🔴How to Deal with Anger in Relationships | Engaged at Any Age | Jaki Sabourin
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I’m just a hi ladies hello hello Jackie
Sabourin here and I am holding my date night video for those of you who have a
date or you’re dating I think this is gonna help you and if you’re in a
relationship because I want to talk to you about how to deal with anger in
relationships and not clap back so what I mean by not clap back is I mean don’t
throw that brick back so sometimes those bricks come in this emotionally speaking
and either we get angry or we get triggered or the man we’re dating is
angry maybe he’s angry about a divorce maybe he lost you know it has a broken
heart and sometimes anger can be masked by bye-bye pain that’s usually what’s
beneath the anger but what I mean by don’t clap back is don’t throw that
brick back so I like to say when somebody throws you a brick you know you
want to take the brick and set the brick down you don’t want to throw it back but
it’s hard sometimes especially when when we get triggered or if somebody gets
triggered in gaining a relationship so the number one thing that I want you to
do hi Terry is to is to make sure that when you when you’re in a situation
where there’s somebody’s angry or you’re angry is you want to address it that’s
the most important thing is you want to make sure that you you address the anger
you and you can do it like this you can say you can say I’m really angry about
this you know you can express it in verbally and or you can ask that person
that you’re with you can say I’m picking up that you’re angry or I’m picking
something up what you want to do is hi Dinah you want to do is you want to not
minimize it but you definitely want to address it right away any kind of anger
is very toxic to your relationship let’s look at the purpose of anger anger comes
in so that you can be aware that your boundary has been violated and so the
purpose for anger is just that it’s just a signal a message from your higher self
letting you know that whatever just happened isn’t okay with you as soon as
you get that message there’s no more need for anger the anger has served its
purpose now you have to take action to protect your boundaries but you need to
do that in a emotionally mature highly functional way
so if a man that you’re with you near a ship your dating has angered them what
you can do is is hi ray nice to see you hi Holly
as you can you can address it right away I really recommend addressing this and I
was in a situation where where there was some anger coming forward on one of my
date and I know enough about anger of most of the time it’s it’s usually
sourcing from pain you know if you ever think about if you’ve been angry about
something it typically comes from being in pain yeah maybe somebody betrayed you
or you feel abandoned or whatever whatever behind it so you want to try to
consider that so if a man’s angry um you want to try to not take it personal and
ask him what it’s about say I’m picking up some anger and I’m just wondering you
know what this is about what you’re really upset about and try to address it
in that moment because the hold on to anger it’s very toxic for you and it’s
toxic for the other person in a toxic your relationship like I said the
purpose of anger has been served once you know that a boundary has been
violated there’s no more need for anger so when I was in the situation dating a
man that I was dating got really uptight on the date and I was like I think that
that with something going on with you and I’m wondering if you’ve really
processed what happened to you and your divorce because as long as it’s anger
you know stays in present in you without you addressing it you’re gonna you know
you’re going to project it onto me and I don’t want a man to project his anger
onto me I don’t even like my husband to project his frustration or anger onto me
it’s not fun to me on the other end of anger and to be the recipient of that so
you have to learn to hold your boundaries but you don’t hold the
boundary by throwing a brick back throwing anger back because it it
escalates right so it’s better to just address it and and if you come from love
it’s really sues everything when you come from a place of really wanting to
understand their point of view and when you can do that it usually dissipates
the anger can usually you know go down from a 10 down to a 2 and so
the second thing is that when somebody’s angry the best thing you can do and I
just mentioned this it just they say to stay calm it’s so important to remain
calm and it’s the hardest thing to do when you feel under attack if somebody’s
you know chirping at you it’s hard not to want to throw that brick back and so
but but it’s really unhealthy right and we want to have healthy relationships so
there’s a lot of motivation to hold the brick so if somebody throws a brick at
you you want to take the brick comes in it feels like a brick that’s why I use a
brick metaphor so many throw a brick at you emotionally speaking it’s like wow
that cake comes in hard and fast you want to put that brick down because what
that’s going to do is it’s going to keep the situation from escalating and then
as you continue to remain really calm you can explore conversation on why
you’re angry and if you can’t explore the conversation in that moment what I
recommend that you do is set aside some time when you can discuss it and that
can sound like this you can say I’m picking up that you you’re angry or
frustrated about something and I’m just wondering if we can talk about it later
you know after you we’ve had a little time out or had some perspective or or
after you’ve had a chance to process and I know these sounds like words that
maybe women use but you know what men are really receptive to this kind of
languaging it’s just we have to get used to presenting it in a way that is
receptive to a man and that’s by remaining calm so if we’re the one who’s
angry it’s not functional for you to project throw the brick to somebody else
remember what I said in the first part is the anger is there to serve a purpose
it helps you to identify that something has happened or hasn’t happened that is
a boundary violation for you sometimes it wasn’t it’s what wasn’t done if
somebody made a promise to you and they don’t keep that promise and that could
cause you to feel anger because there’s a boundary you had an expectation they
made a promise and they didn’t keep it so there’s a natural feeling of anger
once you identify that then from that place you go huh okay thank you for
using this to me now I know why I’m angry now from that place you need to
take action just time to communicate how you feel so that
you can you can resolve it because the worst thing you can do is to not address
your own emotional feelings if you feel anger you have a right to feel that way
your feelings aren’t good bad wrong right they’re just how your feelings but
to project those onto somebody else that’s where the dysfunction starts you
have to take full responsibility for all your feelings because they’re just that
they’re your feelings and if you want to get into relationship with any mostly
mature highly functional man which I know you do
then you need to demonstrate that you’re an emotionally mature highly functional
woman and I know you all have it in you especially if you watch hoping to my
videos so the last part you’re welcome Jax the last part is to
validate give value give value this is really important a lot of people forget
about how important it is when when somebody gives value to your feelings or
you give value to their feelings it you can you feel better faster it’s just the
acknowledgement that’s all that is a simple acknowledgement about you’re
angry so it’s like I can I can see that you’re angry about what happened earlier
you know I’d like an opportunity to talk to you about it so as soon as you
validate and say I see you’re angry or you have a right to be angry so that’s
not validation isn’t green or condoning it’s just it’s just acknowledging and so
you want to make sure that you get that make that distinction
so you’re just acknowledging there you know that they have these feelings and
they have a right to feel the way they feel but they don’t but you don’t have
to own it you don’t have to own anybody’s anger their feelings because
they’re their feelings so if you can begin to make these distinctions it’s
gonna really empower you because as soon as we revert to yelling or we become
angry in response to the anger then we revert to childlike behavior right and
then we are we’re no better than the person angry so it really is is so
powerful when you can process your your angry feelings and the first thing you
want to do with that is to validate yourself as well and give value to your
own feelings well normal that I’m feeling angry
anybody that was stood up it was lied to you that was cheated on abandoned
whatever would be angry too so it’s how you validate your own feelings
anybody that experienced what I experienced would feel angry too and
that’s showing up as your own best friend and that’s what you want to do
you want to meet your emotional needs from within first and then you take them
to the other person because they’re your needs it’s not not the other person so
when you take full responsibility for your life it’s so exciting because when
you take full responsibility for your life and everything you’ve done and
created you can create anything you want it’s when we aren’t able to take
responsibility for something that’s happened that causes us to become in
that victim mentality like they did this and he said that and justifying or
rationalizing or minimizing our behavior and when we do that we really become
very small in that process so in order to become I guess bigger and more
expansive and to be able to hold more in your life to have more to have a healthy
relationship you need to take full responsibility for your life and I think
that’s really exciting because there was a time when I did it take responsibility
from your life I blamed everybody and everything that went wrong in my life I
really did believe that it was everybody else’s fault it’s so crazy to think that
but when you’re in that painful hurt feeling mentality victim mode it’s it’s
easy to get caught up in it and stay in it because you really believe and I
really believe that other people were causing me all this suffering but it was
all coming from inside of me I hadn’t made peace with my past I hadn’t
overcome any the abuse that I went through I didn’t know how to process my
anger and I was an angry woman okay y’all was the last person that a man
wanted to be because I used to throw bricks a lot of bricks right darts I
would jump on that and that was just my defensive maneuver to hide that I was in
a lot of pain and I really didn’t know how to deal with the anger and I come
from a you know a line of Italian women who they yell because they care and I
thought that was really funny at one point but then when I woke up
spiritually speaking I realized how just for
you know that that little joke was and so I got to work on me so I’m going to
learn how to deal with anger and not clapping back you know not going you
know wanting to fight back as soon as some the brick comes in and so you toss
the brick back yeah does it feel good to because you might initially throw that
brick back and it you know your ego will get thee yeah that was great
I’m right via the evil wants the last word it always wants to have the last
word so and so you’re just knowing that it can help you you know – I hate to say
the word by your tongue but just take take time to pause and try to identify
where the anger is coming from what it’s about because typically it’s sourcing
from the past and it’s projecting itself into the future especially if it’s a big
that’s a bit too 10 so if you go from a 2 or a 0 up to a 10 really fast then I
would say that’s about you unless it’s something very obvious that your
boundaries been violated and so and when I say a 10 I mean like you know have you
ever been able to get to a 10 if your human being then you can get to a 10 a
10 is like when you know a kid’s ready to cross the street and you’re screaming
at the top of your lungs for the kid to stop but for the car to stop that’s like
a 10 so we’ve all been at a 10 but we want to stay in a – right around at or
below and so when you feel yourself getting going up the scale you want to
notice that and you get how you can notice it is in your body that’s where
your body communicates with you when you’re out of balance so your feelings
will will come to you in physical sensation so when I’m angry my chest
gets really tight and my shoulders get really tight and I know that so I can
feel it coming up into my body so I am great that’s why I’m always a big
advocate for you to stay in your body become more aware of your physical
sensations because there’s messages there your there’s messages from your
intuition trying to send you messages that you’re out of balance something’s
accessing you hope this is all making sense um and if you’ve been watching my
channel for a while you you I think you’re picking up what I’m saying about
that your feelings are in your body and their messages from your intuitive heart
to let you know what’s going on with you and you need to learn to make those
distinction between you and the people you share your life lists you can have a
healthy relationship the distinction meaning the feelings
that you’re feeling versus the feelings that they have need to know where to
make those distinctions and the more you spend time in your body in the present
moment the easier it is to become aware to detect when you’re you know your
anger has been triggered so let me just answer some questions I don’t see any
questions here on Facebook ladies but I do see them on my YouTube ladies so I’m
just going to answer some questions that are posted here in the in the in the
comment box okay and so hi everybody nice to see you let’s see I’m just
reading the comments here yeah be gentle with yourself when you recognize it
you’ve thrown you know clapped back you throw the brick back it’s not going to
help you to to make yourself feel worse forgive yourself and I there’s a
technique called observing correct observing correct you’re less than
perfect behavior as soon as humanly possible so it doesn’t drain your
lifeforce energy give yourself a break okay you know you’re doing the best you
can I really believe that and so we throw gutter balls in life so that we
can learn their lessons they’re not there they’re theirs sometimes painful
but if we learn that we won’t do it again
and so they do serve a purpose in our lives but you have to be gentle with
yourself and not be hard on yourself otherwise you can become you know
emotionally depressed and I don’t want that for you
and so hi Susan love you too so let’s see how do you read how do you
react to disrespect I go zero to 60 in two seconds flat that’s a good one how
do you react to disrespect well you don’t react that’s what I’m wanting to
teach you is reacting comes from a place of unconsciousness it’s a trigger and
the brick comes in and you need to take a moment to analyze the
prick is it yours or its somebody else’s if you’re going from from zero to sixty
and two seconds and that means it’s touching on your infected toe so if
somebody steps on your toe it hurts if it hurts an hour later it was already
infected so that’s a rule of thumb do you have a little infection somebody
comes and steps on and they say something disrespectful then you go to a
2-0 to 60 then you’re like okay yeah was it nice and it was disrespectful but
it’s how you react to it that really sets the tone for your self-respect
so you respond so some cases you don’t respond at all because it’s not even
appropriate if somebody says something that’s really negative insulting I would
just walk away from that because you have to look at the source right look at
that person who just called you a name or did something yes so you have to
consider them why would you have a conversation with them when they’re not
capable of having a calm empowered conversation with you so I would do I
would not even acknowledge him acknowledge it I would distance myself
from that person if they were really disrespectful and maybe if they’re in
your family in your life maybe you say I’d like to set an appointment to
discuss this with you at another time when you’re more calm because I’m not
going to allow myself to sit here and be ridiculed it’s not it’s inappropriate
and I’m and I don’t have to sit here and take it so you can vote with your feet
and get out of there and and when you get out of there you
want to take time to to process you know how big the trigger was for you and
maybe maybe some of the things that were triggered is there’s some truth in it’s
called mirroring and so sometimes people do say things that trigger us because
there’s some we recognize the behavior maybe we’ve been like that before or
somebody in our life that you just treated us that way before and so we we
have a trigger for it so you want to spend time really getting to the thing
behind the thing with that anger I hope that helps um how do you regain trust if
someone has broken up with multiple times but says they love you
and want to be with you that’s a really good one well how do we have to regain
trust so here’s what I want to tell you you want to trust yourself more than
anything you want to look at why you’ve agreed to go back to this person
multiple times and so right now you have the boundaries boundary violations
against yourself I have done this personally many times with my first
marriage which I went back many many times and n I knew what was going on but
I still went back and that had to do with me and had to do with why I was
feeling didn’t secure why I thought it would be different it was mostly because
I was afraid to move on because I didn’t want to be alone that’s why I was in
fear it was a fear-based impulse on my part because there wasn’t ready to move
forward in my life and I didn’t have the tools so I stayed and I went back into
the pattern and so you really want to look at why what it is that you’re going
back to and and building trust again after somebody broke up with you many
times that’s really hard to do and you want to look at you know be honest with
yourself why did somebody why did they do that and what is behind it because it
trust is gained in inches and it’s lost in miles so in other words Trust is
incrementally created and then when it’s when it’s taken away
it’s like miles apart and it takes inches to get back to that so sometimes
it’s not I don’t recommend it sometimes you’re chalk it up for experience and as
painful as that is sometimes it’s better that way there’s a reason why you keep
breaking up and you want to look at that and not avoid it sometimes we keep going
back because we avoid our truth and the truth might be that we’re too afraid to
move on like I shared and we’re afraid of the unknown we don’t know if we’re
gonna meet anybody else we might feel like we’re too old to this to that and
so we stay in dysfunctional relationships so I hope that helps you yeah I was come
firt of all you know I was uncomfortable in my uncomfortableness it wasn’t
uncomfortable but I had grown to be comfortable in that misery so there was
some comfort zone even though it wasn’t really healthy at least I knew what to
expect and that’s called abuse you know anytime there’s there’s these kind of
whip emotional whiplash it’s very abusive because now we’re getting into a
whole talk about intimacy and so I just want to go back to this comment here
yeah so I’m sorry about that Terry so yeah when people were angry all the time
just know that it’s not about you it’s about them so that’s something that they
haven’t healed and it’s inside of them based on their experience experiences
and you might come along and exasperate exasperated but it’s not you and so you
really need to sit down and have a conversation with that person and I’m
glad that he’s your ex-husband and you aren’t being treated poorly anymore
Terry okay so let me look and see if there’s any other questions that I could
answer good yeah and so here’s how you can do some deeper work on the anger so
I want you to use a sentence completion it’s a little tool that I use and it and
so you what you do is you say I go back because and you answer that question
about five times I go back to my ex because I’m lonely I go back to my ex
because I’m afraid I’ll go back to my ex because I’m I really wanted to work out
I love him I go back to my ex because I have low self-worth ooh there’s the one
I go back to my ex because I don’t feel I’m good enough to attract anybody else
so now that I heard that I can turn it around because I’m not good enough to
attract anybody else because I have a belief that I’m not good enough to
attract anybody else I stay I stay in dysfunctional relationships I don’t
believe that there’s somebody out there that will want me I so so you can now
find the truth it’s usually some really deep seeded unconscious negative belief
about yourself and I’m not good enough I’m not worthy I’m not lovable all that
crazy kind of thinking that has to stop if you want to be in a healthy
relationship has to stop with you though as soon as you stop that
conscious negative belief that I’m not worthy lovable good enough have to be
perfect then what it can happen is you can heal that and then you can really
attract a man that sees your worth because you see it so it’s worth doing
that deeper dive into your psyche so you can uncover and shine the light on those
blocks and ladies having an announcement you’re welcome and so I got one more
question of my answer and I want to tell you that I have I just invited my
community to my retreat in New York City I’m so excited and that’s going to be at
the end of October and we’re going to work for three days on breaking these
patterns breaking these patterns bringing them to our awareness and being
able to release them once and for all that’s a really powerful experience and
in the backdrop of New York City so we’re gonna going to have some amazing
excursions we’re going to do a deep dive we’re going to flirt have fun I’m gonna
be your wing woman and you’re going to be able to pull back the curtain so to
speak and talk to my husband Michael who’s going to reveal all kinds of
things about men and you’re gonna have an opportunity to get coached by me and
by Michael and so I hope you will I’m gonna put the link in the box below you
can fill out a form and then I will jump on the phone with you and possibly
you’ll be meeting me in New York I would love to meet you ladies that are in my
community and be able to help you transform your life in this full
three-day immersion experience in New York City it’s gonna be fantastic I did
a retreat in earlier this year in Las Vegas it was amazing and I did a retreat
last year in October in New York and that’s what I’m going back because it’s
really magical to be there with other empowered women working on your stuff
and you can make leaps and bounds the growth is exponential when you have
commit yourself to a three-day process where you just do these deep dives and
it’s all also it’s going to be really fun because the feminine quality is all
about having pleasure and fun and so it’s going to be a very gentle approach
but I know that you’re going to to really be able to transform your life
and get yourself in a wonderful place before the end of the years
you can really attract your soulmate sooner than later okay that’s my
objective to help you skip settle down and I’m just approaching my fourth
anniversary with Michael it’s September 13th that I’m really excited to be
celebrating that that six years ago I was online dating and met Michael online
and so we’re going strong right after six years and we have a lot
of wisdom that we’d like to share with you to help you do the same thing okay
let me um let me read one more question and then I’m an end the broadcast and so I’m just reading it so I can make sense
of it before I repeat it yeah and so I would love someone that that
reciprocates so so I can grow with a man and it’s me that loves him and I treat
him nice I hope one day I love him I hate to be alone well thank you for
being so honest and transparent if being alone is something that I would invite
you to learn to love being with yourself I think part of the reason that I felt
like I didn’t like to be alone before is because I didn’t like myself I didn’t
like what that meant being alone I would worry about the future or stress out
about the past and and so being alone just was a quiet moment for me to to go
into my head and think about all the problems I had and that’s one of the
reasons I didn’t like to be alone but when I started to heal that part of me
those feelings of being alone started to ease up and I started to enjoy the quiet
moments because when you do that healing on a deeper level what you do is you
create space you create space for someone to come in but when you’re stuck
in that energy of loneliness its it takes up all the energy and takes up all
the space and it’s hard for a man to come into that because he senses that he
has to please you meet all of these needs that you have because you’re so
lonely and sometimes needy and don’t take that the wrong way where I don’t
want to mean to hurt your feelings or anything but when we’re coming from that
loneliness place it’s a place of lack and scarcity you’re kind of saying that
I don’t believe that I deserve it or I don’t believe
can happen for me but when you come from a place I like love me and I love my
life and I have room and space for someone else then you will attract
somebody because men don’t want to take on that needy energy it kind of repels
them because they don’t know how to help you and the needs are yours not a man’s
you have to learn to fulfill your own emotional dependency needs and I’m going
to close with this your emotional dependency needs are yours
unconditional self-love unconditional self-acceptance your your boundary
protection and your your intimacy skills intimacy meaning I into me I see so you
have to meet all those needs love acceptance intimacy and boundaries for
yourself when you practice that on a regular basis you start to feel really
safe inside you feel left lonely and then when you feel less lonely you start
to be more expansive and you create a space for a man to come in and again
these are the things that I’m going to be teaching you in my retreat that you
can have this exponential growth experience because I’m there with you
and I’m guiding you through this process so that you can wake up the light bulbs
to start going on and things start to click for you and you can catapult
yourself forward on your journey to love ok ladies I hope this was helpful um
I’ve really enjoyed being here with all of you I love doing the live YouTube
thank you so much for following my channel ladies and for you on Facebook
thank you so much for being here and make sure you like my Facebook page if
you haven’t so that you receive a notification when I go live again and
I’m still trying to figure out when to notify the people on YouTube when I’m
going live I’m working on that unless maybe you did receive a notification and
I’m also redoing my office I’m really excited I’m creating a beautiful set
here so that I can push the camera back and you can see more of me instead of
just the top of my head in this little chair I’m going to create a beautiful
space to welcome you into so I’m really excited about doing that I’m I’m having
a cheese right now redone in red and I’m going to have some beautiful fabrics
here and some flowers and it’s going to be really fun so that look for that in
September and so thanks again for everybody for being here and I’m just
sending you so much love close to link in the box below about the
retreat and how you can get a hold of me okay bye have a great weekend I love you
okay here we go

19 thoughts on “🔴How to Deal with Anger in Relationships | Engaged at Any Age | Jaki Sabourin

  1. Hello there how are you….I really love you content…and have a quick question too a man has liking part but no time for relationship as he thinks time is something he cannot manage

  2. Your information is great, spot on and delivered with genuine enthusiasm. Thanks for sharing and working with the public. We need more therapists like you!

  3. You are so good regarding going back to relationships that are on again off again (been there, done that)… you totally hit the mark. Exceptionally good advice. You so have my respect. You might also want to warn women about narcissist abuse, there are so many of them out there, just got myself burned by one by ignoring my red flags. Always, always, always listen to the red flags!!!

  4. Dedra had a great request for a video…..building on friendship first…..including at least fun flirting, so it isn't only friendship, instead of a possible romantic relationship.

  5. I have an issue with clapping back sometimes…not all the time, but I struggle with that self control. do you have advice on how to come back from a blowup?

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