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This game sucks He’s gonna take you back to the past to play these shitty games that suck ass He’d rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear He’d rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd He’s the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd! There is a game that is said to be even worse than Big Rigs It is also a driving game, and it’s called desert, bus. It was so unspeakably dreadful that it was canceled before it was ever released It was one of six games included in Penn & Teller smoke and mirrors for the Sega Cd. That’s right- Penn & Teller Were behind this and if you haven’t heard of them well, how do I sum it up basically? They’re two of the greatest entertainers of our time. They mix magic and comedy they perform it live they defy physics They’re funny as hell. They attack bullshit, and they’ve been doing it for nearly 40 years So their first attempt at a video game in 1995 was a very interesting one and something that only they could have made Smoke and mirrors is like the anti-video game It’s made up of six mini games that exist for no other reason than to play jokes on your friends explaining them all in detail would be a disservice for anyone wanting to try them out for themselves Of course the game was never released but prior to its cancellation it appeared in Sega Visions magazine and even made the front cover The true reason it was canceled was because the company Absolute went out of business But like anything the game found its way onto the internet and has been circulated people have played it And it’s become sort of a cult hit. It’s one of the strangest collections of games you might ever play There’s a traditional side scroller where you actually play as Penn & Teller themselves It’s insanely frustrating to figure out what you’re supposed to do But it’s hilarious just for the idea that they made their in-game characters so useless There’s a part where an enemy magician is throwing straitjackets at you and you have to bounce them back using an umbrella Trying to hit this guy is just as much of a trick as anything Penn & Teller I’ve pulled off themselves The straitjackets always bounce in the wrong direction Aw come on that didn’t count! Overall the whole game is worth it just for the abundance of Penn & Teller clips. Watching these guys, you can’t go wrong But then there’s desert bus. How bad could it be? Let’s find out From Tucson, Arizona to Las Vegas, Nevada. Are we going to Las Vegas to see a Penn & Teller Show? I hope Okay, I’m driving the bus Come on, bus Come on. Bus. Come on. Okay. Slowly, but surely here we go (Nothing but the sound of the bus running) (still running) This is the game You drive. And drive. There is nothing out there Except road and sand Occasionally there’s a rock or a sign But that’s it. There’s no passengers to interact with no music on the radio Nothing to keep you occupied. The road never turns. There’s no other vehicles There is absolutely nothing. You can open the door with the b button (squeak) Basically it makes a sound effect (squeak) That’s a little something you can do to entertain yourself (squeak) The bus can’t go any faster than 45 miles per hour I don’t know why Maybe Dennis hopper has a bomb on it or something? So there’s no hope of speeding up this test of human attention span So how long is this trip? It’s 360 miles to Las Vegas at 45 miles per hour that would mean eight hours This is a fucking eight-hour game Whoever needs to take a road trip when you can simulate the whole experience in real time on your Sega Cd. Aw what were they thinking? Well this time we have an answer Penn & Teller make it clear right before the game starts that the whole joke was to make a game that’s just like real life I’ve read in various interviews with Penn that this was in response to all the controversies at the time about all the hyper violent video games. So instead of something imaginary and fun Here’s the real-life, mundane task of driving a fucking bus for eight hours! Well if we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna need several bathroom breaks. Let’s pause it What? the start button blows the horn (honk) There is no pause You just have to keep driving I wonder how many people have pissed their pants while playing this! You can’t even stop to get something to eat! The manual- and yes, there is a manual- says, “No, it’s not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?” Oh. (weak chuckle) UGHHH! I’m driving What happens at the end when you get to Las Vegas? Imagine if after the eight hours you get to play casino games and have fun and all of a sudden the game becomes awesome Well, I looked into it. You want to know what happens? You get a point. A point. One fucking point! And then you got to drive all the way back! Every eight hours a point those are the slowest points in video game history! Did Penn & Teller really make this game or did Andy Warhol rise from the dead? Yeah, you know the Andy Warhol film Empire? It’s an eight-hour movie that’s nothing but a shot of the Empire State building Yeah, who could ever sit through this?! Well there was going to be prizes. Penn & Teller were actually planning to have a desert bus contest. You send in your score, and the grand prize was a trip on an actual bus from Tucson the Las Vegas But you’ll get to see a show and have a four night stay at Bally’s. That only begs the question: Who has the high score in desert bus? Well apparently the highest you can get is 99 which would mean putting in 792 hours or 33 days of continuous gameplay. And speaking of long hours. I just found out: There’s a group who do an annual marathon of the game for charity it’s called desert bus for hope and it’s been very successful in raising money for children. So at least something good has come of this game. They must be some serious troopers I can’t sit through ten minutes of this shit! I’ve heard that every once in a while a bug will splat on your windshield I’d be happy just to see that I’m suffering from so much sensory deprivation That anything to break up the monotony would be amazing! If a bug came and splat on this windshield that would blow my fucking mind! But I’ll never have the patience to get that far I’ll never even get a single point. Just got to hold your thumb on this button for so long Wait oh How do you like that trick Penn & Teller? If you can’t beat the game let the game beat itself? What? What the fuck?! The- Doh- It’s stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand! They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. Oh they thought of everything. God damn you Penn & Teller You have to sit here and drive the bus. Just like in real life and real life fucking sucks Now I’m getting towed. Oh boy. The Towing is in real-time also! So if you’ve driven seven hours does it take seven hours for the game to start over?? This is the most sadistic thing ever! There’s no fun factor whatsoever. This makes Big Rigs look like a fucking party! Big Rigs isn’t even a game and has no challenge whatsoever, but here the challenge comes from trying to stay awake from boredom For the past 10 years I’ve been on a mission to warn the world of shitty games and in all those years this one takes the cake I think I finally hit the bottom of the barrel. The fact that a game like this could come into existence and that people have played it and suffered through it and even adapted it into an atari 2600 game means that I failed. I’ve done everything I can It’s time to retire (sad music) One more for all times sake this game is a hack of Castlevania II by the Almighty Guru. As I said 10 years ago the original game is full of problems How would you ever figure out that you’re supposed to throw an oak stake at that orb? One of the biggest problems in the game is how cryptic it is and how none of the townspeople tell you anything that’s useful Instead of giving you clues like any other kind of adventure or RPG game They just give you a bunch of nonsensical riddles, but here in Castlevania II: Redaction we have real clues! Yeah! all the dialogue’s been fixed and now it actually makes sense I can’t believe that somebody’s actually been trying to fix this shitload of fuck, but what about the day-to-night transitions? Why do they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay that they think it would be more realistic? I mean in real life I don’t have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fucking box doesn’t pop up in the air Wow That was fast. I wish it was that fast in the original game I wish it didn’t happen at all. But hey that’s an improvement in general all the text moves a lot faster I’m really diggin the clues. It even tells me stuff I never even knew like using Dracula’s nail to take out blocks. I had no idea you could do that He doesn’t look anything like Dracula. Instead he looks like a grim reaper. even Dracula’s face has been changed It’s still annoying how long it takes to collect hearts to buy stuff and also those annoying invisible platforms are still there But all these improvements are a good start The most annoying cryptic thing of all is how it never tells you how to pass through the wall Would you guess that you’re supposed to pass through this wall you need to have a red crystal selected and be kneeling down and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes it to the next part of the game I’ve wanted to see that clue ever since I first played this I’ve complained about it. Did uh did my… complaints… Ring a bell?? Did… Did uh… Has the word of the nerd been heard??? Have I contributed to how we look back at bad games? I’ve done it. It’s not in vain! There is no retirement! The show must go on. I must continue reviewing shitty games because that’s what the world needs! But where do I go from here? I’ve had so many adventures within these four walls! I need to take the adventure outside! I need to go do something bigger something to top everything that I’ve already done! But how do I do that?

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