stress Conference

  1. I hate Trump … But watching him fight all these people at once and not giving up like Nixion is something to BEHOLD. THIS GUY just won't stop lying and fighting he is one Ballz ass conman.

  2. Yogi Berra use to say about a popular night club , The place is terrible , It's always so crowded people don't go there any more! LOL That's Trump!

  3. Yes an unprecedented 12,000 lies in only 3 years… that is 4,000 lies per year –
    IF he works 400 days each year, that would be, a very difficult record to do, over 10 lies each and every day, or more, do the math.

  4. At the moment, the United States does not have a president, but we do have a demon spewing hatred to every corner of the country and around the world. Everybody knows Donald Trump is an idiot, but some are afraid to say so because he will bully them.

  5. Here is proven, that this "president" is nothing but a joke , trutly the U.A.S. have elected a lunatic to be the leader of the Nation , shame 😒 Shame 😒 Shame 😒 ….

  6. Trump is ssssooo dumb, it's almost an insult to normal dumb people to call him dumb!!

    Get him out of our office of President!!

  7. Who Cares..Trump is starting a war  with Saudi Arabia against who.?? Thanks Republicans you have voted for a man that will kill Americans.  After 911 who would have thought Saudi and USA would be together.THANKS REPUBLICANS

  8. .Sesame street's Big Bird, delivering a press conference, would come across with more credibility than a tan-booth manchild with an absurd comb over.

  9. He is crazier/nastier but shockingly not yet impeached or dragged out in handcuffs. WTH PELOSI??? This is why Bernie supporters in particular do not support her. I used to defend her but this is effing pathetic. I dont care if she wants to delay for political benefit. He is doing real damage every day. No one even trusts the National Weather service anymore thanks to ahole Agolf Twitler.

  10. So sick of People asking IF Trump isn’t Guilty! Betsey the Dorted is So DUMB Education is what you need America. Start Educating With Music, with CiVIC understanding, How to Bank . Real life needs for the kids of Today. Shut up YRUMP ….PLEASE JUST SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

  11. Chaos in the White House. He inherited a million dollars from his Daddy, Fred Trump. But Donald because of his spending sprees lost billions and billions of dollars that he can never repay

  12. This show was Rock solid definition of family entertainment Jonny Carson would roll over in his grave if he watched the show today. Flap your lips and I'll use my voice in the privacy of the voting booth!

  13. #DickTraitorandQuief of the #UnitedBigotsOfMerica is nothing but FAKE Fake FAKE in all aspects of his #Kakistocracy!

  14. Two years ago same ole story same ole lines Stephen Colbert is a fake news cheerleader. Stephen Colbert has Trump syndrome. Hes a loser over and over again

  15. #REALME&YOU. The MAN WALKING TOURNAMENT 13OMINUTES IN 15KILOMETERS ARIEL WALKING ALWAYS FUNNY LATER CLEAN HIS SHOES. WY IDONT KNOW.#REALME&YOU.

  16. There’s a few protests around the world huh ? There’s literally protest everywhere ! Looks like a movie Armageddon – basically yes ! Only real life ! Pretty unspeakable every country ! All cause of this and Vladimir ! Inspiring – you will learn to speak English sooner or later trust me on that ! I’ll guarantee your gonna be speaking English very shortly !

  17. I just mute the sound now every time Trump speaks. You no longer need to hear the words to know he is full of bullshit and is up to some shitfuckery.

  18. I think he should be checked for snorting aderol. He is tweeked .. the most ignorant man on the planet. Europe SOS Americans need your help. There is no government in America just trumpism. Do you really find trump humorous because I think he should do the right thing and shoot himself in the middle of 5th ave and memorialize it with a plaque saying be an American pee here. He so rich ? In rubles? This is not funny this fuckin idiot is going to end the world , not funny BOOM

  19. And still going strong!! Mr. Colbert your material needs to be repeated in every classroom b4 any more minds are fouled by his nonsense. Every one in his administration is proving he is corrupt! IMPEACH & OUSTtheGOP/KKK/NRAin2020

  20. Damn shame that this country has allowed this tragedy and TRAITOROUS administration to do this to our beloved COUNTRY!

  21. As a republican i can tell you trump, Obama got into office with a mess that little bush made for us all! Quit lying! U messed up the good economy that was handed down to u,,, sir.

  22. So sorry to watch this confirmation that both our countries have ass….s ruining ( not running) our countries! 😡

  23. I don't know why the president gets into nuclear Holocaust and talk to people like their three the best military option for Russia would be to set up EMP battery missiles which would knock out all their electronics and guidance on their nukes nobody ever mentions the third it would send Russia back to the dark ages. Besides America likes Russia to have a dictator it's bad enough we have destabilization in a lot of foreign countries they have way too many uneducated people and more nukes that could fall into the wrong hands of people that are willing to use them on each other and the fallout would be horrible for the whole world.

  24. Utu49 It seams that you speak trump, i alway wanted to learn a second language.

    On the top we have the Germanic languages, the Romance languages, the Arabic so forth.
    Bellow that we have Dialects.
    Bellow that we have: Sub dialect like broken English, Patua, etc.
    Bellow that we have: Pig latin, jeringosa, etc.
    And at the bottom we have trump language. it is a fairly simplistic dialect, but confusing in the repetition of untrue statements.

  25. He is the most idiotic, ridiculous and stupid my 5 year old expresses himself better let's remove this baffoon before he goes into an spiral craziness

  26. for Trump all migrants are second class 🤔 latín black CUBANS chicanos 🤔 blacks Even if they are nationalizad or have been born EUA 🤔 NO DEBEN VOTAR POR TRUMP PUEDE INICIAR UNA TERCERA GUERRA MUNDIAL Y ULTIMA DESPIERTEN SU ESPOSA TAMBIEN ES MIGRANTE 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

  27. "I'm President Trump, and finishing a sentence is, you know, not easy for me because, my numbers are good, the best good, very, Blacks are very good people."

  28. Soon-to-be Florida Man thinks they're all Matt Gaetz clones down there. The pro-inbreeding imbecile may hopefully give us a new flavor of gator aid, About to be im-peach-ed.

  29. Colbert is nothing more than a punk contriver. The only regret he'll ever have for manipulating the minds of his worshipers, will be he never was able to reach people who think for themselves and don't need fake soundtracks of laughter to pretend they're happy.
    Surely the lowest places in Hell, are reserved for specious manipulators like Crispy Colbert.

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